My story and experiences **POSSIBLE TRIGGER**

Hello I am new to these forums and figured I'd introduce myself and tell my story. First off I have to say that I would what most people would call a pedophile by the classic definition. I have looked at child pornography and masturbated to it, am attracted to children from infants up to around 12 or 13. I am attracted to both boys and girls however a lot of times I lean more towards boys but for some reason if a boy has an uncircumcised penis that turns me off a lot. When it comes to adults I am more interested in women than men but I do consider myself bisexual.

It all started when I was rather young, probably about 5 or 6, when I did the typical "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" with other boys. This eventually let to a little bit of touching but no more than that. When I was about 12 or 13 I met an older boy who was 14 and he got me playing games of Truth or Dare. Where the dares would start off tame and lead into touching and oral and we even tried anal once when him putting it in me but it hurt and I asked him not to do it again. Well after that I caught the bug for sex and since boys were easier to get at I began being sexual with almost all of my male friends and would seek out younger boys and play Truth or Dare with them.

When I was 14 I had a 7 year old neighbor boy as a friend and we were in his room naked playing around because he said is mother was away. Well she wasn't and she burst in the door and I got into some minor legal trouble. Well after that I decided to shy away from trying to be with actual children and instead discovered child pornography online and was instantly interested in it.

About the time I was in high school a friend taught me about a chat program where you can download files like movies and MP3s and I found there were places there with chatrooms for pedophiles. I began spending a lot of time in there chatting with other pedophiles and my favorite thing to do was to take someone who said they had kids but hadn't done anything and coach them through doing it while they described it. I would do this at home and at work usually masturbating while I did. At one point I even wrote a few child erotica stories and posted them online and chatted with a few of my fans.

While this was going on I did fantasize about being with kids but in a realistic manner like babysitting them or in a pure fantasy like I can stop time and have my way with one. The closest I ever got to this was at one point when I was unemployed after college I was looking for babysitting work however nothing came of it and I would up meeting a girl my age that would become my girlfriend for a few years while we babysat her cousins. Again I never touched them but I did fantasize about them quite a bit.

Now I did find when I was getting sex on a fairly regular basis that my interest in children and child porn went down. When I lost my virginity at 18 I didn't think about that or look at it for weeks but the fact I had to move away from her left a gap in my sex life so I eventually turned back to it. And with my 2nd girl the sex with her got worse over time so I used the chatting and porn to give me a thrill and get better orgasms.

I also did not only chat with pedophiles I also talked a lot with of age women usually in an attempt to get them to let me see them naked and I sent out pictures of my penis and showed it on webcam quite a few times and did have some success a few times.

There were a few times when I was discovered with my porn either by family or friends and I'd either make up a lie about how I got it (mainly to my parents) or recently we'd have an intervention and I'd say I'd stop. The problem I found is I had a lot of stress in my life. I had one job end because the company got bought out then another job ended after I got fired and accused of pirating files This led to a ton of stress and I found that chatting and looking at pictures helped relieve it. When I was at my new job and had a company laptop I felt like I had so much freedom and I began chatting with a guy who said he was from Delaware and had a 6 year old son and a 7 year old daughter and he got off on watching men with them. He asked if I'd be interested and I have to say I was. However I asked the guy for proof or pictures but he refused. At one point to get the guy to ease up a bit I gave him some links to child porn pictures online that someone had posted in a room. Well that job unfortunately ended because I wasn't able to get a security clearance because my credit sucks.

A few weeks after I was laying in bed and about 6:00am there's a loud bang on my door and I see lights and hear "police, search warrant!" I didn't know what it was about until they searched the computers and showed me the warrant and it turns out Mr. Delaware was a cop. They took my laptop, iPhone, a laptop I gave to someone as a gift, my thumb drive, my portable HDD with my MP3 collection and an old desktop I hadn't used in years as well as two broken computers that weren't mine. They said it would take them 5 or 6 months to search everything. Now I'm not too worried because I had deleted everything off all the computers and phones but I know how good they can search so I hired a lawyer.

I have also begun seeing a therapist but I've only had one session so far. Unfortunately I lost another job because of the clearance issue so I can't afford to go see them. So now with all this stress building up I'm having the temptation to look at pictures or chat again. Probably one of my biggest vices was going to picture sharing websites and looking and people's family photos of their kid or baby naked or in the bath and masturbate to those. Now I do know that the attraction to babies is nepiophiliia (sp?) and I believe I suffer from that as well as I'm attracted to them and fantasize about them.

One thing my therapist said was to avoid all porn but even though a few people have said it's not safe for me to look at regular porn I'm not sure. Regular porn has never really been a trigger for me. It would usually depend on my mood or my stress level. I know this was a long post but I had a lot to say and I welcome your help and your advice.

I am just worried about getting back into it.

Hi, I think you should find a legal outlet for your desires. You don't need child porn trust me. With enough mental conditioning you can get off by fictional fantasies just as well or even better than by child porn. Also your stress will diminish significantly when you don't have to worry about cops. Even in most conservative countries fantasizing is still legal (then again, we haven't discovered mind reading devices so maybe it's just due to that but I digress...)

You have issues but I'm sure you can overcome them. Please stick with this forum and whenever you feel the urge to watch child porn come here and post in this thread again.

I really don't get it why it would take 5-6 months for them to search the computers... Suspicious.

When you talk about erotic stories do you mean ones involving adults? Because those never really did anything for me. If you are referring to ones involving kids those are only a trigger for me. Heck I wrote about a dozen of my own because I didn't like the ones I had read and they involved babies and rape and kidnapping.

I do have a strong desire now to look at those legal naked pictures because they are so easy to get and I know its sick but naked babies really do it for me. I know I need help.

I mean those stories involving kids. I think they are completely legal everywhere and definitely more ethical than actual child porn, which involves victims. Try to stick with them or make up fantasies of your own. It's good you admit you have this problem, I have it too but I've learned to live with but I guess one part of me is still learning. Try to focus on things that make you happy, like hobbies. This gets your thoughts away from getting sexual release and you can lead more balanced life. Good luck.

Welcome PyroPlasm.

I have to ask, as this is a support forum, what kind of support are you looking for? As one paedophile to another, I can't help but mention that I'm quite disturbed by one particular aspect of your post. You say you coached guys into abusing their children, and yet I detect no remorse. It seems to me (and please forgive me if I'm wrong, but we all read anonymous text differently) that the only regrets you have are getting caught and reducing the possibility of further trouble down the line.

I would encourage you to stick around. This is a very open and supportive environment for people with all different backgrounds and problems. I do hope, though, that you're not just here so that you can say to a judge in a few months' time: 'look, I couldn't afford therapy but I've been posting online - that proves my remorse'.

Maybe I'm way off the mark, but this is one case where I'd be really happy to be told I'm wrong.

If children were abused I feel bad now. But the nature of chat I always figured they were fake as I had no proof. I am kinda glad I got caught as I was able to face my problems. I can try pedo stories but I worry about triggering.

You wrote that all up in a really organized and mature way. Sounds like you have some peace with yourself even if you're not too sure what's coming in the future. Thanks for being so honest and candid, it makes it very easy to empathize with you.

-- Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:01 pm --

PyroPlasm wrote:If children were abused I feel bad now. But the nature of chat I always figured they were fake as I had no proof. I am kinda glad I got caught as I was able to face my problems. I can try pedo stories but I worry about triggering.

Looks like the poster above you got triggered by some part of your story and you're reacting to that; what that poster also wrote which might be cool to get a response from you on was:

What kind of support are you hoping to get out of joining psychforums?

To talk with people that have the same problems as me and are going through the same struggles. Talking to a therapist is great and I will do that but I find I get the best advice from people who live it and won't ridicule me, for example, for being attracted to babies. It's help I can use alongside therapt to keep me grounded and out of trouble. Plus day or night I know I can post if I feel temptations. Also I figure my experiences can help others.

In answer to why the search would take so long. They have a backlog and it will take them that long to get to it.