I am pedophile

Confessor wrote:Don't ask me to think about it, if I would I will imagine the easier answer: to rape and to kill. They don't suspect. I am weird. I am diagnosed with Asperger, so I do not look on people eyes, don't understand figurative language, don't like to interact with people. I'm used to jokes like: "Don't mess with him, he can pull a gun and kill you" But the most important of all: I have a urge for power. I want to control, like a tyrannical sadist! There is no power greater than have the knowledge, and use it without the others know what's happening. Is because of this that I like children. Because of the innocence. Because I could have sex tricking the kid, saying "it's just a game". Do not know if is worse than pedophilia, but I already thought on having sex with a mentally disabled because of this. Make sex with someone that know the meaning of it, is insipid to me.

I think you and I are poles apart, Confessor. I cannot stress that enough. I simply don't have thoughts like this. They never even enter my head, let alone form the basis of fantasies.

Forgive me, you're clearly distressed by your thoughts. On the paraphilias section we get all types of paedophiles, from those who could never even contemplate hurting a child (the majority) to (rarely) people who fantasise about raping and murdering.

Look, there are sections on this forum for Asperger's, for paraphilias, for sadism, for all sorts. I would encourage you to stick around and make the most of what the site has to offer and the broad-minded and supportive people on it. I think it's a dreadful shame that the moment the 'p' word is mentioned to psychiatrists they'd rather pick up the phone and palm you off to the police instead of tackling your calls for support responsibly. There is very little support for paedophiles.

Still, I really would like to think that you'll seek help, even if it's just here initially. Even if you lack an altruistic bent, consider it from your own perspective: these thoughts, if left to fester, will only lead to your downfall.

Confessor wrote:Sometimes people have to unburden the thoughts. And mine can't be spoken to anyone. Is hard to have all this inside me. And even if society is secure when I just think, those kind of thoughts disturb me.

I'm glad they disturb you. To be honest, I feel sick reading them. Please don't feel judged, it's a visceral reaction. You need support, so please stick around. In my experience, the ones who really care about kids stick around here. The ones with violent fantasies post a few times and then you never hear from them again. They're rare, but it's worrying.

Wow, congrats for having the courage to admit it!

If you happen to listen to podcasts, on the Savage Love Cast, Dan was talking about this very issue a few months back. He called people working through it and who don't act on it "good star pedos" or something, and that that is..courageous and a positive ( in comparison to the alternative).

Confessor wrote:

Davey wrote:my advice would be to think of the long term effects actually having sex with a child

Don't ask me to think about it, if I would I will imagine the easier answer: to rape and to kill.

Well friend killing a child is actually worse as you would put their brothers and sisters and mums and dads and all their friends and family through a traumatic experience which they would never forget.

Please read all of this post Confessor I see you have aspergers as do I and I can tell you I used to misunderstand myself and the world like I think you do right now but over the years I learnt things that helped me understand myself and the world much better.

First off I know any person could have feelings for children if they shaped their thoughts to allow it but we are not stuck with the feelings we have otherwise anyone who loved and/or dated other people while at school would still have feelings for schoolchildren. Instead people grow up and change and feelings also change over time because they are shaped by our thoughts and opinions. Feelings are not some mystical all powerful sign of truth like many smart but dumb people think.

The problem with the unknowing people that view their feelings as factual is that they stop looking for contradictory information or any additional information at all as soon as they feel a feeling and that leads them away from reality and the actual truth. Wise people instead look for facts to support their view and this is what stops them from making childish, retarded or unethical mistakes.

Your not a pedophile if you don't want to be its your brain and you can choose what goes into it and choose to reject any feeling of attraction to children as a #######4 random thought.

Let me give you a second piece of advice from one person with aspergers to another:

You are not stuck as the person you are, you can change because the brain is adaptable. If I were you I would get back to the drawing board and decide on a respectable person to be. Just because you have aspergers does not mean you can not be a leader or a popular person you can be whoever you want to be. We can all change as we wish. You can drop all your faults and become a great person. You can have knowledge that other adults don't have. You can get all the information you need from the internet if you google the right questions. Listen to lots of music that helps too. It takes years and a lot of hard work to change but you can overwrite your past and present and become rich, wise, powerful, whatever you want to be.

There are hundreds of books about changing who you are 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy For Dummies' is a good one for people with high IQ's one I think would help you and you don't need to speak to anyone about anything to use it to change yourself like millions of other people have already done.

I hope you will at least give this a try because as you say you are depressed because of your conflict and I hope I have shown you above a new viable option to resolving that said conflict.

As shallow as society is, I refuse to take their word on anything involving labels. So, no, I don't think you are a monster. There are just problems underneath that are causing this to manifest. Just because our uneducated society shies away or makes fun of the topic, doesn't make you a horrible person.

Also, it must have taken a lot of courage writing this. So, good job. It always feels good when you let out a secret you've been holding in for far too long. Don't give up. You aren't a monster. Things will get better

Patrickcon wrote:
well I do actually call the local police quite often and tell them about trouble in the neighborhood but I don't get any compensation for it.

I wish I could be a police officer but I think my history of drug abuse and hospitalizations and arrests would put a damper on that venture.

so you're a fawning cop lover in addition to being a state worshipper. too bad you're on the lowest tier of the hierarchy (like renfield in dracula).

Little Boy Lost wrote:

Patrickcon wrote:
well I do actually call the local police quite often and tell them about trouble in the neighborhood but I don't get any compensation for it.

I wish I could be a police officer but I think my history of drug abuse and hospitalizations and arrests would put a damper on that venture.

so you're a fawning cop lover in addition to being a state worshipper. too bad you're on the lowest tier of the hierarchy (like renfield in dracula).

I'm fawning so hard right now oh baby I have a shrine for all my favorite police officers too oh yeah. suck a dick!

Were we not all children once ourselves too?
People forget it, as if they were never one.
An adult is just a child gone through X number of days.

I have empathy for pedophiles, mainly because it shows a real longing for something that is missing. Something that they never received themselves as children.
I think some people are pedophiles for different reasons. Some look to actually hurt children while others only want to live out feelings and fantasy that replicate what they felt during their youth, or lack there of (Micheal Jackson).

I'm not a pedophile myself, but these are just some ideas I think may be pretty accurate.

I've had the same problems since I was 14. I have ADD, Manic Bi-Polar, Scitzo, Depression and Parkinson's. I still don't know what started the fascination with young girls. I like looking at them but I don't touch. I've gone to the mall or amusement park on the weekends and look at the hot girls then go home and jerk off to them.

I have tried to get help for this. When I was first diagnosed with ADD, my mom asked my shrink about it and he said that it was normal with someone with my problems. But he told her to watch over me and make sure I don't "cross the line".

I'm 39 yrs old and I still live with my mom, I kicked my dad out of my life 12 yrs ago He was very abusive physically and mentally. I don't go out to the malls or parks anymore mainly because I don't have a car and I haven't had a job in 6 yrs. The thing that gets me by everyday is try to keep my mind busy with other stuff.

Any suggestions?

kdb. Maybe you could try to get a job and not do anything immoral at the same time. Keep your mind busy on work and whatever your keeping your mind busy with now. You obviously know not to 'cross the line' so you could easily set that line at a level where purposefully doing anything at all pedophillic is 'crossing the line.'

I think a lot of people are scared by their feelings, scared into not living an open and honest life. It seems irrational to me that they would not use other peoples opinions to help normalize their thoughts and ignore feelings that are logically out of place in the modern world. Feelings and urges are not facts we can just ignore them and they go away eventually.

If your not currently doing anything society thinks of as wrong then there is no reason you can't fit in with society well enough to live an open and honest life. Just don't expect to be able to win the full trust of all people after the things you've done. You can have a place in society but a lot of people will not see you as an equal you will have to listen to these people and act like a submissive student around them so they can feel comfortable around you and not find themselves hating you. You can still have equal basic rights just not equal respect or trust from everybody all the time Its not so bad really when you get used to its just the way some people are. Accept that and you can make genuine friendships with kinder more forgiving people and move on with your life. The only real damage you've done is in your own head to yourself so you should not be scared to be open and honest. Stay 100% honest to fight your corner when people turn against you. You've had mental problems but you have not destroyed the life of anyone else you should remember that fact and remind the negative people of it the second they start being negative towards you. Admit your behavior was a mistake to them and then take on board what they have to say, be the submissive student, so they know you care about what they think. If you can convince people they are helping you just by being their normal natural selves and giving you their honest opinions, if you convince them they have nothing to worry about and smile a lot you can keep them off edge and they won't hate you or make you miserable. Being accepted despite having mental problems is about taking the lead when problems with other people start so they don't become bigger problems and use other kinder and more respected people you've already been open and honest with to come in on your side and help explain to more inexperienced or irrational people why they should not hate you. Of course there will be some people you can not win over immediately even with the help of others but as long as you have the majority of people on your side you should know your in the right and eventually they will accept you even if it takes a long time.

If you just do what it takes for someones like you to fit into society then you can have a job and it won't make you miserable. Get morally in tune with the world and stay morally in tune with the world. Stay open and honest and fight your corner when need be. Accept your feelings are not facts, accept that you can change and that you can live a normal enough life and then its possible.

Thanks for the kind words. By the way, I haven't seen this answer anywhere on here. But what does "Triggering" mean??? I see it all over this section.

Thanks

KDB