Quiet corner of PF

I am just looking for a quiet corner of PF to talk to myself out loud about my relationship, if thats what it is.

I fought and struggled against it but someone seems to be pulling me into one. Assuming he is who he says and is not catfishing or some elaborate troll. Anything is possible but so far he seems real.

Its going to be a dangerous and toxic relationship. He is a Felon. He loves guns. He is controlling and jealous. He tracks my whereabouts. He researched and read everything he could find on me. Stuff I forgot about long ago. He is still married almost divorced. He acts like he is obsessed with me. He tells me he loves me and that I wont be able to get rid of him. This has been going on for about 3 months.

This is why I fought it so hard. These are all the red flags. Bad ones. But as he said I cant get rid of him. I tried.

Also all my past relationships were bad. They pretty much ruined my life while they lasted and during the aftermath. I am toxic in a relationship and they usually are too. I never got over my attraction to bad boys. I have spent a solid decade and a half of my life in toxic relationship after the next. So I swore it off.

Things were peaceful. Last relationship ended 2 years ago. My high school crush I reconnected with. He tried to force me to get pregnant and I didnt want to. That was the last one then I swore off relationships.

But I am tired of fighting this guy. He is determined to have me. "No" didnt work. I dont know why he wants me. I am a mess. I wouldnt want me if I was a guy. I think he knows I will give him the drama he wants. His wife has BPD. He has something too.

So how do I feel about him? I dont know. He has balls thats for sure. I can respect that. He has some kind of charm. I havent ever been not entertained or distracted by him. He is kind of funny. He has told me some things I didnt know. I keep realizing I have underestimated him. He looks like a big guy with tatoos you wouldnt want to meet in a dark alley. He seems a little dangerous. This is stuff that gives me pause.

Either way I cant stop it from happening now. Assuming its real he wants me and I cant run away. This will be interesting. He manipulates and stalks me into talking to him. Twice now he selfharmed or threatened too if I was not responsive. I dont know if he has BPD. But he makes it impossible not to notice and respond to him. And after thrusting himself in my vision everyday for months now he sort of got on my mind and I cant look away now. I want to see what he says and does next. Always unpredictable. I have a feeling with us two together things are going to get pretty intense.

We had a fight yesterday. We seem to fight a lot.

He asked me if I had someone over and that really irritated me. I blew up. I hate being accused of stuff. I got a flashback to an extremely jealous ex who constantly harassed and interrogated me with his jealous delusions. He was like the spanish inquisition. I dont want to go through that again. That was psychological torture. So I have zero patience for that. Zero. Plus there is no one I would be with anyways. I am 100% reclusive these days.

So I blew up then calmed down and apologized and things were fine. Then during our conversation I suddenly fell asleep. He didnt know and thought I was ignoring him. Had a breakdown. Cycled through several emotional states and sent me about 10 emails and told me how he was going to harm himself. When I woke up I read the emails and told him I had just fallen asleep.

Hes very emotional. For awhile I thought it was an act. That he was disingenuous but maybe its real. It would be a lot of effort to do that and for what?

Men can be emotional. That always blows my mind when I realize it. Even more than me. I am more numb but when I am not then they can be extreme. It is all or nothing with me.

Which is why I have trouble with relationships. Once I start to like someone I become obsessed and it can be a very hard way to live. Its easier to just avoid it and be calm like a lake.

Today was a good day. He was on ideal behavior. Maybe he realized he had to make up for yesterday. He cycles like that. Good days here and there and then bad chaotic days.

He keeps declaring his love which is really sounding an alarm for me. Men dont develop feelings this fast, do they? Is he actually feeling something or lying. He may be feeling a desire to control me if anything. Maybe even sexual attraction but most people would not confuse those things with love. So that is putting me off. Of course I have not reciprocated the sentiment.

He said he was so determined for us to be together because he thinks the universe wants us to and he got a message from the universe. I dont believe in those new age ideas myself...so its hard for me to take seriously. I dont know if he does either or he just thinks I would like that idea.

I dont know but I am suspicious of absolutely everything. I cant tell if I am correct to do that or if I am being too uptight. He called me uptight. This person just sets off too many alarm bells. I cant help it.

I wanted to express my incredulity that you seem to be trying to date your stalker. But I was struggling to find a friendly way to say "don't be so bloody stupid". I hope a face palming rabbit will suffice.

I'm going to pretend I didn't miss the first line when I read through because i think the rabbit's cute and it would cheer me up

^ lol

I know. Its stupid. Thats why I am posting this so I can try to keep myself sane.

Its like he gave me little choice in the matter. I got tired of trying to run. He wore down my will to resist.

ElephantEyes wrote:He wore down my will to resist.

Hey EE,

That sounds nice and romantic when it's read in a book.. but when it's a real person that has no respect for your boundaries, It always ends badly.

You've expressed doubt, alarm, a desire to disengage, but yet you're still allowing yourself to be sucked in..
Why aren't you holding your boundaries tight and listening to your instincts?

I'm probably being a little blunter than usual here, but this situation worries me. How easily will you be able to get yourself out of this if it turns out he's dangerous, like you believe he might well be?

^ Its ok to be blunt. I appreciate the outside perspectives. I know an outsider looking in will see it more rationally than I am.

All I can say is the manipulations must be too much for me to resist now. He studied me, he knows a great deal about me. He has an advantage. More so than a random stranger would. It puts me in a very vulnerable position when he seems to know what to say.

I avoided and ignored and rejected for months. Its like I dont have the energy to now. He went from a pushy stranger to soneone I feel a kind of responsibility for now. I dont want to see him in pain if I am the cause of it.

I dont know what to do. As I have said its like I am cornered. I cant run or hide. He found me through my public media presence so I cant disappear. He is more determined than I.

I know how all this must look and sound to an outsider but I dont know what else to do or say about it. Maybe he and wife will reconcile or he will get bored of me or someone else will come along. My fighting and resisting him seemed to make him more determined rather than discouraging him.

I wonder if a lot of his instability and obsessiveness is about going through a divorce. They have been separated almost a year. I only know his side of the story which of course paints her as a demon and himself as a saint.

I am sure there are unresolved emotions and loneliness and a void. Maybe I have filled that void a bit like a rebound.

They can still reconcile. I stalked her facebook and their kids. She is very pretty much more attractive than me. The kids look like very sweet kids. They were a nice family. Now the holidays are coming. It might make them want to reconcile. They are not divorced yet. It must be hard to break up a family and end a 23 year marriage. Going through some turbulent emotions us understandable. Men dont have as many outlets. I guess he has found me comforting and soothing for whatever reason.

Here is a theory: He suffers from Delusional Jealousy and his wife was forced to leave because of that. But that doesnt mean feelings have died.

My ex suffered from it so I recognize it and he has showed signs of it already even with me.

He told me she has cheated on him ~50 times and even got pregnant by someone else (miscarriage).

What if this is all a delusion on his half? And this is why she left?

50 times is hard to believe.. it could be true I guess, but it's more likely a lie told to suck you in and feel sorry for him.

I'm crap at relationships myself, and have been sucked in by men like that myself in the past, so all i'm thinking as i read what you write is '' Listen to your instincts and quit ignoring them''. I think you already know it never ends well.

You were talking in your other thread about going grey rock with him.. what happened?