Just would like a little insight

Okay, I'm just gonna list and describe a few things that I've been feeling lately.

- I have trouble concentrating, remembering things that I did 10-30 secs ago.

- I feel like my brain is not connected to me, like it's being controlled by somebody else.

- My brain feels like a see-saw that never finds balance, and not only with up and down moods, but I can completely change with it. It's like my personality morphs into different things all the time, but I always feel like the same person. Just so out of control.

- I'm extremely indecisive and impulsive. I feel like my body is fully-energized yet I feel runned down, tired, and just well, feel empty inside, but that's probably just the depression. A few days ago I felt like I was gonna have a panic attack, and it just happened outta nowhere. Even typing this seems to trigger something.. I feel very short of breath.

- I feel like I can't hold onto me.. I know that sounds odd. It's like I'm being pulled and tugged in so many different directions and I can't stop it.

^ all the above has lasted several days.

Usually...

- I'm depressed or atleast down in the dumps, but can get happy in certain situations.. always ends up to feeling empty again, though.

- I feel very up and down, but not out of control. My moods are more spaced out..

- I have a hard time talking about how I feel, what my goals are, about myself.. because I constantly change and morph

- I have a hard time sleeping.. sometimes I sleep too much or too little.. other times I'm just fine

- I feel like a walking damn contradict.. it's why it's so hard to convey how I feel. And when I'm fine well.. it's so easy to just say well, maybe it was "this" or maybe it was "that" and blaming it on stuff.. I'm 100% sure there really is something wrong.. and it seems to only be getting worse


Background info that may help:

I have seen things in the past, but that was only when I was on meds. I have been diagnosed with depression (major depression when I was 12, I am now 20. Now it's just more-so your general run of the mill depression) social and general anxiety disoder, OCD and Trichotillomania. I've been severly bullied in the past, am paranoid to an extent of others, have trust issues and am very self-contained. Somedays I feel normal and somedays I feel completely crazy. It's hard to hold down a job, have a steady relationship with anyone, and well.. do everyday normal things. With the known illnesses that I know I have, obviously it would be difficult.. but I feel there is something more now. My little facade is starting to wear and it would be nice if I could possibly find out what I'm dealing with before I do something I may regret, because honestly.. I feel like I'm not in control of my own mind. And that is scary but moreso.. very frustrating.

Any insight would be incredibly appreciated, thank you in advance. Hope I didn't sound too crazy.

HI,

You certainly don't sound crazy. In fact, I can relate to everything that you've written, and I know that others could too. The first few tings you listd all point to hyperactivity, which could be due to a chemical/hormonal imbalance. Then, you also mention being down in the 'dumps'... ...Have you ever considered that you may have Biolar disorder? Look at the other things you've mentioned too - Trich., OCD, and anxiety - These are all related to a hyperactive mind that just doesn't know when to quit.

Which medication were you on previously? I was on one called Lexapro (a type of SSRI) and it helped 'calm' my mind.

Kevin

Hello kevin - Thank you for your reply! ,

Yes, I have considered that I may be Bipolar. I also have considered that I may be borderline and/or may have ADHD. I seem to have symptoms from each of these.. just not sure if I'm actually dealing with any of them. The only reason why I always ruled out Bipolar in the end was because in my opinion, my "manic" moods weren't really mania at all.. I always thought I just had an overactive mind and imagination and insomnia. Also my moods flipped 2-5 times in a day.. and from what I've read about Bipolar, usually episodes are not that sporadic (spelling?) but I could be wrong. My first true manic episode.. if that what what it was.. was when I first posted this topic. I truly felt impulsive and energized.. I walked a mile to my corner deli and back, something I've never done before, and without a shower or makeup (I'm OCD about always looking good when I leave the house ) and then right after I went swimming in my pool.. in the dark.. and I have a huge phobia of the dark. It felt pretty awesome but at the same time I knew that the real me wouldn't even think of doing these things, I just couldn't help myself, I needed to get the energy outta me. The "episode" lasted about 5 days-1 week, I really can't remember. I have such a bad memory sometimes. Its strange though because even with the up and down moods, i still feel absolutely nothing and empty. There are times that i am actually in a good mood though, and I cherish those times. it's purely situational though, I'm only in a good mood when something good is happening or going to happen - though I guess that makes sense? Just wish i could have an elevated mood without needing a reason. Also its frustrating to feel depressed when theres absolutely nothing to be depressed about and life actually is going great in all areas.

""These are all related to a hyperactive mind that just doesn't know when to quit."" - Yes, you hit it right on the nail with this one. I've felt this way for years, and I always thought it was just that. A hyperactive mind.. never shuts up or leaves me alone, except when I'm in a deep deep depression or down in the dumps mood. I believe I have also felt both of these at the same time - depressed and elevated. It's like my mind is battling.. to feel good or bad. I just don't think my hyperactive mind is enough to classify me as being manic, although after my first "episode" where I literally felt so out on control, not just mentally but physically.. now I'm starting to believe that I may infact be bipolar.

As for meds? I know I have a list somewhere but I've been on atleast 15 diff kind of meds, maybe more. From what I can remember: Paxil, Prozac, Risperdal, Lithium, Abilify, Lexapro, Zoloft, Trazadone, Luvox, Orap (pimizide) Topamax..

Some of these are used to treat Bipolar yes BUT I've never been diagnozed with it. A lesser psychiatrist when I was admitted to a hospital once told me I may be Bipolar, but it wasn't an official diagnosis, and I pretty much talked her into thinking I was (imo) cause I was convinced at the time I was Bipolar. Maybe my brain was trying to tell me something all along.. but to me it just was a cry for help -look at me, i'm damaged, i need some help - get me outta these boring empty routines- cause thats all I really want anyway, when I seek attention. to be honest I really can't stand when people even look at me. I am weary about going back to meds because I've had such horrible memories and symptoms - weight gain, the bringing about my Trichotillomania and anxiety (Trich was triggered after being put on meds, anxiety was barely existant but sort of there.. after meds it worsened severely. Some even made me physically shake because I was so anxious.) some made me too giddy, some made me too emotional, made me more depressed or downright angry/violent and sleepy.. infact - 2 meds landed me into the hospital for a few days for Tackacardia (spelling?) supposedly I could have died. Should have sued the doc for malpractice.. sigh, thats another story.

Hi,

It's hard to take in and process all that's happening here. You've mentioned a whole range of disorders, and now meds. How did you possibly get through all of them? I often read about stories here of people who go through lots of meds like you have done but never get anwhere with them. When I was given my 'one and only' Lexapro, I was told to sit tight to let it work. So, that's what I did - I sat tight and let it work slowly.

Kevin

Honestly, I just think most of the psychiatrists I saw couldn't tell their ass from their elbow.. like I said one of them could and should of been sued. What happened was is that any medication I was put on would always have a horrible side effect.. but instead of letting me sit on it and try to adapt.. I was put on another med to counter the first one, then to counter the side effects of the 2nd med, I was put a on a third, etc. Also I can't tell you how many times I was put on different mg of all these meds, up and down. I wasn't on the same med for more than 4-6 months. I felt like a lab rat for many years and my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing was taken for a nightmare rollercoaster ride. I think they were too busy trying to "fix" me rather then really get to the root of the problem. Not saying that they were all like that, I'm sure a few of them generally cared.. but It's why I have stayed away from meds.. and psychiatrists. When I decide to find a therapist I'm going to be extremely choosy.. I'm an adult now and I actually want to get better. No more games.

If it helps any, most of the SSRI's did not do anything for me, anti-psychotics made me highly anxious, and meds treated for disorders like Bipolar made me extremely emotional and/or violent and sleepy. It's why I always thought that depression wasn't the only thing I was dealing with, the SSRI's didn't help me at all.. just made me gain weight. I would be willing however to go on any med if I'm 100% positive that my therapist/psychiatrist knows what their talking about and isn't a douchebag.. and also have a proper diagnosis. Then from there it would be easier to decide what med would be best instead of treating me like a lab rat.

The thing about the SSRIs is that they take a long time to work dude. If you consciously wait for them to work, you will never be happy. I had to just get into the habit of taking mine and it was only after a few months that I realised I had changed. They can be helpful, if you're willing to try to help [yourself] too. Don't ever get into that nasty game of trying one med after another. I've seen countless ppl here doing that and it's just utterly pointless. To be frank, doctors should know better at this strage too not to treat patients like that.

Exactly. Now that I actually want to get better and am not a little kid anymore, maybe they can help who knows. Aren't most of the meds I listed are supposed to be for 18 yr olds and + anyway or am I completely off? The reason why I was put into the emergency room for Tackacardia was because of a reaction from 2 meds. One of them was 20-30 yrs outdated and the other was for Tourette's Sydrome what the. And also had a MANDATORY EKG screening thing or w/e.. which I never got or was told I needed. Now you may see why that doc should of been sued, lol. But anyway, as for the meds? Worth a shot I suppose. And trust me if I had known what I know now back then.. I would of never let myself become a lab rat. And they took advantage of my parents too imo by telling them I should of been on all those pills. I don't blame the meds anymore for 'not working' properly because most never got a chance to work how they should, but I definitely blame the psychiatrists for poor judgment and a lack of concern (imo). Most were too quick to put me on meds upon meds.

Tachycardia** I apologize, I pretty much butchered the word in my other post lol.

Papa Roach fan? - Didn't they sing Last Resort? I quite like that. They're a very 'American' band though (I live in Ireland). To be honest, it's hard to distinguish them from Sum41. Anyway, I think that some meds are indeed just for adults for whatever reasons, but that's not really important at this stage. Give Lexapro a try if you can get it. It's not very potent and won't completely mess up your body if you just don't take alcohol with it.