am i a sadist :(

I know I've put this in the wrong topic but I didn't know where else to put it and I'm desperate.I'm not going to write an whole essay im just going to come out and say it I like seeing women in pain, whether it be emotional or physical, in real life or in film. For example there was a film and I rewatched over and over a scene in which my favourite (female) character being tortured. I don't know exactly what I like about it but I do, I like watching films and reading books where my favourite characters are in some sort of pain or trauma, I don't want them to die just to suffer and never quite get over the emotional trauma. I like watching them cry. I'm a female and I don't if this is normal, I don't know if this is sadistic. I've had daydreams of female characters being in pain, i would never go out and hurt someone. I know my sentences are disjointed, im just really nervous i haven't ever really come face to face with this.