Potentially Triggering - I'm a Developing Sexual Sadist.

[myflash=]My life has become slightly more interesting over the past year. Repressed desires and fantasies that I've had since early childhood have finally found themselves unleashed and laid bare within the framework of reality. The cognitive dissonance that used to plague my mind is slowly being abolished, and my sadistic nature is growing exponentially braver every day - an experience that is as thrilling as it is frightening. Not only am I becoming more honest with my sadistic desires, but I am also beginning to develop deeper, stronger, more violent sexual preferences. I suppose, having expressed a bit about myself as I am now, that I should express a bit about my childhood as well. I don't really know why I feel like posting this. Perhaps I seek validation? Perhaps I am unsure of what I am? Perhaps I feel as though I'm dangerous? I am undoubtably unstable, but is that a legitimate concern? I have no clue.

As a child (I am male) I was molested and abused orally twice, at around the ages of 5 and 13, by two different men. Needless to say, I have often wondered if this abuse is the cause of my sadistic nature. As a child, after the abuse, I remember getting pleasure from hurting small animals (reptiles, amphibians, dogs, insects) in a non-sexual fashion. I remember doing much more than pulling the legs off bugs - I truly tortured the insects and amphibians in ways that are definitely atrocious. I do believe that I should not have harmed these animals, but I don't really regret doing it. As for the dogs, I enjoyed psychologically dominating the family pets through intimidation, fear and emotional confusion. However, harming them physically was only done to train them legitimately, and for no other reason, and I was always proper and correct with my punishments. Perhaps these actions were simply the acts of a normal child? I'm not certain.

As for obtaining pleasure from sadism in a sexual sense, as a child. I vividly remember the first time I received am erection from seeing a creature in pain. It was in a movie when the protagonist received an injury while trying to escape from the human's birdcage. Keeping in mind that I am not a zoophile or a 'furry', what truly caused me to become sexual excited from seeing this character in pain was her vulnerability, a key aspect of her character that was portrayed throughout the entire film. Her goodness, kindness, warm-hearted nature, fear, weakness and femininity all wove together into a perfect thing to hurt. A perfect thing to break. A perfect thing to own.

I also remember masturbating to raping and hurting females that I had crushes on, when I had first learned to masturbate (around the age of 13). I typically fell for quiet and sweet girls with calm and shy demeanors. There is something about this type of female that has always pulled me in hard.


In any case, as of now I am dating a masochist. This has been the source of my current trepidation and fulfillment. She has enjoyed everything I've done with her physically, which has been light yet satisfying, but I am finding myself wanting more...especially psychologically. She is frail, afraid and vulnerable - she is alone and she has come to need me. The amount of control I have over her is truly astonishing. I own almost everything she is, and I enjoy this. However, I have started systematically lying to her, in a guided attempt to own even more of her. I have also started to become somewhat abusive (psychologically) with attacks that make it seem as though she's the one with the issue and I'm the person that she must hold onto to become better...the person she must seek forgiveness from to correct her improper behavior.

Every time I gain a little bit more of her, I become so satisfied. I want to do so many terrible things to her - things that I know I could get sway with...but I will not. The part of my mind that loves her will not allow me this pleasure. I feel somewhat split, somewhat conflicted. Who am I? What am I? I could hurt her so why don't I? Why would I hurt someone so wonderful? Is life worth living so properly? And I have no answers. I just remain confused...an aspect of myself that I have become far too accustomed with.

I am not afraid of myself, but at the same time I realize I'm dangerous. I both love this and worry about how I love this. I don't know which part of me will win, but this is all very interesting. [/myflash]

First , its wonderful u can determine everything precisely , i think you have to forgive those two men who are thought to be the reason of your strange feeling , forgive will induce a very positive power , then , as your sadistic nature is gain from life experience so it can be lot also , yes completely lost through life experience but you must work on that , GOD 'd help you get rid of such violence , i believe he will.

I don't believe in God. I also don't believe in freely giving forgiveness to those who do not deserve it.

So, my friend , i feel i've touched the point , i can't force you to believe in GOD although he already exists and felling your pain, but i think forgiveness is not for their sake , it' for your own , you are strong when you forgive ,and when you forgive , you will forget , and such complications will have l effect on you , can u c , the benefit is yours , you r the one to gain the fruits of forgiveness not them , actually you don't have to inform anyone with that , its your own issue and forgiveness is a feeling of purity deep inside, i think this could help solving from the roots of the problem , sorry for spelling and language mistakes

i have to agree with pedo_normal, forgiveness really could help. I have some sadism but its fairly... relaxed? when i was a child my dad married this woman, she wasn't fair about anything. she treated her kids well, let them get out and do things, while keeping us, my brother & i, at home and doing nothing, she even put my brother in the corner and took evrything but a bed from him. i hated her and i thing that may have contributed to my 'vampirism'. She even knew about my mom dying 6 years ago and told no one. we couldnt even go to her funeral. i found my family on my moms side a year ago. its difficult to forgive her but i try.

I'm glad you don't believe in God. Nether do I. The guilt and other conflicts you might feel from that unnecessary burden of conscience would only complicate matters.

OK, here's my take on hat you've said. You were hurt when you were young, your confidences in older male figures damaged, and you're still angry about this--ergo, the "won't forgive" comment you made. So I believe that you're acting out of several impulses here. The first being, obviously, anger.

The second though, many be more complex. What you are "enjoying" with your current friend is, I believe, a means to retroactively control and master the feelings of helplessness and degradation that you felt when you were abused. You are plainly abusing this person--nothing to be proud of nor "enjoy", really, when you think of the fact that you yourself were once in that position--but I believe that you may be putting yourself in the role of the aggressor/abuser in order to try to assume the position of power that you feared when you were young. It may be your way of feeling empowered at this stage of your life?

There is also most likely a powerful subtext of either shame or guilt going on beneath all of this, and a recognition that what you are doing is not "nice" (for lack of a better word?) to this girl who trusts you. After all, you sound like an intelligent person--too smart, I believe, to deceive yourself into believing that where you're going can have anything but disastrous consequences for your girlfriend (and possibly you yourself?). You claim to "Love" this girl? Yet you lie to her, hurt her, and somewhere you must be torn between asking yourself why you have to hurt someone you love to satisfy both yourself and her?

It's also VERY significant that you state "I have also started to become somewhat abusive (psychologically) with attacks that make it seem as though she's the one with the issue and I'm the person that she must hold onto to become better..." Deep down inside yourself, I believe that you are even further damaging your self-esteem, and you are now trying to convince your girlfriend that she should be the one to hold onto you--ask yourself why you would do that? I suspect that it is because you are actually desperately afraid that she WILL leave you because you KNOW that what you are doing is hurtful to this creature who loves you and trusts you.

"Love" makes you vulnerable. And that's SCARY! Your sadism is a mask for your fear; a way to master it, to control it. You hurt her because you're hurting inside, and you are afraid that when she sees you for the way you see yourself in the mirror, she will leave you, and you can't handle that, perhaps? So you're psychologically abusing her, destroying what "love" you have because your're really too afraid to love without fear, to accept the possibility of pain, of loss, of being alone.

Dude--counseling is the only way to figure yourself out and oust your anger and fear. I think that if you don't get help for this, you are inevitably headed for a life of misery and possibly incarceration. Society does not look lightly upon sexual sadists. If you're smart and honest enough with yourself to know that you have a problem with this, be brave and courageous enough to dig it up and out of yourself.

just out of curiosity - why did post this? do you want answers abotu your disorder? do you want advice about how to go forward with it? or are you just talking?

anyway, have you ever considered that you might have anti-social personality disorder? your speech patterns, distant self-analysis, and expressions of a lack of remorse all suggest it to me. also, a lot of ASPD people are pretty intelligent, which you seem to be, and have a pretty strong inclination towards atheism... its just a thought. google it, go to that section of this forum (it under the "Personality" tab), see if ti fits... obviously no one here can offer a diagnosis, but its somethig to think about, in my opinion.

i would not be worried abotu your sexual sadism so much. it is an incredibly common paraphilia and, in fact, is not very much frowned upon, so long as everythign remains safe, sane and consensual - ie, both parties want it and no one gets debilitatingly injured. Many people are in relationshps with EXTREME amounts of sadism and masochism being expressed, and many BDSM practitioners will, at one point or another, become involved in a total Dom-sub relationship, in whicxh the dominant partner dictates EVERYTHING in hew relationship and the submissive has no say whatsoever. even if your sadistic impulses grow, as long as you remain intelligent and sane about the whole deal, it can be entirely apporpriate. i hope your abel to healthily and fully explore that side of yourself with your girlfriend. you might want to post in our BDSM forum if you want more information, although it isnt too often visited...

i hope this helped
Svid