Sabotaging yourself

Let's see if I can liven up this subforum...probably not- but really should be more people posting in here..

Anyway, the topic at hand is sabotage- but more likely how you consistently , illogically and almost ...compulsively end up sabotaging yourself.

My primary example of this is that my level of procrastination is so bad that I will not do things that I want to do and are ultimately necessary and very important. My biggest recent experience is when I was applying for schools and had interviews. I barely researched the schools I picked, even after knowing I had an interview- I didn't prepare at all. I intended to ,but never got around to it. I sucked so bad that the only school that gave me a good offer was one that didn't do interviews. It was bad to the point that I barely spent anytime writing my admissions essay. It was horrible. Most important thing in my life and I just couldn't bring myself to face it.

I also have other instances of avoiding responsibilities ....I didn't want to deal with the paperwork required for medicare/ medicaid whatever so I didn't fill it out like the mental health place wanted me to so I ended up deciding to just go off my meds- and i weaned myself off (not that gradually either).

These are just two examples of sabotaging behavior. It's very frustrating- I would label it rather passive aggressive as if I resent the effort it will take.It is quite a task to even get myself to do much of anything that recquires some level of patience.

So what are ways you sabotage your own self?

I agree that this sub forum should be livelier. I have both avoidant and schizoid traits, plus OCDPD and sometimes I don't know where to post.

Having said that, my PD issues create a perfect environment for me to sabotage myself. Like you, it all comes down to procrastination. If it's not something enjoyable, relaxing, or creative, I don't wanna do it. Like paying bills. I'll frequently make a credit card payment at 11:55PM on the day before it was due. And emails. I miss out on a lot of opportunities and resources by being afraid of my inbox. Just yesterday I missed out on an offer for $15 worth of free cat litter because I just didn't want to go through the grueling 20 second process of answering a few online questions.

.I didn't want to deal with the paperwork required for medicare/ medicaid whatever so I didn't fill it out like the mental health place wanted me to so I ended up deciding to just go off my meds- and i weaned myself off (not that gradually either).

That is me, totally! I've gotten to the point where sometimes I ask myself "what would be worse? filling out this stupid boring form or dealing with the consequences from not doing it?" Guess which always wins out? The consequences! I tell myself at least I took the easy way out, but in reality, dealing with the consequences usually leads to far more daunting tasks than filling out a form. You'd think I'd learn, but I don't. I once went two months without SNAP benefits because I told myself not eating for two months was preferable to the nightmare I would have to endure by going down to that hellish office for recertification.

And oh yes, Medicare. Social Security. Dealing in any way with any kind of bureaucracy is as appealing to me as sticking my head in a hornet's nest. In this case, however, I believe my fears are somewhat justified. Has anyone on earth ever succeeded in getting a live person on the phone when calling the Social Security Administration? I thought not.

Opening mail. Because I know it will require me to fill out forms, which my OCD can sometimes make seem indecipherable, or worse yet, pay someone something. For a while, a few years back, I used to bring all my unopened mail with me to my psych. session so we could open it together.

The list is endless.

Yeah I usually post in the schizoid forum, though I do have some obsessive tendencies (not straight up OCD but I do get 'stuck' on things ) so it makes me tend to over post- and I have trouble controlling what I say so I tend to blab on and on and on.

I honestly don't know much where to post either, but to be fair I never really got a clear idea of what pd traits I'm supposed to have according to the person that diagnosed me. I think they just recognized the dysfunction but couldn't really place it . I think schizoid explains how my feelings towards other people work the best, though I recognize avoidant tendencies in overall life (I haven't learned to drive a car, things like that) .

Anyway, yes it's really stupid to me how I do exactly what you do. No offense. I think we both know it is dumb. But trying to get myself to do it is..just....I feel like a lazy whiner, I really do and maybe I am, but it is just too daunting for me to do certain things. Procrastination is just this horrible coping method I have now. I mean certain stuff that isn't a big accomplishment for other people feels SUPER AWESOME to me like filling out my rental application. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it!!! Just small stuff- finally going to get my ID after 2 or 3 years of putting it off, etc.

It does make me fearful of my future success. I haven't had to live on my own yet, so being out there in the world is going to be more daunting, which is why I need to make sure to get with a mental health services place (and I'll have insurance this time so yay )

I have missed out on opportunities to show my art work because even figuring out how to do it is just mind boggling. Luckily, I finally did a show at a little restaurant here in town but it sorta fell into my lap.

Yeah I've avoided looking in my mailbox or in my email just because I didn't want to have to deal with things..

I think the important thing is just trying to deal with it and take what steps can be taken. It says something though if any kind of forms or managing anything causes enough anxiety that , in my case, I was willing to get off medecine, and you - you were willing to not eat!

Phew. It's good to get this off the chest, isn't it? Primarily this whole scenario is what makes me even want to pursue any mental health- because I can't seem to get things together. (that and depressive episodes)

Hi I feel like I have a bit of everything, so I always feel a bit out of place wherever I post. so I agree, it would be good to make use of this subforum a bit more.

Big problems with procrastination here. Always been a daydreamer and avoidant with people. Iin the past I was responsible (actually over-responsible) with work and commitments, but after my breakdown I became the opposite.

I have let big opportunities slip by by defaulting on responsibilities. In the past this was always because of being to scared to speak to someone (i.e. avoidance) but recently it has also been neglect of work. When i first read about passive-aggressive in this context I felt very resistant to the idea and it upset me, but now i think i concede that there is an element of that. Sometimes I want people to not depend on me but i dont want to communicate that straight.

Recently I went to the dentists after a 20 year hiatus.

-- Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:26 pm --

Also I am currently unemployed and entitled to benefits but I have not got around to collecting them yet because I am scared and obsessing about other stuff. Also I must put more time into job applications but my mind fixates on everything but ..

FishPaste wrote:Hi I feel like I have a bit of everything, so I always feel a bit out of place wherever I post. so I agree, it would be good to make use of this subforum a bit more.

Big problems with procrastination here. Always been a daydreamer and avoidant with people. Iin the past I was responsible (actually over-responsible) with work and commitments, but after my breakdown I became the opposite.

I have let big opportunities slip by by defaulting on responsibilities. In the past this was always because of being to scared to speak to someone (i.e. avoidance) but recently it has also been neglect of work. When i first read about passive-aggressive in this context I felt very resistant to the idea and it upset me, but now i think i concede that there is an element of that. Sometimes I want people to not depend on me but i dont want to communicate that straight.

Recently I went to the dentists after a 20 year hiatus.

I have never been to the dentist in my life, but I am gonna try to go when I move. My family is pretty ..on the poorer end so we could never go unless something horrible happened to our teeth.

Anyway, yeah I can't figure out if it's really some kind of underlying passive aggressive with me as well. I tend to say that I'll do things without actually doing them, even to other people. I also avoid responsibility like the plague. I don't feel like I'm trying to be antagonistic about it though. It just feels like a natural reaction,but maybe the reaction is because i don't want to do it so much and it frustrates me so much that it is instinctual to pull back.

I don't think I want anyone to depend on me period, and I think i do resent being dependent on others due to my ineptitude. >_< .

JPKAS wrote:Anyway, yes it's really stupid to me how I do exactly what you do. No offense. I think we both know it is dumb. But trying to get myself to do it is..just....I feel like a lazy whiner, I really do and maybe I am, but it is just too daunting for me to do certain things. Procrastination is just this horrible coping method I have now. I mean certain stuff that isn't a big accomplishment for other people feels SUPER AWESOME to me like filling out my rental application. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it!!! Just small stuff- finally going to get my ID after 2 or 3 years of putting it off, etc.

None taken. It's frustrating to know how detrimental procrastination can be to your life and still not be able to stop it. Not sure how old you are but if you're young, you still have time to work on fighting it, for your own good, for your own future. Being an artist and having mental health issues can compliment each other, as far as the art goes, but if you want to get somewhere or make an impression with your art, you have to just suck it up and stick your head out there and deal with people and compete, two things that have never been my strong point. Over the years, due to my avoidant issues, I've missed out on some major opportunities, two of the biggest being the chance to co-write a script for a feature film with a well known indie filmmaker, and the chance to be an assistant to a (now) well known graphic artist. Here's something to think about: I remember being a teen listening to Pink Floyd's song "Time". There's that lyric that goes "and then one day you find/ten years have got behind you/no one told you when to run/you missed the starting gun". I remember thinking 'well that will never happen to ME!'

Guess what? It did.

FishPaste wrote:Recently I went to the dentists after a 20 year hiatus

I'm going on 18 years!!! Luckily my OCD might be saving me from tragedy: I brush my teeth about 15-20 times a day.

Yeah I know . It's a frightening prospect to think I might blow it. I'm still young enough (I'm 23) and I'll be in a new place with a lot more opportunity. I'll be closer to cultural cities. .

Really I've gotten super lucky I haven't ruined things for myself. So I need to take that luck I've had and run with it and do better from now on. it's just not easy.

I'm sorry to hear you've passed up some opportunities in your life. I appreciate that you are sharing that with me. I am hoping to overcome the crippling procrastination and frustrating avoidance (I don't avoid people per say but I do avoid situations).

The main issue is that I'm not that interested in people ,but it's easier to overcome things when you aren't doing it on your own. A bit of a catch 22, but I'm gonna try to get mental health help and hopefully I'll be able to do it .

Yeah I really don't want 10 years to pass me by like that...It's really easy. I already feel like I didn't take full advantage of these past 4 years.