Counter Philosophy for balance.

I find writing to be theroputic. I'm writing this for my benefit and posting it because it's not often you can get feedback on being completely open. Even though I don't particularly care about reputation, I tend to reserve certain thoughts to save the hassle of rebuilding a lost one. People are too self-concerned to hang on to an impression so long as there as been a dramatic change, but considering the limited benifit to being open in the first place, I've learned to keep certain things to myself for no other reason than to conserve energy, and also to avoid validating those undesirable aspects with acknowledgement. Just enforces them, when I should be working away from them. I don't believe in psychology. Never helped me worth a $#%^ and just created another flaw in my personality. A need to be open about my feelings. An incapability to hold in my own problems, and a resulting tendancy to burden others. Real productive. So without further ado: a pointless, step backwards in my ability to be non-dependant on others.
(Here's where I get preachy. The APDs didn't like it, but since when does responding to feedback have anything to do with preaching?)


I think my central point is I don't like people.

I've got paranoid aspects to my personality, but am not delusional. I understand paranoia is wrong as often as right, but why risk ever being wrong? Trusting others can only backfire, so the logical behavior is to never have faith in anyone. You'll never be wrong. Or as I like to say:

"If you attribute everything to malice, you're never naive."

I'm not saying I don't treat people with "trust", I just expect the worst and am pleasantly surprised if things go otherwise which is the majority of the time. I've taken this to the extreme in certain cases, but in the event that it backfires, I'm just back to where I'm started which is feeling dead inside. I won't be hurt. I'll just be irrate that my one calculated gamble back fired further comfirming my distrust for people.

At the same time, I've taken the position that everything anyone ever does to you is a consequence of your own success or failures. It is your inability or ability to control them that dictates your treatment, so if it goes to $#%^, you've only got yourself to blame. So in reality, my refusal to trust others has never been about them, and has always been a lack of faith in my own competance in controlling the way others respond to me.

It is this revelation that allows me to justify my indulgence of my predisposition to gambling. I studied layman sociology for a number of months until I had a framework for understanding and predicting peoples behavior. My final lesson in this was taking a suggesting from a natural social manipulator to heart and made it a habbit of asking myself "why are they doing that?" whenever I saw something I didn't understand. I started practicing it in all aspects of my life, but poker especially.

Ever since I lost my job I've been playing online poker excessively and I'm ######6 good at it. Poker pays the bills so why do anything else? It also indulges my sadistic streak. I might have a recipe for a problem if I wasn't so ######6 good at it.

In essence I see clearly without the dillussions and reservations that most use to keep themselves in blissful ignorance. Hell, why not? It's the rational choice. I'm perfectly aware that I've learned how to imitate this emotion without actually trusting anyone through a "###$ it, don't care about the results but might aswell be happy while I do it." attitude. Might aswell use the enabling emotions behind willfull hypocrisy to my advantage.

I've gotten off track though.

People suck. Willfully hypocritical, self-indulging, predictable, irrational, facist, stupid, emotional, sadistic, base, condescending, pretentious, posturing, assholes. Politicians are excellent examples of people. It's only natural that the most "undeserving" people in the world are the most successful. When you've redefined deserving in terms of successful behaviors it all begins to make sense. Hypocrisy is the basis for the entire concept of rightousness afterall. People deserve their handlers. Politics is the end all metaphor for society and interpersonal relationships. The unconscious cynicism of it all is disgusting.

Someone quoted de Sade in the paranoid forums: "I only immitate" which I think applies nicely, but in my heart of hearts, I've never been able to kick an attraction to civil behavior.

"Do as I say, not as I do." sums it up. Morals? Right and wrong? Ethics? What a joke. I've sat back and watched with unhindered perspective the reality of the situation, and although this disassociated feeling has hindered my immersion and success, it's given me a conscious understanding far beyond anyone else I've ever met.

Some people would say that I'm just seeing what I want to see, but my success rate in predictions of peoples actions says otherwise. The proof of truth is in the indisputable pudding after all. Every one else's philosophies and theories have gaping holes in them. Mine are built up from the ground based on inherant truths. That which survives: survives. The existing have demonstrated themselves to have a predisposition to exist. Causality. It's all inherant indisputable truth given a rational mind. When I found out that my philosophy mirrored that of Ayn Rand I couldn't help but grin. Objectivism or something? Great minds think alike, and the fact that I reinvented that wheel further suggests that there is truth to it. Of course by that logic, a "higher power" has some level of truth behind it, but that's a semantics argument anyway. The religious are similar to agnostics in their inability to comprehend reality, but don't know well enough to aknowlege that fact, so they support a sound concept without filling it out with actual commitment to details where it matters, and lots of erronious details where it doesn't. I think the buddists have it closest to the truth but what's so great about me is I refuse to have "faith" in anything other than indisputable truth. I consider my philosophical beliefs and my other beliefs to be seperate entities, so don't try to throw the baby out with the bathwater by considering my beliefs regarding subjects I cannot find indisputable truths for but require theories to function to be evidence to the hypocrisy of my philosophy of indisputable truths. Besides, if I'm a hypocrite, that just makes me human. It's not like any of this is gonna result in anyone slapping their forhead and going "Oh my god, why didn't I think of that." People evolved to be closed off to other theories because being easily swayed makes you spin in circles. The furthering of the species requires confident clueless wandering in ###$ all directions to serve towards the trial and error process of evolution. Progress is just trying all the possibilities and the best one winning. But ###$, if you're alive, there's something evolutionarily redeamable about you so take comfort in that fact. If historically your family has had a ###$ load of children mormon style then your genes must call for a shotgun approach lol.

blah blah blah. I'm a successful crazy person. Crazy meaning different. Successful in the most loose sense of the word. I've carved out a comfortable niche, but to be honest, my survival security would be almost nill if I hadn't gotten so good at crime when I was younger. I could steal and deal my way back to comfort if need be. I tend to be decent at finding people willing to let me suck some blood off them. Should probably work on making myself slightly more entertaining to really secure that one. Considering the proles being propped up on the bottom rung it should never be too hard to steal one of their places. Musical chairs of life lol. That's whats so great about all the poverty sticken areas of the world. If you concentrate all the human suffering necessary for above average comfort in to one place, then you don't have to look at them and feel guilty lol. That's why I want to collect diamonds if I ever get filthy rich. 10X better than lighting cigars with 100 dollar bills. Diamonds are better example of money down the toilet, and are a billion times more directly connected to the human suffering necessary for decadent consumption. Much better metaphor to make you feel all warm and fuzzy. I wouldn't want my wife to have any other stone.

I know I'm crazy because I don't think the same way most people do. I don't have a problem with it. Rich kids are completely ineffective people so I can only assume that damaged goods come away better for it. That's a lie. In most cases it's a response to a situation that's no longer relevant. Unfortunately, the mechanisms are so well ingrained by the severity of the provocation, there is insufficient motivation to readapt. We've all been skewed by the ###$ up world. Weeeeeee! We can at least take comfort in the fact that we serve as a warning to others huh?

Then there's the resentment for the better-off. This is a fun one. Jelousy is an evolved behavior that serves to prevent a juggernaut situation from thinning the surviving gene pool to limited genetic diversity. If a monarchy type situation developes with one line of genes being vastly superior to all others, and the proles are either neglected or abused, with their survival in jeopardy in either case, the sucky ones at surviving band together and re-entitle themselves to what they "deserve" thereby ensuring biodiversity. Scale this metaphor up a bit, and international conflicts begin to make more sense. 9/11 was a failure by the successful and therefore genetically superior to manage the unsuccessful properly. Interestingly enough, this balancing act continues because the lack of biodiversity among the successful in a disproportionately divided class system marginalizes the successful and puts more of an edge to natural selection among the larger and more diverse population of the unsuccessful. It's all so ######6 cute! The ability to adapt to changin circumstances being the end all be all survival technique that has driven humans to success, even if adaptation takes priority over specialized success, in an ever changing environment, the adaptable are more likely to survive the rug being pulled out from under them.

Equilibrium is such a beautiful word. Balance is nice but is abused by people who don't understand it's underlying causes.

So word to all my homees:

Adapt or die. If you're disfunctional you're broken. You might be able to hole up by specializing but success and failure snowballs. You can be the one to break the cycle and win one for the team of your genes, or you can settle for comfort and leave the problem for your descendants if you manage to find someone willing to have and raise a kid with you. The shittier to leave yourself, the crappier the person you will mix with will be, and the worse the odds of that happening are. Who cares though? Survival is a strong instinct, but it's unlikely to be stronger than what ever brought you here.

You are being undone by a negative feedback loop. You need to become consciously aware of this feedback cycle, and dream up a way to counter it so you can start working towards bringing balance back to yourself. If you "deserve" to survive, maybe you'll be smart enough to put your money on the right gamble. It's all a competition so all you have to be is smarter than your opponents. Not too hard in most cases.

Here's to progress lol.

(what a patchwork quilt of defensive beliefs and justifications right?)
(that's another example, I beat people to the punch so they can't throw it themselves. Kinda telling about me I think.)

Anyone who wants to claim I'm not crazy can piss off. I'm disfunctional enough is certain aspects of my life to deserve the title. If you think I want that title, cause I think it's cool you're off base. I don't want to be right about all this. That's why I want to be crazy.

holy crap, i just realized how old this post is...oops

nvm