Back and Uhm yeah this is in my diagnosis now O:

Okay hey everyone. It has been forever and a lot has happened. I don't know if anyone even really remembers me, or if anyone I talked to is even on here anymore. It has been a little over a year I think. A lot has gone down..and happened, and now I am back here. Some things never change I guess. I think maybe I should stick around more often than I do rather than run here when things go cruddy then not show up for a year or two.

Anyway, I started going to this place cuz I had one of my depression episodes. At first the psych guy wanted to diagnose me as Mood Disorder NOS, but then he second guessed that and just labeled me 'Depressive Disorder NOS'...well I still have that, but it seems he has added 'Personality Disorder NOS.' We don't get a lot of time together since the psych is spread out pretty thin and this is a medication only type place. I need to figure out if I should seek therapy someplace, but it is just so frustrating and I can't pay ..Maybe I need to go to my college's counseling center, but I would go there and not know what the hell I was there for. That happened last time and only time I went to a therapist..Anyway, he has now just put the Personality Disorder NOS- and I think this basically means he thinks it COULD be personality related and he recognizes I have problems dealing with others.

I always did think I had some kind of something other than a Depressive disorder. And I honestly think I have at least schizoid traits. I would definitely be more of a at least sort of a 'secret schizoid'...kind of. I know being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that one is schizoid, but it isn't just restricted to that. It is difficult for me to make myself seek others out and often I would rather not or am indifferent to hanging out with anyone. I try to go out now because I feel I should at least make some kind of friends. That and it helps pass time. I feel bad a little, as if I am kind of using the people I get to know. I don't want to do that.

I do have a few good freindships and I can tell people I love them, but I am still removed. (only 1 close friendship is in real life, the other two are online and she now lives states away from me). It is like....being wrapped in plastic. You can kind of feel the world and it can kind of feel you..and you are sort of there, but never directly touching. It is like you barely notice what is going on around you. It makes things very difficult, especially doing any kind of schoolwork , because you are just simply not that interested, and more interested in yourself. >_<

I feel like I am rambling on and on..I don't even know how to bring this up to the guy. I will probably blank out, but I feel I still have these schizoid traits and should get his opinion on them. I don't obviously seem removed a lot of the time, and i can talk to people, but I don't feel so close to them....especially not family, and this is a consistent trait. I feel like I could live without just about everyone in my life, though I would miss only like those 3 people and I could get over that. I didn't really miss my mom or my dad so much when i couldn't be near them,...so yeah makes me feel cruel. I am not cruel and I try to be a good friend and compensate..but it is just hard when you aren't totally there.

I know they say most people with personality disorder don't know they have a problem...well I don't know if I would consider this a total problem or not...but I think it probably is. I feel like I am good at self reflecting though..and also maybe my schizoid traits are not necessarily severe.

I want to know where to go from here, because I feel clueless. >_<