Parenting the Inner Child

[daycaesar]

My therapist told me that if I parent my child like I parent my inner child then I am doing her a disservice.

My father was not abusive but could explode seemingly anytime. I didn't like him very much and when he died when I was 13, home felt like a much a safer and happier place.

My mother was the exact opposite of my father. She was low discipline and very safe feeling.

Neither were high on discipline really. My dad had his principles. I was always respectful of adults and prided myself on acting mature. However, my room was always a mess and I hated putting away my toys. I'm pretty sure mom did most of the chores I didn't like.

So it is today. I don't like doing things I need to do. I will actually do chores like washing dishes, laundry, etc. but when it comes to graphic design for my business or doing paper work I procrastinate. Even sending invoices out so I get paid will be put off. Of all people in the world to be an entrepreneur... and I am just so average at it. And it's because my inner child is in control.

That said, my inner child has done OK sort of. I'm not starving and have accomplished quite a bit. My inner child is normally happy but can act spoiled at times. Sometimes I actually feel some tears when I don't get my way, however I don't remember using that tactic to get what I wanted when I was a child.

I think I get by because I show the same maturity that I showed as a child, otherwise I am sure it would be more pronounced. I like to work on things I like to do. I will do things I don't like to do to get to the finish line. However, in business, there is no finish line... or more accurately, there is no end in the number of finish lines. So normally, once I get to the first finish line, I kind of just quit because there are more tedious jobs ahead.

I lack persistence at times. I get rattled at times with a set back. I don't necessarily have the will to overcome some of the larger obstacles. However, I haven't given myself anything too serious either. Most of the things I do are very small beans. A small newspaper, or a small distribution service. None of it has much meaning to me other than a way to make money. However, starting small doesn't mean the idea is small. It also doesn't mean it can't make a big impact. I don't know if I start things just to see if I can get them started or what, but I don't follow through very well once they are started. I never attach enough meaning to them to follow through to the point of success. One project I worked very hard on for a several months and I ended up with a beautiful product that I was sure many people would want to buy. But the initial sales were disappointing and I had a legal set back. I lost my heart for it.

Believe it or not, I actually kind of like where I am, except this is all I will ever be if I don't change. I want something better, I don't want to be like this 10 years from now. I don't want to be doing things I don't like all the time but I don't want to just do a job I hate because I can force myself to. I "simply" need to be able to do the things that need to be done to get to the next level.

That's like saying to become for fit I just "simply" have to eat better, or "simply" exercise. These things are easy to do but I don't do them. I know the benefits are enormous and the consequences of not exercising and eating well are just as negatively enormous.
benefits are off the charts. But amazingly without the feeling of a good amount of pain or the fear of nearly immediate pain the research has little effect on my behavior.

If you asked me, would I rather run 2 miles or have the tip of my pinkie toe cut off… I would truly consider the ladder for a few moments.

I contend that I am so addicted, physically, mentally, emotionally and perhaps spiritually to having a moderate amount of pleasure and a slightly less moderate amount of pain in my life that I need an intervention and then I need to be taken away for several months to rehab.

I knew a guy who had just had life saving bypass surgery and he demanded to have a cigarette a few hours after his operation. To the horror of the nursing staff he got a few puffs in. However, it didn’t kill him, so he was good to start back smoking as soon as he could get out of the hospital. "Sure, I’ll cut back", he said. And he actually did for about 3 days or so. No immediate fear of death, no immediate desire to change behavior.

I think most behavior changes, at least for us "addicted" to making our lives just a little more comfortable than uncomfortable, take place within a moment. I think I would literally have to have someone with the power to turn my heart on and off running my life for me.
Scenario dialogue between my inner child and someone with the ability to get me to act when I don't want to.
"See that business card you have to design? Get to it."
"I don’t want to." My inner child says.
"Do you want to live?"
"Not enough to design the card."
"Then, off goes your heart."
My heart stops and adrenaline kicks in….
"OK, OK, I am doing it. I am doing it!" My inner child (and my inner parent and anybody else I got roaming the brain) pleads.

Is this the only way to do what I need to do? I am not trying to be a millionaire. I just want to make enough to pay my relatively meager bills and have a little left over. I want to be able to relax without the “disconnect”.

The "disconnect" is a term I use for myself. It’s when I know I need to do something and I just don’t think about it. I think about it but then I am able to disconnect again. I can do this over and over until I eventually miss the deadline and have to cancel everything I had been working on. It’s like a trip to fantasy land. Reality really doesn’t mean much unless I am immediately harming someone else or myself in a profound way. Normally I need to see the harmful, ugly, effects of my actions. Then the pain of not changing is worse. "This procrastination" is the main tactic my inner child uses to "protect" me from the pain of work.

Anyone have any luck with taking control from their inner child? I don't want to silence him. I want him to run a lot of my life, but when it's time to work, I need him to allow me to work. I'm looking for a team effort between my inner parent and my inner child and I think me. I feel like I am in there separately from my inner parent and child. In fact I know I have the ultimate say. But I cave in so easily. It's not hard to cave in because I don't want to do the work in the first place, so I'm not even sure I am being tricked by my inner child. It's like when a door to door chocolate (or cheesecake, or cigarette, or fill in your weakness here) salesman stops at your door and tries to sell you a box of chocolates and you say "No Thanks" and then he says well perhaps I could get a drink of water because I have been walking around all day. And then you say, "OK, you can come in". But you know its just an excuse and you are allowing the deceit to happen so you can buy some chocolate... All the salesman had to was disguise what he was doing. Weird.

How do you act with your best interests in mind, instead of acting with your immediate wants in mind?

Hope you all had a nice New Year. And if you got this far reading, I hope you gained something from it. And thank you for allowing me to get it out.

Tom

[jasmin]

Hi, daycaesar! Maybe you have to deal with the issues you have with your parents a little bit more. Also, were you bullied or rejected in school? I think that can lead to apathy when it comes to doing something that you have to do (like work) as well.