Hello! New here!

Hello!

I´m a 21-year old girl who has quite recently discovered that I´m probably a pedophile. At first I thought it was OCD but now I´m quite sure I´m attracted to children. I´ve quite accepted it even though it has been really hard. I´ll tell you that I´ve never ever done something to a child and I´m not planning it either. In fact I can´t watch children cry or when they get sad or when someone is bad to them because it hurts me so much inside. I´ve never looked at CP or something like that either. But I have masturbated to the thoughts of kids and orgasmed. However I can´t really imagine having sex with a kid.

What I´m struggling now with is that I feel the need to tell my parents about this, especially my dad. Since my acceptance the attraction seem to have gone down alot, but the need to confess is now big. But as you know, pedophiles are generally hated in this world and I´m scared they will reject me. For some reason though, I don´t think the need to tell my dad would be so strong if he didn´t hate pedophiles that much and that it´s the anxiety making me feel the need. Because I have a feeling that my mom would be more understanding but I don´t really feel the need to tell her. This is making me believe that there´s some OCD involved also but I don´t know. I´m scared that if I tell them then I will feel the need to tell everyone else too.

I am an anxious person in general and have always been very shy and a loner. I´ve found out that I have difficulties with being friends with people my own age and I´ve felt that since my early teenage years. I don´t really feel like an adult to be honest and I can´t say I want to grow up. I think that this may be a reason for my minor attraction, I´m longing to be like them and don´t have the need to be in a certain way. I suspect that I might have Aspergers syndrome but I don´t know.

What do you think, should I tell my parents about this? I´m just so scared that I will feel the need to tell everybody else too because I want my consciense to be pure. I don´t know who to talk to about this except this forum because I´m afraid that therapists will contact the police if I talk to them.

Well this was all for now. Cheers

Don't be so quick to label yourself a paedophile. This sounds like OCD. It can make you orgasm over anything sexual in nature, and the fact you said you can't imagine having sex with a child seems to sound like OCD to me.
The need to confess is also part of POCD, believe me, I've had it for years. Are you attracted to those your own age?
Obviously we can't diagnose you, but from what you say I would be wary of labelling you a paedophile. OCD can warp your mind drastically, and make you believe things to be true that are not.

Thanks for replying!

No, I don´t feel attracted to people around my age. I don´t really like being around them at all because of the reasons I mentioned in the earlier post. But before I´ve felt slightly attracted to both sexes. I don´t remember much of my childhood and early teenage years but as a child I only felt attracted to boys, then during puberty I got interested in checking out my female friends in the lockerrooms. Don´t remember being aroused by pre pubescent bodies then. I have always had a slight attraction to the female body because I think it´s beautiful, but I don´t know if I could fall in love with a woman. I have always thought that I was attracted to guys but I´m sure now that I´m not because I sometimes find them repulsive (adult ones).

It feels natural to masturbate to kids but I feel guilty afterwards, and imagining kids naked don´t get me as excited as kis with clothes on which I think is strange.

I don´t know, my sexuality seems to change. I don´t think I´m asexual because I do get the urge to masturbate.

When you´ve felt the urge to confess, did you ever do it? It feels like my head is being pressed together because of this urge.

Yep, it's a typical OCD compulsion. If you give into it however, and do confess, you will be fuelling your condition. Once the relief from confessing has passed, your OCD will find a new thing you need to 'confess'. So as hard as it is, try to let it go and do not confess if it is OCD-driven.
In terms of your sexuality, it's a tricky one. It does sound like its very fluid. Paedophilia is defined generally as a strong sexual attraction to children, which I'm not sure you have? I only say that because you seem to have attractions elsewhere. I think you should relax though and let your sexuality naturally develop and settle. You're still quite young. Are you getting therapy for your OCD? How did that come about with regards to the paedophilia?

No I haven´t sought help for OCD because I don´t think it is. I feel relieved when I call my self pedo, because it gives me a feeling of having an identity and independency which gives me self confidence. It´s like "Oh I´ve finally found myself so now I´m independent and can start a new life on my own". But sometimes it makes me feel like a total alien too because I´m so different from many other people. There are many people here who know they are pedophiles (is there a difference between paedophile and pedophile btw?) and still feel guilty for masturbating to kids and for having attractions to kids.

One thing which makes me think I´m a pedo is that when I am around kids, if I don´t feel some kind of reaction I get this feeling of frustration like "Why don´t I feel something now?" which makes me scared because what if this feeling will make me molest a child? Before I´ve never felt this, I´ve just thought small kids were annoying.

I´ve even started feeling this around my niece and nephew (10 and 7 years old). I really love them (not that way though) and would never do anything to hurt them. My niece who is 10 has facebook and once there was a man "liking" one of her photos and he was not her "friend". I got angry and wanted to report him, I feel very protective of them. Sometimes we take care of them because my brother and his wife work alot, last time I felt really anxious around them and don´t want to feel like this. I could barely sleep that night because my thoughts went like "I would never do anything!" or "Don´t suppress your sexuality, do it!" or "Go with your instincts, do it!" and so on. At last I managed to get some sleep. Do you think I should stay away from them? They really like me too and we do have really fun together.

Defining your sexuality is your own choice, and what you feel comfortable with, so if it feels right to call yourself a paedophile then that's ok.
Your urge to confess and the anxiety around the kids, however, does sound very much like OCD, so it might be worth getting help for that.
This isn't something you should feel excessive guilt for, although acknowledging that acting on the attraction is wrong is a good thing.

Hi there, probablypedo.

I understand the need to let out your secret, and I suppose doing so on an Internet forum like this can help, but there's something nice about confessing it to people who actually know you in real life. In my experience, though, it sometimes elicits a negative reaction. My mother discovered one of my sexual oddities (not pedophilia) when I was 14, and it resulted in a two-hour-long sobbing/crying fit, saying stuff like she wished I were gay instead, that my life was a lie, and that she thought she knew me so well.

So, I wouldn't recommend telling your parents. But I also recognize that everyone is different, and so people will react in different ways. Obviously, I don't know anything about your parents, so maybe they wouldn't react in such a harsh way. The way my mother reacted (along with concurrent events in my life) threw me into a horrific depression, which ultimately culminated in my nearly attempting suicide. Things are better now, but I'll never forget how horrible everything was back then.

But I have to admit, your story interests me a lot. I feel like I can really relate to you. I'm an 18-year-old male, and I suffer from social anxiety disorder, and as a result, I've never felt OK around other people. I have had a very difficult time with making friends, and I really only have one close friend today. I, too, am not interested in people on a sexual level, although I think having a girlfriend would be nice. There's just something about sex that grosses me out. And many people have suspected that I have Asperger Syndrome, as well. So, I empathize with you on the shyness, anxiety, loner qualities that you say you have.

Please don't listen to your thoughts when they tell you to "go with your instincts" and "do it." Humans are rational; typically, we understand and perceive reality, and we analyze this reality and determine what is in our best interest and what is in the best interest of those around us; we harmonize these interests and attempt to make the best decision for the long-term. Molesting your niece and/or nephew would result in short-term pleasure, possibly (depending on whether you're a pedophile). However, in the long-term, your nieces and nephews would like be permanently damaged/scarred, and if they ever told anyone about this, you could be placed in a prison cell. To me, the risks and long-term harm associated with molestation overpower any short-term pleasure. So, I urge you, if you're experiencing thoughts like that, control your impulses!

Hello "Half a person"!

How is your relationship with your mom now? I read your posts on this forum and we do seem to have alot in common. I don´t think this would be so bad if I wasn´t very anxious in general. I want to avoid triggers but I know I can´t do that. Sometimes this forum triggers me too so I don´t think I should read too much here either. The thing is, if I don´t think "I´m a pedophile" or something like that, I feel almost apathic sometime. It´s like it gives me strength but at the same time it makes me really sad.

And like I said before, I would NEVER, EVER hurt a child, I just want people to understand that. If I do it then I´ll never forgive myself.