I don't know what is happening...

I don't even know how to articulate what is happening to me. I've been undergoing some radical changes in both my thoughts and actions, and not just the ones typically associated with human interaction. The things I think about, the ideas, the impulses, the mental imagery, everything is so different from what it was even 8 months ago. I used to have emotions, I used to feel empathy and regret and remorse and love and hate, but I don't anymore. The only thing I feel is confusion and anxiety.

I'm a fairly intelligent person (no arrogance intended) and it has become a point of contention in my interpersonal relationships. It all started with bouts of extreme anger towards other people for even the slightest misdemeanor. Intentional, accidental, it didn't matter. This lead to intense mistrust with literally every person I came into contact with. I started lying, a lot. Step-by-step, building a construct to hide behind. I changed my name, I changed my nationality, I changed my physical appearance; nothing is real anymore. Then the mental imagery started. I know everyone has an episode every once in a while where they imagine doing something out of character like punching someone or throwing a drink in someone's face, but this is different. This is a constant flow from person to person, even people I've never spoken with. Just walking down the hall at work sizing up potential combatants and imagining myself attacking them, most often with extremely violent and graphic results. A personal favorite is elbow striking or grabbing someone by the head and forcing my thumbs into the eyes. Sorry if that is inappropriate for these forums, but I'm just trying to give some context.

Currently, however, things are changing again. I'm becoming less directly aggressive and my emotions are all but gone. It's almost a narcissistic complex, but not at the same time. i don't feel like I'm better than everyone else, I feel like I'm different than everyone else. I started to notice this about 2 months ago. I've become increasingly distant from the people in my world. I haven't talked to my mother in about 4 months even though her birthday was just a few weeks ago, but I just don't care. I don't even feel bad about it. In fact I don't feel bad about anything anymore; I don't really feel anything about anything anymore. (With the obvious exception of general anxiety.) I truly feel deep down inside that I am becoming something else, not someone. I feel in a very literal sense that I am becoming something not human in a human body. I hate humans. They're greedy, illogical, irrational, and the vast majority of them are astoundingly incompetent. They do stupid things, they say stupid things, they like stupid things. I don't identify with them at all. I've began to think of humans as a parasite, a cancer if you will. They spread and destroy and corrupt and consume everything within reach. I feel little more than utter contempt for most people I encounter in my daily life, but they'd never know it. Through it all I still maintain that facade of stability. With a smile on my face and a cheerful greeting I condemn the world and long for escape. These feelings of disdain are evolving. My prior urges to inflict physical harm on people has gone another path, albeit a slightly less threatening one, but nonetheless unsettling to myself. I've began to fantasize about removing human life from the planet. No, I'm not talking murder. I'm talking xenocide. I can't expect anyone to really understand me when I say that it isn't anything personal or particularly malicious, but I think if left to my own devices and placed in a position of opportunity, I'd push the button. I feel so far removed from everything else that all I can think about is escape. How can I get away?

I don't really know why I've posted this, it's taking all of my willpower to keep from deleting it right now. (I'll probably delete it in a day or two anyway, I always do.) I just know that something isn't right, and I don't know what it is. It doesn't fit any diagnosis I can find, maybe it isn't an illness at all. I don't know. I guess I'm just hoping that maybe, somewhere, there's someone else like me and that we might see each other for what we are and be content to simply acknowledge the other's existence.

*Edit: I forgot to mention the headaches. Constant, daily headaches. I can't even remember when they started, but I do know that pain medication only dulls them. They never go away.

Hello, DvH! You can't diagnose this, but maybe a doctor can. It can't be good for you to not get any treatment. You also have to find out what is behind those headaches. You can try posting about this in some more forums and see if you find someone who's been through something similar. Don't worry, it's not inappropriate.