Opinions Perhaps?

I don't really know what to expect from posting this, because I doubt anyone would be able to say anything any more useful than others have said to me in the past so.. after that wonderfully positive intro, on to the fun stuff.

I've always been an extremely passive person, mostly because I flip out almost beyond control over the slightest bit of confrontation. Which leads everyone around me to think I'm this great nice guy that's just had a bad streak of luck. Instead, most of my 'bad luck' has been forms of self destructive behavior to force myself to change things in my life (mostly work/relationships) after I get bored of them (about 8-9 months in any job seems to be about all I typically can stand).

I grew up with a mom that worked nights at a strip club, a step-dad that was usually out getting drugs instead of watching me and my 5 yr younger bro, which lead us to kinda doing our own thing outside of weekends that we spent with our extremist pentecostal grandparents. That's left me a little more twisted than the typical individual I'd imagine, not to mention when I was 10 my mother divorced my step-father and instead we had the pleasure of 'baby-sitters' / 'boyfriends' that she met at her job (for the next 6-7 years, about 12 different guys in total, leaving me and my bro switching schools sometimes less than single semesters apart). Speaking of school, that kid that everyone looked at when thinking of the columbine shooting that just might do something similar.. that was me. Picked on, bullied, and always took it with a grin (while imagining what the pencil would have looked like sticking out of the bully's throat).. was me too.

I'm now 24, living with the only friend I have.. an on again, off again girlfriend who's living with her dad/brother. I've always got the "life's great" personality towards everyone else, but nearly every time I have any emotion surge through me it's like it's a snowball effect that leaves me shaking with anger/frustration/sadness/etc. I've thought of myself as moody often enough, but it's more like I'm constantly trying to fight off feeling anything for fear of.. what I'm not quite sure.

I was in therapy for a good while (8 months or so), tried a few anti-depressants that never really seemed to do anything other than prolong orgasms (among other side effects the first couple weeks), but never really had any success until I was hospitalized after showing up for an emergency therapy session drunk and balling my eyes out. That success came from taking the MMPI test that basically said "yep, personality disorder". Schizoid is what the doc at the hospital assumed I had, but my therapist (and the next two I switched to) never really agreed with that. They all three seemed to just think I was depressed and needed someone to talk to, so they just (every session) let me spew what was on my mind for a solid hour while racking up a very lovely bill for me.

I've now given up on therapists for the time being, mostly due to lack of insurance/money (on top of the lack of trust in them). The one doc that seemed to realize I wasn't just depressed (not that I'm not from time to time.. severely too), gave a diagnosis that I can't seem to get 'treated' for.


So, here I am, flipped out again and heavily caffeinated (stupid idea, I seriously need to quit coffee.. I'm sure that it hurts me mentally and physically both) listening to music that stirs me emotionally in all sorts of directions, that all lead me to crying/shaky fits.


Well, there ya go, perhaps just me venting.. but I'll bookmark/check on this thread over the next few days to see if anyone has some input outside of the obvious "Don't give up on therapists, they helped me" kind of things.. Sorry for the attitude, even online I'm not usually quite so negative, but being turned away from sleeping next to my 7+ year girlfriend for the 3rd-4th night in a row has set me off a bit more than I'd have thought. We have bunk-beds for Christ's sake. Who at our age and are semi-sexually active (not got any for over a month now, but that's rather typical) sleeps separately? We aren't religious individuals and neither were we born in the 50's.. ya'know?

Hey! If you don't think it's only depression, you could take a look through our bipolar disorder forum and if you have a lot of mood swings during one day, you can look through our Borderline personality disorder forum as well. We can't give you a diagnosis here and it's probably not a good idea to decide that you have a particular disorder and then try to "treat" yourself, I guess, but you could look through other people's posts. I hope this place will be helpful for you.
You've been through a lot and you're still fighting to get better and have a life, you should be proud of yourself, Mythics.