Hi TJ,
Still rough stuff. Hang on in there.
Sending you peaceful vibes and wishing you wisdom.
Sea
PS: Yes, I'm doing good. Thanks for mentioning.
trombonejazz wrote:Hi... I have some more recent things I'd like to talk about. A few weeks ago my husband got really angry at me and called me a really horrible name and told me to f*** myself repeatedly. He had said that he felt that him getting arrested really pitted us against each other. I told him that I felt it wasn't him getting arrested that pitted us against each other, but rather that it was the actual fight/choking me out that pitted us against each other, and that I was still trying to heal and learn to trust him again. He then blew up at me and said those horrible things to me (in front of the kids). I stopped talking to him and in that moment really decided that our relationship was over. I didn't feel like I deserved that reaction at all. I barely talked to him over the course of the last few weeks.
trombonejazz wrote:Then a few days ago he told me that his domestic violence group counselor basically implied that she did not believe that domestic violence was all the mens fault and that the women are at fault too.
trombonejazz wrote:I asked him for specific examples, and he said that the day he strangled me it was because I was yelling at him, and that yelling is verbal abuse, and he was just reacting to my abuse.
trombonejazz wrote:Is there any way I can find out if I'm the abusive one? Ever since he tried to choke me out, he has been claiming I'm the abusive one and I really don't want to be that person.
trombonejazz wrote:I want to do everything I can to change if is true.
trombonejazz wrote:The last few days I'm just feeling so upset and uneasy over his accusations. I try to think back through our relationship, but truly everything seems to blend together and I can't recall any specific instances of me being abusive (other than a short period of time where we both called each other names).
trombonejazz wrote:I'm sure that's what you and every other person thinks about me, too. I keep coming to the conclusion to leave, and I've got our bags and emergency stuff packed, but the actual leaving part hasn't quite happened yet. It's so hard.
trombonejazz wrote:I wish that I had noticed "red flags" at the very beginning of our relationship. A lot of the ones she described in her thread were in my relationship as well, but I missed them all. Oh how much easier this would have been if I noticed this 9 years ago! Before the physical abuse and children came along!
trombonejazz wrote:I was so upset over him insisting that I call myself an abuser, that I actually went onto a hotline and chatted with a crisis advocate for about an hour and a half. She was so helpful. She said abuse is about control, and asked me who has more control in our relationship? He does, so obviously. He isn't scared of me at all, it is me who is constantly worried about how he will react to things and scared of him. And as far as actual abuse. He has been verbally abusing me since the beginning. And he has been physically abusing me for almost 7 years now. I have never touched or hurt him in anger, and rarely ever verbally abused him. So, I feel justified in stating that I disagree with him than I'm an abuser.
trombonejazz wrote:Thank you so much for your thoughts. It helps so much to hear people tell me the truth.
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