Passive aggressive child mentally harassing my child

[Fuzzypup]

In the neighborhood we have a lot of kids from age 5 to 9. They all play together. When my son plays outside half the time he starts crying, he is 8. The situation outside would break down to where he was screaming at the other kids looking like he is crazy. Initially when I moved to this neighborhood and this started happening I thought it's my kid. He is very sensitive due to being highly intelligent. His social intelligence is below his age which is not uncommon for a child of higher intelligence.

But then I started noticing these incidents only happened around 1 kid in particular. So I started hanging around the kids and listening to the conversation. I discovered this particular kid, Adam, would hijack the play and be very passive aggressive to my son, he is 9. For a while I couldn't put my finger on what he was doing until I researched it.

Some examples are this. 5 kids are playing. Adam claims to be the captain. He then proceeds to say "ok we are playing cops and robbers. You, you, you, and me are cops. Victor you are the robber." Victor is my son. Now this is fine but Adam never rotates who is the robber. So 1, 2, 3, 4 rounds go by and my son is still the robber and not the cop, and the ONLY robber. So after the 3rd time my son protests "how about someone else be the robber". Adam ignores him and continues to play.

Finally my son gets mad and loudly protests the 4th or 5th round. "hey it's not fair that I am the robber all the time. Can't we play another game or someone else be the robber?". Adam replies "well if you don't want to play you can go home." And my son blows up because he wants to play with the other kids. The other, mostly younger, kids are clueless to what is going on because they aren't being affected by it. They are having fun.

Or another example.

Adam "ok we are playing tag. Victor you're it!" Then Adam breaks the rules, cheats very passively. Always tags my son and not other kids.

If my son comes up with a game idea to play it is are shot down. And he always uses "fine I'm taking 'so and so' and playing over here" if he doesn't get his way.

I researched what this kid Adam is doing to my child and it's passive aggressive behavior. Adam is behind in school by 2 grades in reading and 1 in math. I believe he feels threatened because my son is smarter than he is. An example is when they played Minecraft in the past. My son would build circuits and roller coasters, and houses like, and Adam could only put together the simplest of items. My son tried to teach him, but he wouldn't learn. He wanted my son to give him everything. Finally Adam would say "fine if you aren't going to help me I'm going home" because my son spent more time building things for him than playing and get got tired of it.

The main problem I have is that my son still wants to play with him. My son is an extrovert who loves people. But this kid Adam is making him miserable 4 of 5 times they play and our family suffers for it. I approached the parents about this as sensitive as I could but it went right over their heads. I believe they simply think my child is a goof and over sensitive and this is all just kid stuff. I thought it was my oversensitive son at first like I said before. But Victor has zero problems when this kid is not around. He plays fine with all other kids. Sure occasionally something happens but it is no where close to the frequency of incidents when he is around Adam.

I am at the point to forbid him from playing with this kid. But then my son suffers because if Adam is outside, and he always is, my son loses out on playing with these neighborhood kid.

I seriously don't know what to do about this. Think if you had a person like this at work always passively sabotaging your work almost getting you fired, just you. Imagine how frustrating that would be. Now imagine a young child dealing with this kind of person.

Thanks.

[Seangel]

Hi Fuzzypup,

How about if you give Victor tools to take away Adam's power when playing. So, for example, Victor telling the other kids to decided wether or not to continue playing a game, instead of telling Adam, or if Adam wants to answer, to let the other kids vote.

Also, to propose a new game before Adam does. For example, when he's tired of playing cops and robbers, to propose playing "it". And if Adam continuously tags him, to point it to Adam: "Adam, have you noticed you always tag me?"

Also, try to explain to Victor, why this passive aggressive behaviour is happening.

Do you think it's possible to put Adam in Victor's shoes? Or to show him how Victor feels when he acts passive aggressively?

Good luck, and I hope Victor finds strength in you and within himself to face this situation.

Sea

[Fuzzypup]

Thank you for the suggestions. I already did all that you recommended and more. This has gone on for way too long and I am simply out of ideas. That's why I am here. Adam usually doesn't show remorse or acknowledge for what he is doing unless it is blatantly obvious. I have never met a kid like this in my life. Adam did have a similar issue with another kid at school. This other kid lost it on him and Adam he cried wolf claiming he was "bullied". Which isn't the truth. The kid in question is a good kid. The parents got involved and sorted it out as a "misunderstanding".

Sometimes Victor handles himself well and turns the table on the other kid but it's rare. I even sought the advice of someone with a degree in psychology. But I got similar answers to what you presented.

So I guess if they play outside I am just going to have to look like the ass dad and police them protecting my child. Every time Adam gets out of line I am just going to intervene. But I have to be careful because of the his parents. And I am just going to have to lay down some really hard rules to keep this kid out of my house if he doesn't play nice. Keep instructing my son on how to deal with these kind of people.

[Seangel]

Have you tried helping Adam express his anger?

I was just reading that Passive Aggressive behaviour is a masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger. So maybe if he expresses his anger, which he may not understand he's suppressing or covering it, he might stop the passive aggressive behaviour.

[Fuzzypup]

I am aware of that aspect when someone shows p/a behavior. It starts in childhood and can carry on to adulthood if it is not resolved.

I can't approach this situation as you suggest without looking like an asshole. Mom and dad are uneducated people. His parents fight (mom and kid told me) and there are other issues. The mom is a good person and really helps him at school, dad I am not very familiar with. He isn't very social. Adam is very short for his age, behind in school, and has a learning disability. He was evaluated by the school, at my very delicately put suggestion to the mom.

So what I think is happening is that Adam is feeling insecure in his learning ability and his size. He can't openly express himself without being told to "suck it up" at home from his authoritarian dad. He sees his parents fight and keeps all those harmful feelings inside. No kid likes seeing their parents fight. From what mom told me it's verbally abusive too. So Adam only does what Adam know how to do thus the reason why he controls the play and his p/a behavior is learned because of his situation and pent up emotions.

So I can't really chat with the kid about what is truthfully going on without pissing the parents off. It might make matters worse at home. I suggested counseling to the mom and the dad wants nothing to do with that. Luckily they are renters and eventually their lease will be up. They don't like where we live.

As much as I dislike this kid, I feel bad for him. I have so many situations I can share where he has displayed this type of behavior not only to my son but to other kids he finds threatens him. I have never seen this kind of expertly executed manipulative behavior in a child.

[Seangel]

Humm... Yeah, you're right.

Then, your approach is the best one; working it with your son, teach him to identify this behaviour, and to learn to either neutralize it, break the cycle, or try and not to be as affected by it.

Hope things work much better for both Adam, and Victor.

Sea