Child Punishment / Sibling vs. Sibling

My wife feels that it's a good idea when she is not receiving the feedback, actions or compliance (to a level that deserves a punishment) from one child that it is a good idea to have the child's sibling dole our the punishment for the other. A clear threat by the mother is made by first warning if compliance isn't achieved, that the other sibling will be left in charge of the consequence. These are two loving children who are tightly bonded, but regardless of the quality of their relationship, I feel that this puts both children into a very unhealthy situation. I feel that it causes the punished child to resent the other for serving any punishment at all with the exception of more or less resentment depending on the level of punishment chosen. I feel that the punishing child is put into a stressful situation as this disrupts the natural order of their personal relationship, causes hurt by inflicting an punishing action and dealing with the resentment from the punished sibling. Regardless of the source of why a mother would think that this is constructive, would someone who is qualified to observe and discuss a situation like this leave commentary to the action itself and it's potential effect on children. Conversely, is there someone who thinks this is a good idea?

Would your wife be open to talking to your children's pediatrician about this, or perhaps a family therapist to get some feedback?

Thank you for the reply. I know too many Pediatricians to think that they will be consistent with psychological advice. They vary too much and have a healthy dose of opinion that doesn't make me confident. The wife avoids psychologists as they have seen through her in years prior. Everyone is crazy, out of touch or not Christian enough for her and regardless of education, we are all seeminly dismissed in her mind if we don't have opinions that line up with hers. I am not seeking council. I do want to engage in discussion online however, and hear the educated opinions of others. I want to stay on task of discussion and subject in this forum.

I wish you the best. I will let you know however, that this forum is not very active however, so I am not sure if you will receive many replies here.

Doglegshift wrote:Regardless of the source of why a mother would think that this is constructive, would someone who is qualified to observe and discuss a situation like this leave commentary to the action itself and it's potential effect on children.

You didn't define your idea of 'qualified'. If you want someone professionally qualified, online is a poor choice to look. I would be looking at resources within your own community.

Doglegshift wrote:These are two loving children who are tightly bonded, but regardless of the quality of their relationship, I feel that this puts both children into a very unhealthy situation.

Yup! Your wife's actions will destroy their relationship. That said, she's your wife, so you're the other 50% of this situation. You feel this is unhealthy, you should put your foot down and stop this. Involve outside sources, if you have to. Your wife's actions are extremely detrimental to those kids in more ways than just ruining their relationship with each other. The child being punished is going to feel ganged up on, by your wife and the sibling. This could (most likely will) lead to resentment, anger, feeling of isolation and feelings of being alone. Good way to create a potential personality disorder in a child, imo.

With my own kids, when one is disciplined, the other naturally goes to comfort the one who has just been grounded, or had a privilege taken away. The child being disciplined has their feelings validated by the other child... it's a healthy thing in many ways.

I do not agree with one child doling out punishment for another child. Possibly promote bullying? Maybe suggest to your wife that all parties, you included, sit down and agree on a punishment.

RapidMallard78 wrote:Possibly promote bullying?

May not be the correct way of saying it. More like 'You have wronged me, now I must punish you' attitude.