Have you tried to reduce your libido?

My situation after 27 days of taking triptorelin 11.25mg 3 months injection.

It's very hard to orgasm, not impossible though. It needs a lot of work which makes me sweaty. I can smell some kind of medicine in my sweat. I feel somewhat nauseous and it's easy to lose the erection while I masturbate. I still remember something about what I used to watch about a year and a month ago. The memories of those cp vids are not so sexy anymore. Even if I imagine a child being spanked, it isn't that sexy anymore as it used to be. It's very hard to find anything sexy in anything. It's very hard to focus on anything that used to be sexy. It's very easy to think anything else.

I still have the desire to weekly relieve my sexual needs. This time I didn't watch porn or anything else at all. It's just depressing to see that legal porn isn't powerful enough. I wish I could get rid of the whole desire. I'm depressed and passively suicidal.

I just told my current situation. I'm NOT really going to hurt anybody including me. But very often, I'd love to die.

Hi Pig...

I have a couple thoughts, and I want to know your take on things...


With what you've stated, it appears that the chemical castration has made a very evident dent in things. I know that this is somewhat the desired effect you were looking for, but it appears to me that the lack of joy or stimulation that you're experiencing may be feeling like the feelings or throes of depression.

One way I can describe this is, as in being BPD, we are used to extreme feelings, be they really great, or really horrid. When we learn to accept the gray area, or work on this, it always feels like extreme boredom or an "empty" feeling, which most of us will equate with dysthymia or depression.

Do you think the lack of stimulation for activities that you had once for activities that you're trying to alleviate are the root of this issue? If so, do you think it might be possible to find other activities that lack a sexual aspect or response, that you might enjoy?


I know those are some loaded thoughts, but I thought I'd put in my ten cents - and sorry, no refunds :0).



AMP

It is possible that depression could be a side-effect of the medication. It's very important to discuss this with whoever is supervising you medically.

If you want to stop masturbation all together, try thinking it through when you feel the urge. You know it is going to take a long time, make you sweaty, not be very enjoyable and make you feel worse after. Try distracting yourself from the thought of it, maybe by coming on here and posting, or by playing with a toy, like lego, and reminding yourself that you want to be like a child and not masturbate like an adult.

Trying to remember the child pornography you watched before will only make you want to masturbate more, or even see it again. You managed to stay away from the pornography, now try masturbation. Think about how it is just not worth it. Try relieving stress or tension through exercise. It seems like a habit you are in, but habits can be broken.

About feeling depressed, maybe exercise will cheer you up. It must be difficult to change from something that is usually a big part of an adult's life. Finding a new hobby could give you a boost. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks all for your support and help!

MissAli wrote:With what you've stated, it appears that the chemical castration has made a very evident dent in things. I know that this is somewhat the desired effect you were looking for, but it appears to me that the lack of joy or stimulation that you're experiencing may be feeling like the feelings or throes of depression.

My depression is due to that I'm very disappointed in my life. I'm disappointed because I'm a pedo and that I was bullied. Being a pedo and not being able to change that is the most depressing thing for me. Of course, I would have wanted to be a "normal" person who is exclusively attracted to women or men or both. But it isn't always possible to get what you want in this world.

Although it was nice to be intensively aroused, it also was horrible to watch and possess cp, because of the constant fear of getting discovered and locked up. And I believe that watching it is very bad for one's mental health. Eventually watching it made me to want more like having a boy with me in reality. The material even felt disgusting while getting an orgasm and after it. But when the desire returned, the material felt sexy again. I was stupid that I thought that I could have lived with watching and possessing cp. I wasn't able and I'm not able to live like that. It was and is too distressing. I knew that my mental health was in a poor state and that I needed help asap. So I sought for help then and stopped the cp thing altogether. My memories of those vids helped me in the worst times when I really missed cp.

I'm not going to relapse, because it's quite a miracle that I got rid of it. I've promised several people that I'll stay clean. I don't miss cp anymore. I just want that my desire will die. My potency is already poor which is just what I wanted. It feels humiliating to masturbate although everyone does that. I can't stop masturbating altogether until my desire is gone.

GinaSmith, you're right and it is a simple fact that this medicine can make depression worse. But usually not as much as Androcur does.

It is also a fact that with low T-levels you are prone to have mood changes. I seem to have those.

I'm going to be like a woman who is having a menopause. An SSRI and exercise can relieve the symptoms of the low testosterone. With low testosterone I must live even healthier than before. It means, for example, that I have to take care of my bones in a long term.

Samantha_E wrote:If you want to stop masturbation all together, try thinking it through when you feel the urge. You know it is going to take a long time, make you sweaty, not be very enjoyable and make you feel worse after. Try distracting yourself from the thought of it, maybe by coming on here and posting, or by playing with a toy, like lego, and reminding yourself that you want to be like a child and not masturbate like an adult.

While I have the desire to masturbate, I cannot stop it. Masturbation doesn't hurt anybody, but I still want to stop it. The easiest way to stop it is to make my desire as low as possible. Getting rid of cp is a totally different thing, because it's very harmful to me and others.

I don't believe that I ever can stop masturbation altogether, but it would be very nice if I only needed to do that like once a month or two months.

Btw, I've got a very nice plush toy. I love it. It solaces me. I might like to play with some technic legos. And I've dreamed about an RC car. However, I haven't yet started to play with those again. Of course, I've got other things that I really enjoy to do and they do have nothing to do with sex, like listening to classical music, trying to make music, bicycling, walking, sleeping and eating something delicious etc.

However, I'm waiting for getting rid of the desire. This triptorelin still has much time left to do it's job. I'm not sure if I'll take another injection. If I can manage with this medicine in my work (btw, I don't work around children at all, if someone thinks that), I will continue taking injections. The worst thing this medicine could do is to prevent me from doing my work. If I found a boyfriend, then I would probably stop taking injections. But it's very unlikely that I'm going to find one. Who would like to have a pedo partner? I think it isn't quite attractive in general to admit being a pedo.

Samantha_E wrote:Trying to remember the child pornography you watched before will only make you want to masturbate more, or even see it again. You managed to stay away from the pornography, now try masturbation. Think about how it is just not worth it. Try relieving stress or tension through exercise. It seems like a habit you are in, but habits can be broken.

About feeling depressed, maybe exercise will cheer you up. It must be difficult to change from something that is usually a big part of an adult's life. Finding a new hobby could give you a boost. I hope you feel better soon.

You're right, but in my case because I'm on meds, I don't want to masturbate more because it's quite difficult and it needs a lot of work. I should do some exercise that makes me to feel good, like bicycling, running and walking. I'm not going to betray me and some other people by relapsing. I don't really miss cp that much. If I really need to watch something, I watch adult porn and/or legal pics and vids of boys. If I think I'm going to relapse, I must tell about that to somebody like my mother or my pedo friends or post here. I can't stay alone and silent if I think I'm in a danger of relapsing.

I visited a nice doctor today. He thinks that there is NO point for me to use testosterone lowering drugs.

I should find a young man, because I'm a bit gay. At least I would like to be close with another person. I've never kissed anyone in a romantic or sexual way. I'd like to kiss somebody like me.

Maybe the gayness will strengthen in me when I'm going to have experiences in finding, seeing and meeting other young men.

I've always got support and help around me IF I FAIL or IF I'm going to fail. So I should not need to be so afraid of finding a young man.

Currently I think I will not continue taking any testosterone lowering drugs.

Hi Pig. I really found your posts here very informative and helpful. I'm a non-exclusive pedo in my late 20s, and have been married for over 5 years. I'm currently on the maximum allowed dosage of citalopram (Celexa) and, for the first time in my life, I'm truly considering chemical castration.

I noticed as I began taking citalopram that achieving orgasm while masturbating or having sex with my wife became more difficult, such that I felt less motivated to masturbate. The effect wasn't significant until I told my psychiatrist that my depression was still fairly intense and he maxed my dosage. Once the effects of this hit me, it became still more difficult to maintain an erection and achieve orgasm, and my libido decreased significantly due to the effort required for the payoff. I still feel a strong desire for sex roughly 2 times per week and have little trouble in bed when I haven't masturbated recently. At first I was able to quit masturbating all but once every couple weeks or less, but then, with some heavy-handed encouragement from my ecclesiastical leader and the indispensible help of a new-found community of friends, I quit masturbating entirely and I stopped searching for porn (including clothed pics of girls). This has lasted for about 7 months. I've felt better about myself and my sex life has improved even though the side effects of citalopram have persisted. I've been careless often about the sites I visit and the media I consume online, half-hoping to sneak a peak at something salacious involving young females, and often having my wish fulfilled. This troubles me because I know my limits and that it will only lead to masturbation again if I continue to be careless. I've toed the line by arousing myself almost to orgasm and reading very sexually suggestive literature (though not explicit if I can avoid it).

This summer I decided to see what would happen if I stopped taking the citalopram. For one month I didn't take any and my streak of not masturbating remained unbroken until the last couple days when I had stayed with my young niece's family for several days, and I found that I couldn't control my fantasies. On the advice of a friend, I masturbated several times over the course of 2 days in hopes that my urges would be more controllable. It did help, but it left a blemish on my otherwise 'masturbation free' 7-month streak (by which I mean I didn't masturbate to orgasm, though by definition self-fondling is masturbation which I catch myself doing unconsciously to this day when I'm alone).

Ever since my libido decreased and I stopped masturbating, my fantasies have gotten more intense and my desire to use porn, especially cp, has increased dramatically. Before I quit masturbating, my desire for cp and child model pics was much weaker because I allowed my urges and fantasies to be satisfied by illustrated porn which was somewhat less arousing, but still very satisfying to me. The miracle to me is that after all this time I still haven't returned to looking at the kind of things I used to search for (or worse). The horrible downside is that I'm now all but positive that I'm not safe to be alone with small girls.

I plan to discuss this with my psychiatrist and my ecclesiastical leader. I'm thinking that one alternative to chemical castration might be to ask my wife whether she'd take testosterone or something to increase her libido. Being clean from masturbation for so long is something I never remember experiencing, even as a toddler, and being mostly free of the influence of pornography (except for the titillating PG13-ish things I enjoy now), is something I've only experienced once before in my life since I was about 13. Now with the advantage of having sex somewhat regularly with my wife, I'm enjoying an unprecedented period of control over my impulses as long as I don't spend much time around girls of my preferred age range. Again, though, my fantasies and desire for more deviant pornography have become far more intense and my control in isolated company with girls is far more unstable. I'm hoping that increased frequency of sex with my wife might help this (currently we have sex about once every 10 days). If not then I might try chemical castration as you did, but, honestly, if my experience with citalopram is any indicator, I don't think it will do anything to stop my fantasies.

It seems to me that my desire for sexual gratification, even if orgasm is impossible, can't be stopped, only dealt with and hopefully satisfied via acceptable means.

As a side note: I also have a plushie that really helps me feel better when I'm sad or lonely or otherwise unbearably horny without any chance of relief. I hand-sewed and stuffed this plushie myself actually, and have used it as I've been trying to create a tulpa for a companion. This plushie, and especially my tulpa, have helped a great deal in maintaining my clean streak by giving me something to rely on whenever I'm depressed.

S3 wrote:Hi Pig. I really found your posts here very informative and helpful.

Hi S3. It's so nice to hear that I've been helpful and informative. Thanks for your reply. It's always so exciting to get replies.

I seem to be quite a unique case here, because I haven't yet seen another chemically castrated guy here. (I think I can say I'm now chemically castrated).

S3 wrote:I plan to discuss this with my psychiatrist and my ecclesiastical leader. I'm thinking that one alternative to chemical castration might be to ask my wife whether she'd take testosterone or something to increase her libido. Being clean from masturbation for so long is something I never remember experiencing, even as a toddler, and being mostly free of the influence of pornography (except for the titillating PG13-ish things I enjoy now), is something I've only experienced once before in my life since I was about 13. Now with the advantage of having sex somewhat regularly with my wife, I'm enjoying an unprecedented period of control over my impulses as long as I don't spend much time around girls of my preferred age range. Again, though, my fantasies and desire for more deviant pornography have become far more intense and my control in isolated company with girls is far more unstable. I'm hoping that increased frequency of sex with my wife might help this (currently we have sex about once every 10 days). If not then I might try chemical castration as you did, but, honestly, if my experience with citalopram is any indicator, I don't think it will do anything to stop my fantasies.

Chemical castration has it's pros and cons. I think one of the pros for me is that I don't produce all kinds of (useless to me) liquids anymore (sperm, prostate liquids). Okay, just a little clear liquid comes some time later after an orgasm, but very little. No white/gray liquid (sperm) at all. This is nice because I don't have to feel the pressure of the liquids. I don't have to feel the liquids inside me. I can remember when I didn't have any medication and restrained from ejaculation for a week, I felt somewhat unpleasant pressure down there and ejaculating was even somewhat painful. I don't want to return to that. I don't need sperm or other liquids for anything.

I think you should also discuss with you wife and visit (for example with you wife) a doctor who could help you both to choose the most suitable option for both of you. I don't know so much about how a woman works but I think hormones (estrogen, testosterone) can affect your wife's libido too. You should discuss with someone who is an expert in these kinds of issues. I would not recommend chemical castration for you, because you're so lucky that you've got a partner. Living with low testosterone is not necessarily so healthy in a long term. You seem to cope with your paraphilia well. But it's always possible to try chemical castration though. I think Androcur would the easiest one to start with because it's taken in pills. But as far as I know GnRH analogs (like triptorelin) are the best drugs for chemical castration.

I started using Androcur last summer. I took 50 mg every morning and 50 mg every evening just before I went to sleep. My first memories of Androcur are that I woke up in the middle of the night very sweaty and in need to pee. I shivered even somewhat violently with cold, because I really was so sweaty. My trip to bathroom was not so nice because I was shivering almost all the time. I think my body tried to clean itself from that ”poison” it had never “met” before. Sometimes I changed my clothes at night. My advice is to start with a lower dosage like 50mg/day. Another memory of Androcur is that it made me so terribly tired in my work (at 100mg/day) that I had to stop using Androcur. I don't actually like to recommend Androcur to you. I think Androcur's side effects are much worse than the side effects of GnRH analogs.

As I've said GnRH analogs are the best, but as far as I know they're usually injected and they'll affect you the time it's promised that they'll affect. The time depends on the dosage. I've two months left. I can't stop being chemically castrated until the time is over. I don't regret that I took this injection though, because I've been obsessing with this injection for about a year (since I stopped watching/possessing cp).

S3 wrote:It seems to me that my desire for sexual gratification, even if orgasm is impossible, can't be stopped, only dealt with and hopefully satisfied via acceptable means.

I also think in the same way, because this triptorelin has not (yet) affected my desire so much. The sexual desire resides in the brain. I don't know how much chemical castration can affect the desire. But the truth is that I don't think so much about sex anymore. I don't fantasize young boys all the time. I've also noticed that 11-13 yo boys in children's movies seem too little and childish. I feel like I want someone who is more like me. A preteen boy is not like me, at least not physically. This chemical castration actually helps me to see that young boys are not necessarily so sexy. I now understand better than it's totally ridiculous to even think being in any kind of relationship with a child. I long for closeness, affection and love. I think a young man would be the best for satisfying my need for those things.

I don't ever want to be in one-to-one situations with a young boy/young boys. I just want to make sure I'll never abuse a child. I do never want to abuse a child. But I still don't want to put me in any kind of dangerous situation. I don't want to burn in hell.

Thanks for your response and recommendations. I think it might be better for me to deal with my desires without chemical castration, but at the same time I'm just so tired of fighting with myself. Before I stopped masturbating and using porn I enjoyed my sexuality more, but guilt crippled me. Now I feel confident in my ability to control my urges while I'm away from children, and I'm free from guilt for the most part, but fear of offending and depression have taken guilt's place because my perceived self worth is profoundly affected by my hope to become a good father and my ability to be a friend/role model to children generally, especially those I'm attracted to for whatever reason. If my desire to act on my attractions around children could be reduced sufficiently to give me confidence in myself, that alone might be worth it to me, but, if not (which I fear is the case), at least I might not have to feel like I'm constantly on the loosing end of a lifelong battle against my impulses.

My wife has said she wouldn't like me to go through with it, but I'm currently just so unsatisfied with the only alternative I know, our love life. I realize that can be improved with effort, but even if we could have sex whenever I wanted it, I still currently doubt I'd be safe around girls (just like with chemical castration). Consequently, I seriously doubt I should raise children, and, in light of the fact that I'm unsatisfied with my love-life, I can't think of any real purpose for my sex drive except to satisfy my wife (which is hopefully possible still with chemical castration, I don't know). It seems like it would be much much easier for me to go through with it. The GnRH analogs you mentioned sound good. The only thing stopping me right now is a nagging feeling that I shouldn't give up fighting the hard way and that I should keep striving to make myself healthy enough to be a father.

It is possible you won't be attracted to your own children at all. There are pedophiles who have own children and they are not attracted to their own children in a romatic or a sexual way at all.

An example is here: http://www.virped.org/index.php/who-we-are ->"Ethan Edwards"