Quiet corner of PF

He got mad, accused me of having another guy, then said bye.

Maybe this is the end of it.

Oh man. He kept calling leaving voicemails and sending text begging me to talk and accusing me of being with guys etc.

I couldnt help myself. I said some pretty bad things. I didnt even try to hold back or censor myself. It just kept coming and he kept asking for more.

Now he's mad. Really mad. I may have just made things worse. That was dumb. My mouth. He just wouldnt leave me alone. I said what I was thinking.

He cursed me out then told me he is hard and he is still in love with me.

For anyone reading who thinks I might be enjoying this or find it flattering I want to clarify it is really more frightening than flattering. He does not care if I consent to this relationship/interaction or not. He feels entitled to it and has apparently no sense hes invading someones boundaries or simply doesnt care. That is the frightening aspect.

The only flattering part is what this says about my work. He found me through my media presence as an artist. That tells me I am doing something right and is an indication of success in some weird way. Though I have been neglecting that recently as I have been emotionally exhausted with this. I would ideally like to be able to devote myself to that without distraction. This is a distraction.

I am exhausted. Having trouble sleeping or getting any work done. Now I am scared and frustrated.

He text me all day. Trying to find out where I live. Asking what is the nearest highway etc. I didnt answer. He said he can trace a call and find out the nearest cell tower to me. He threatened to send a box of sex toys to my parents.

I finally replied to him in the evening to ward off another breakdown like yesterday. Its harder to ignore him than to send an appeasing text.

This is starting to wear me down now. No sign of letting up. I sent mixed signals for a moment there thats true so its my fault partly. I wont do that again. This is starting to get miserable. I thought I could tell him its over and it would be over.

Just a note. I dont think he is doing most of this in a Machivellian, planned way. Maybe a little of that. I think mostly he has very little self-control and is impulsive and violent.

-- Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:12 pm --

Yesterday he threatened to kill the person he thought I was with. (I was alone.) I dont doubt he would in a situation like that. He probably carries a concealed gun on him though he didnt admit it to me because being a felon he is not allowed to.

Yea, odds are you are right, his motives are sincere versus methodically planned, and that can be even more flattering and compelling, but as you also know -

Extreme idealization is fragile, because imagination gets intertwined with reality, and combine that with a highly impulsive nature, the idealization is bound to come crashing down, sometimes with disastrous results for the idealized.

When someone has an 'I want what I want' personality, in the end it doesn't matter much that their methods to get it are sincere or planned. Everyone else is ultimately expendable because wants change (for the idealized, that happens about the time they become whatever it is that was wanted).

^ I believe every word xdude.

I cant predict what will happen. I am fairly certain now I wont consent to a relationship with him. If he doesnt give up he will probably eventually come try to find me. I think that is what he is planning whether I consent or not doesnt seem to faze him much. More challenge almost seems like a bigger turn on.

I say "fairly" because I am human and not robot and despite swearing off relationships that doesnt mean I am necessarily 100% content with that. What woman would not want a man so into her he's willing to go to the ends of the earth for her? This fantasy is a billion dollar industry. (The Princess Bride was one of my favorite movies so I am nowhere near immune to this.)

Adding to all that I dont think hes a horrible monster. I have seen some attractive things about him. And I tend towards idealization as well.

Which is why it can be so much easier to slip into the fantasy. Its much more pleasant than the reality of the situation.

Requires a lot of willpower on my end. I know the end will be catastrophic if I let it go there though. The more I interact with him the more I realize that. His ugly dark sides come forward very quickly when he doesnt get his way.

Got to admit your description has me thinking BPD, and that yea, no doubt he has a side that is compelling and also, if BPD, those feelings are sincerely felt. Problem being the negatives are sincerely felt too. Neither is necessarily entirely based on reality, but from a certain point of view, so what? Nothing inherently wrong with enjoying life through rose colored glasses, because it is smart to enjoy life.

Totally get the appeal of having someone that is so intensely into you. Yep to social messages, and that strikes a primal chord too.

But yea, those negatives, and the extremes to which they are felt/lived not only can turn your world upside down, but they tend to grow over time. For the person with BPD, idealization can only be tainted. It (essentially) never works the other way around; neutral/mis-trust growing into trust. It's more often than not way over the top trust, rainbows and sunshine, that is inevitably eroded. One way or another you'll do something wrong, and for people with BPD, the memories of the 'betrayal' will tend to grow, be replayed, over and over until you are hated.

^ I am really enjoying and appreciating your feedback xdude. It is very insightful and helpful.

You are proven correct as well. Last night I saw him truly angry at me for the first time. He raged all night and thinks I am a horrible person and he needs to warn others about me etc. I have been split black.

I didnt even have to do much. Just hit a trigger. The irony is he was drunk and was getting emotionally abusive to me over nothing. Retroactive jealousy. I was attempting to lighten things up. I should be the angry one.

You are right again xdude. That rage and coming off the pedestal is pretty intense. I am not even feeling anything these days though. My emotions are completely flat and numb. If I were feeling them I think I would be angry at him. He is being nothing but abusive to me but disguised as how much he loves me.

Hey EE,

I am some mix of BPD/NPD male, so am thinking in terms of maybe that is what you are dealing with, but it's just guessing based on my own experience.

I am introspective, but totally get that raging all night thing. It is what it is. Still, be careful. Does he show any evidence of being an introspective type, or is he still a slave to his PD?