I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, Selfdeserting Subtype, which means I have features of Depressive PD as well.
My Avoidant features cause me trouble, mainly because I'm unable to approach people and therefore am very socially isolated. I also have a problem expressing warm emotions, which makes me appear to be unfriendly at times, cuz I often can't manage to say "thanks" or smile at someone when he says sth nice to me a s o. So far, so well. Being an Avie is a disadvantage in coping with social situations.
With my melancholic features, it's a totally different thing. Having depressive features is really messing up my life. I am used to social isolation, but this is worse.
Unfortunately, there isn't a "Depressive PD" label in the DSM anymore, I think it was taken from there because of lack of research into it (!) which I want to stress bc it basically says that DPD wasn't taken from DSM bc it's not a real problem, but bc there was no one interested in doing research about it... (anyway, I think there is still sth like DPD in the appendix of the DSM, but I'm not sure about it).
So, DPD is a rather unknown condition. I'd like to have some more information about it, but there isn't much available. I read about it in "Personality Disorders of Modern Life" by Theodore Millon and the things described there about DPD fit to me in a rather creepy exact way.
So, I wanted to write about how it is to have DPD and would also like to find fellow beings who can empathize and would like to get in contact.
A major issue for me is having the belief to be personally ineffective.
There is something called Self-determination theory. What it's basically saying is that there's three needs every human being needs to be met: relatedness (in social regards), competence and autonomy.
Competence is about feeling capable of "doing things" in general, it's about believing that if there is a problem, you will be able to solve it. It's not about wether you feel capable of doing maths or write a poem or what, it's about wether your tend to believe you're a capable person in general. So while every person might feel uncapable of doing something, wether it being maths or staying in the same room with your in-laws on Christmas day, most of us tend to have a positive outlook on new problems. Most people tend to believe they're capable of most problems they encounter in their day-to-day life.
I'm not like that. I have a so-called external locus of control (labeling it in the terms of Self Determination Theory). I see myself as being uncapable of solving problems. This means I'm very anxious if I have to do a new task, if there is something that needs to be done and I Don't know how it works, I will put said new task off as hell, until I reach a deadline where I have to do it. This is because I'm persuaded from the start that I'm not capable of doing whatever it is that needs to be done. It also means that I'm really not a very skilled person, and I often get helped, simply because it seems obvious to other people that I won't do certain things on my own. This of course makes me feel guilty and remorseful, because I don't want to be a burden to other people.
Another basic need that is indirectly impacted by depressive PD traits is autonomy. I crave to be autonomous, not to be dependent on someone else and to have the confidence to get along in life without being dependent on someone else. But my belief to not be able to solve problems and thus avoiding to do so makes me of course reliant on other person's help.
Hm, the last example of how Depressive PD works in me is asceticism as my preferred Defense Mechanism.
I would describe this as punishing yourself for not doing things you ought to do (in case your depressive, you might be avoiding some of these things bc your afraid of being not capable of doing it) by not allowing yourself to do enjoyable things. E. g., if I bought a book for it's release I've been waiting for months, and I am looking forward to read it, but havn't cleaned my room already, I will punish myself for not doing this chore by not allowing myself to start reading this book. This way, I try to force myself to do things and at the same time combat feelings of guilt for not doing things I ought to. Of course, this doesn't work at all, because the reason why I don't do things I should do often is depression, and keeping me from doing things that alter my mood makes me only more depressive...
Another way I punish myself for being guilty (of not having done specific tasks, being a burden to other people etc) is by not allowing myself positive thoughts about myself. So if someone has made me a compliment, I will search for reasons in my mind why this compliment is unapplycable to me and even try to find reasons why I'm the opposite of the positive description someone has given me.
...this also reinforces depression...
So, as you can see, I am intellectually well aware of my dysfunctional behaviiour and of how it disrupts my life, but even altering it has been very difficult for me...
I'd really like to get in contact with someone experiencing DPD. I think it would remove a lot of pressure to find someone to talk with who understands and has comparable problems. I never tell people about who I feel and think bc I think it's pretty weird and neurotic (don't know if this really came along in here to its full extent) and I feel very lonely because of it at times. I have a lot of warmth to give and would love to give emotional support as well.
I am unsure wether you can send Private Messages in this forum. Anyway, if there's anyone interested we'll find a way to get in contact I think.
Of course, I'd also appreciate replies and/or feedback.
P S: Hope my English is suitable...
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed