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Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby Seangel » Tue Dec 09, 2014 2:56 am

Hi TromboneJazz,

I thought about you today. Watched a movie that brought the memory of you to mind. How are you?

I hope things are doing better. Thinking of you.

Sea
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby trombonejazz » Thu Dec 11, 2014 2:59 am

Hi Sea,

You are unbelievably kind to be thinking of me :) Thank you.

I'm still having a tough time, but doing my best. I started seeing a counselor. My husband is going to his mandated therapy, but doesn't seem to be changing his attitudes towards me. He seems to not really like me and disrespects me a lot, even though I try so hard to be nice to him.

I believe the right decision is to leave - still. But I'm still so terrified of actually leaving, and of telling him I want to leave. So I'm still here.

Matters have been further complicated in that he just received a new job offer YESTERDAY, but it's in a town 4 hours away. So suddenly now he is making plans to move us all up there. I'm feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of moving so far away from anybody I know, and so I think I need to make a decision very soon. I wish this was easier and I wasn't so scared to leave. I definitely worry about his reaction to my telling him I don't want to go with him.

Thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate good thoughts!
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby Seangel » Fri Dec 12, 2014 3:09 pm

Hi TJ,

Being terrified is completely understandable, I would be too. Even more, when you know what he's capable of if he's mad or doesn't like what he's said to.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, are you feeling better by talking to him/her?

I'm sorry he's still the same, not changing his attitudes towards you. :/

trombonejazz wrote:Matters have been further complicated in that he just received a new job offer YESTERDAY, but it's in a town 4 hours away. So suddenly now he is making plans to move us all up there. I'm feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of moving so far away from anybody I know, and so I think I need to make a decision very soon. I wish this was easier and I wasn't so scared to leave. I definitely worry about his reaction to my telling him I don't want to go with him.


Sometimes some situations arise to making us decide faster into something we've been hesitant. Not an easy situation at all. Sorry you have to decide this way. However, have in mind, you're strong, and capable of making this decision.

Can you have someone else there for when you tell him? Maybe your mom or dad? A brother or sister? A friend? Do you think that the situation can get so out of control that your life might be at risk? If that was the case, seriously consider having someone there so that he'll try to control himself.

Would a plan of exactly what you want to do help? It helps me when I have difficult decisions to make. So maybe knowing exactly what to say, being in a safe space where you and your kids are safe, and if posible where you all can leave if you want to? Maybe have the car ready, so that if you need to leave, you can just go outside and leave? I dunno, just thinking of ideas.

trombonejazz wrote:Thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate good thoughts!
: ) I hope things can get better soon.

Sea
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby trombonejazz » Sun Dec 14, 2014 2:10 am

Hi Sea,

I think I'm going to try to give him a letter. I've been drafting it, and am going to talk it over with a friend tomorrow. Basically I am going to advocate that he go on ahead of us, get settled into his new job, and then also go see a doctor (which he keeps saying he's going to for his depression, but keeps not doing it), and find a marriage counselor for us and get that all set up. He has promised marriage counseling as well, but keeps procrastinating on it. If he actually sets up counseling for us, I would be completely shocked because every time I've tried to, he has had some excuse as to why he doesn't want to go. And in the meantime we can meet up on the weekends and just see how it goes. But that I think it's best we live separately for a while as we each work on ourselves.

I'm really nervous about giving it to him, but I think it will be easier than talking to him. And if he immediately starts telling me how it's the stupidest idea he's ever heard and that I'm just crazy, then that will just further cement in my mind that it's a good idea for us to be apart. If he embraces it, then maybe that will show that he really does care how much I've been affected by all our recent problems and does want to work on things.

My therapist believes I should either go all the way - i.e. Tell him I want a divorce, or just keep trying. But I don't know if I agree with her. I still have hope that things could change, but I feel like I have to do something that will make him realize I'm serious about things having to change. She doesn't think I should move with him however, and she says living apart won't necessarily help because even if he says he has changed in a few months from now, there's no way I can know that for sure. So, she believes I'm just prolonging the inevitable.

But, I feel like I have to try. And if he says no and doesn't agree to it, then I still am not sure what I will do.
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby Seangel » Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:54 am

Hi TJ,

I think the letter is a great idea. You can put many ideas, without loosing track of what things you want to say, without getting interrupted or frightened by his potential response. And excellent also having the support of friend. 8)

I also think your idea about him going ahead is a very good one. If he agrees for therapy for his depression and a marriage counselor, wow, those would be really good indicators. You'd have some time to think about possible ways to go depending of plausible scenarios after the letter, and he'll have a time to himself, to see how is life without you guys.

Hey, it's totally normal to be nervous about giving the letter to him. So you're being very brave and courageous.

I'm so glad for this options you've thought about. If he were to use diminishing words, remember that you're ideas, and specially your feelings are so, so valid.

trombonejazz wrote:My therapist believes I should either go all the way - i.e. Tell him I want a divorce, or just keep trying. But I don't know if I agree with her. I still have hope that things could change, but I feel like I have to do something that will make him realize I'm serious about things having to change. She doesn't think I should move with him however, and she says living apart won't necessarily help because even if he says he has changed in a few months from now, there's no way I can know that for sure. So, she believes I'm just prolonging the inevitable.


Humm... I don't know about what she says, plus I'm not a therapist. However, it is your life, and if you found a way you feel more comfortable with, I think you should go for it. Have in mind; however, what she says, and have an even more careful eye about any violent situation that may arise. Be careful.

trombonejazz wrote:And if he says no and doesn't agree to it, then I still am not sure what I will do.


Anything he'll say, its going to be an answer, and input, and indicator for you to make a decision, you'll know what to do.

Take care, I'll keep sending peaceful and loving energy to both of you and to your kids. I hope things work out for the best of you all.

Sea
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby Prairie gal » Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:21 am

Your life is in danger. Put all of your energy into figuring out how to survive this vicious
man and protect your dear innocent children. If you are willing to risk your life to be with him, fine,
but don't risk your children.

Please see the awful truth... he has no interest in changing whatsoever; he only wants to maintain absolute control over you and the children.

The role you have played is allowing the abuse to continue. He should be behind bars.

This is now a very difficult situation. There is no easy out unless he does indeed commit suicide.
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby trombonejazz » Sun Dec 14, 2014 6:51 pm

Thank you for your concern... Truly. I agree that leaving is the most sensible thing to do from an objective standpoint. I read my story and think that it is obviously an abuse situation and that the person involved should just get out.

But actually being in the situation makes things so much more complicated. And the truth is... The only reason I've stayed with him is BECAUSE of the children. He does not want to give them up. It's hard to leav knowing he will fight for custody, and he has so much more money than me that I am so fearful he might actually win majority custody. So in my eyes, I'd rather stay with them, than leave and have a substantial chance of losing them. I spoke to a lawyer and he told me if I take the kids and leave then my husband could end up with majority custody. He told me because the last reported incidence was several months ago, it would have no bearing on anything. I cannot abandon them. I cannot leave them with him.

If you have been in this position then I'm sure you understand. This is the most difficult thing I've ever been faced with, and it does take a lot of time and energy figuring it out. That's what I'm working on. And my emotions and dreams are all tangled up with it too. So it's really hard, but I will get there... I believe.
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby Seangel » Tue Dec 16, 2014 5:29 am

trombonejazz wrote:If you have been in this position then I'm sure you understand. This is the most difficult thing I've ever been faced with, and it does take a lot of time and energy figuring it out. That's what I'm working on. And my emotions and dreams are all tangled up with it too. So it's really hard, but I will get there... I believe.


Yes you will!! You'll get there. You're doing a great job by reaching for support, by looking for options, by being aware.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now.

Take care of yourself, and explain to the little ones that what he does is no good. Explain to them, so that they won't learnt his behavior, and won't repeat it.

Hope you find good solutions.

I thought about you finding a job. Even if your partner has a lot of money, he cannot ask full custody just because he has more money. Plus, he's obliged by law to provide for them. Sigh... When things don't work out, I wish it could be as simple as living close to one another to have both parents in their lives without violence or grudges. Hey, I do think that a violent past from his side would make the balance to your side. I'm not a lawyer, but it makes sense to me.

Treat yourself with a warm shower, and nice food, and maybe a good movie, so that your mind can clear off a little bit.

Sea
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby Seangel » Mon Dec 29, 2014 10:32 pm

Hi TJ,

Just checking on you. Hope these days you're doing well, and having some great time with your kids.

Take care.

Sea
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Re: Is this really abuse, and what role have I played in it?

Postby trombonejazz » Fri Jan 09, 2015 4:38 am

Thank you Seangel :)

I'm doing well enough. Emotions and plans have been on a constant rollercoaster. My husband did not take the first job he was offered. But then he was offered another one in Chicago (which is way far away from anyone/anything I know!). He was so close to taking it. I sat down with him and told him I couldn't commit to moving to Chicago with him. He said he was going to take it anyway. But then, at the last minute, he declined the offer. I suspect it was because he felt he didn't want to leave me/us behind and didn't know how to force the issue. Now though, he is still looking for jobs that are not in our current vicinity, and I still want to sit down and have a talk with him about living separately... at least for a time, if not forever. It will probably end up being forever if we separate at all, but I think separation is what is needed for right now.

I still feel in limbo. I don't know how all of this will end up.

I hope you are well, and I so appreciate you checking in on me!
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