Dysfunctional Family ... need your help Please!

[sarav60]

Hi to all, I felt this was the best place to look for help even though this board seems to lean towards school aged kids but I didn't know where else to go.
My problem is with my 4 adult kids. 3 of whom are doing well with life, jobs, family etc...
I have one adult child who is diagnosed with depression, schizo, and a number of other mental health issues. The other 3 kids have pretty much abandoned him because of many past bad performances by him. He really wants to be part of the family but its not working out for him. He has appologized for his past mistakes and is really trying to be better but its like" the boy who cried wolf" the other kids lost all trust with him and believe he will cause things to happen again. They say they don't feel comfortable around him anymore.

Another situation is my daughter who is one of those three kids above. Besides not wanting anything to do with the brother with depression, she also has stopped all contact with her youngest brother because of his wife. My daughter-in-law is not very outgoing and is somewhat manipulative and wants to keep my son from his family. My daughter has tried talking to her to find out why and also has talked with her brother to get him to realize the problem but of course he will defend his wife. Therefore my daughter won't have any more to do with either of them.

So now I feel my family is in shambles and I am hurting. No one wants to be around anyone anymore and our family gatherings have pretty much ceased. I told all the kids I will no longer plan anymore holiday gatherings or anything until all this stops. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not but now I am here asking for help to see if there is anything else I can do.

Does everyone's families behave like this? If anyone out there has had any experience in dealing with these kinds of situations in their family, I would love for you to share what has or has not worked for your family.

Much appreciated in advance!

[Ada]

Families are hard work at the best of times, and adults can be more stuck in their ways than children, and have to take responsibility for their own relationships, so it gets that much more complicated.

I think the only suggestion I have is to "divide and conquer". Rather than planning gatherings that involve everyone, you could try to have smaller get-togethers with just two of the four. That means you get to see all of them over time, they stay in the habit of being in contact with each other, and it might be a "foot in the door" for your son with MH issues, if the situation is a simple dinner together or trip to the cinema or whatever you're likely to do as a family. But it's so hard. There's little you can do to change their minds about each other.

[sarav60]

Thank you Ada. Well I guess I have been doing the right thing then. I have been doing the "divide and conquer" thing. That's the only thing I could think of until I found another solution. Right or wrong, it still doesn't feel good.

I wish parenting came with manuals during my years of child rearing. Today, we have this wonderful internet thing to help with parenting. The younger generation raising kids today I would think will fair better than my generation.

I just don't understand how my family got here in this mess. I was a married mother of 4 children ( 2 separate marriages) and working full time but we all worked together running our farm too. We kept the kids busy with 4-H and school sports etc... We were quite an active family.
Apparently, somewhere in time I was missing something or overlooking something. I guess this can happen when your too busy to notice.
Then when they all became adults is when all this started to happen. They all went separate ways and developed differently, including opinions!

Now that I have this mess, I am feeling I haven't done well with the mothering. I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I breakdown and cry when I feel overstressed about it all.
I can only hope that they will resolve their issues in the near future but I feel as though it won't happen unless I get the ball rolling. I just know that If nothing is achieved that after I'm dead and gone they will no longer have anything to do with each other ever.

I know there are other families out there dealing with similar situations and I would love to hear about them.

Ada, Its possible your suggestion may work. I will try that. I think we can call that " baby steps"?
A little at a time might be the solution.

[Ada]

Then when they all became adults is when all this started to happen. They all went separate ways and developed differently, including opinions!

I don't think you should take all the blame for this, in that case. Adults are able to think and decide for themselves, and that change from caring, kind children to rather self-obsessed young adults isn't something you can affect. It's their own choice of how to relate and what to prioritise now that's the problem. You're doing the right things in providing some pressure [even if it's just them knowing you'd like it to be different, not nagging] and giving them opportunities to mend fences.

I just know that If nothing is achieved that after I'm dead and gone they will no longer have anything to do with each other ever.

Maybe, but I'd hope that they'll come to a better understanding of their own family as they get older and take a wider view of the world. Perhaps have mental health problems in their own families that suddenly make the experience of your son very relevant, or need the help that a sibling will often provide without judgement.

I know there are other families out there dealing with similar situations and I would love to hear about them.

That'd be good. Please hang out in the forum too, if you like, and post to other people's topics.

[sarav60]

Thank you Ada. I hope the future works out that way. I'll be back!