I need help on my issue

[isaac91]

im a 24 year old male, grew up in a dysfunctional home i believe; in my childhood the relationship with my father was good but with my mother on the other hand ever since i was young have never been good, she is angry, hostile, stressed out, most of the time and i've been witnessing this for the past 20 years of my life, and from that i believe i got depersonlization disorder nearly 5 or 6 years and my life have been a mess ever since, the sad part is i've always been outspoken, cheerful, confident, funny, etc but my mother i believe dragged me down so much that now im struggling to live normally. This will sound odd but people i feel like i have no mother; the mother i have to me is more of caretaker rather than a real mother; at times i question wether my real mother will show up, because it feels like i've never had a mother to begin with. I dont know what it feels like to have an actual mother. The mother i have i cant accept her as a mother even when she shows emotional outbursts i show no remorse towards her; at times i feel she ruined my life. I don't want to play the blame game but im saying it as it is, i've always been popular amongst my friends and strangers but everytime i return home i feel a war is being waged at me day in day out for 20 years of my life; which have resulted in depersonlization 5 or 6 years and it have ruined my life ever since.

Another issue shes very nosy and possessive over any issue that relates to her children and she tends to be aggressive with it, her constant interference in my life was bearable but with the years it eventually ruined my social life because i felt i have no freedom over anything i do. Now am a calm guy i don't tend to stress out for no reason but this have all changed since 5 or 6 years ago my life have got worse and i have went from being calm to constant paranoia that i can't really escape.