Do I fit in a specific disorder or there? But where is that?

Hello all,

I am a 34-years old woman, and I do not know what I have exactly, except that I've felt for a really long time that there's something "wrong" with me. I also need to apologize to all those I may bother with the double post - actually, I did already post on the schizoid forum, so some of you may be reading me twice-.

Here is how it goes:
- From very early on, I was a baby who managed very well with solitary games
- I hated being "seen" making up stories, so I refused to do so aloud, and began making up stories in my mind, and from then on had a very rich fantasy life
- I spent a lot of time alone in a churchyard, around 7, asking myself philosophical questions, then could not see what interest there was in others' games, so reverted to solitary activities. I still liked some games, but did not enjoy "let's just gossip"-like activities. Actually, around 15, I was still spending my time with my back to the wall, either thinking or listening to others and not really understanding those strange people (gossip or boyfriends for girls, cars or horror movies for boys).
- My parents believed that "thoughts" could be so powerful as to influence reality. After having seen, when I was around 9 years-old, two real life events which were too close,for my own comfort, to two fantasies I had had, I began feeling guilty about my fantasies and decided that it was like a drug that I wanted to wean myself from, rather than risk drowning in them or hurting people through them.
- I ended up asking myself philosophical questions every night instead of fantazizing, and as I was really passionate about these, I did end up sleeping too little... that's when I began really thinking I was not just "different but OK" but that there was something really wrong about me... that was when I was around 11-12.
- I am not particularly irrational or delusional now, I think. I do think what you believe influences the way you behave with people, but obviously I no longer believe the fantasies I had at the time hurt anybody.
- Around 13, I had some first derealization feelings, and they can happen from time to time. Maybe they did happen more at the time because I was then reconsidering all my beliefs, that I had inherited from my parents, and at the same time was bullied nastily at school. Otherwise, it does happen to me sometimes, to feel that I am probably not seeing the world exactly as the others do. I can feel that, if only I could have better eyesight, or something to that effect, I would suddenly feel more fully "in" the world.
- I spent some time, around 10, having nightmares every night. I did not tell anybody.
- I have always been close to my parents and teachers, but felt all my youth that I couldn't confide in my schoolmates (had I told them my passion for philosophy, I would have been mocked).
- I was top of my class, all the time... I just was not top of my class from a social point of view! It seems that I was not, most of the years, badly-liked, I was just seen as a little too alone, aloof, and maybe "a little autistic".
- I have been able to feel like crying when I realized some people were able to like me. Really! Like me!!!
- When I get an offer for a date, I tend to kick the person out as much as I can. Of course, now that I am making very strong efforts, I just kick people out half the time.
- I am still a virgin (never slept with a man) but do have a sexual fantasy life. I also suffered from some degree of sexual harassment when I was younger, though I do not think that's the thing which messed me up most.
- I would like to be married, have kids, have a life. I would also like to enrich my life by loving to discover new people. I would also like to know how to do with friends better.
I do not exactly know how to do that. I love to discover other cultures actually, and ask people about their country, and am passionate about alphabets, ideograms, religions, etc. I am also engaged in development work, and wanted to be a French doctor when I was younger... However, it is much easier for me to love those who are far away than to create intimacy with those who are close to me. I feel passionate about the workings of the civil war in Sri Lanka much more than I yearn to know about my neighbour and how she makes her olives. I like it when my friends are well, but, in 3 years and a half I have been in this town now, I have seen two close friends who live a few blocks from me rather rarely, and they are the ones who invite (anyway, it's a mess in my flat).
I also have synesthesia, and I see letters in color. I also sometimes forget to bathe, or have more important things to do.
I can work very hard and also I can do other things and fail to work properly.

I can remember myself at school sitting at the table in the corner, while everybody else was sitting in the center. I can see myself climbing on the chimney on the roof to see the sunrise. I remember myself doing philosophy at 7, and I know something is not "right", not "like everybody else", not "normal", and it bothers me, because I have been unable to pin that down properly.

I am apparently hypersensitive according to some friends, though I have often felt I was particularly emotionally cool and detached! I have high levels of anxiety sometimes, and have some low-level obsessive tendencies, as well as hypochondriac tendencies. I speak of "I" too much...

I am very anxious about bad things happening to other people, and knowing horrible things sometimes happen and people do not seem to care disturbs me to no end. At the same time, I judge myself as too cool and distant sometimes. The first time my grandfather was sick, I felt terribly guilty for running towards his flat without being worried to the point of losing control like others were. Then, I scolded myself for that and forced myself to visualize those scenes I had mercifully avoided visualising, and from then on, I probably did not cure myself from being sometimes "not involved enough" in my eyes, but I increased my anxieties and obsessions, and can sometimes have a horrible thought cross my mind, and I cringe and nobody understands. So much for "wanting to be more anxious"!!! I was really stupid that day. I do not know if I should have been more "sick from anxiety" rather than just "anxious" that day when my grandfather got sick, but I guess I took a really silly route towards that.

I really YEARN to understand myself better, because:
- If ever one day I have kids, I do not want to pass onto them some hereditary problem which would make of their life a misery.
- I want to change!! I am trapped in my own mind, saying "I" too much, only half-trusting people, not knowing how to better LOVE people, how to better interact with them and do things for them, how to stop being there "just for myself and for those people who are thousands of miles from me". I want to change, I just do not know how... Please help if you can!

Thank you!

Maur

You should get a psychological profile done.

I mean... theoretically I could tell you that you fall under such and such disorder and whatnot, but diagnosis via interwebz and diagnosis via interview are two very different things.
Some people see a shrink without having a real problem, too.
They're helpful.

I'd do that... it's safer than getting it in your head you have something wrong with you that might not be true...

I know... not the answer you wanted, huh?

See Avoidant PD-Next forum over