Worried

I guess you guys, who are here here quite long, already heard dosens of similar thing so, you don't need to answer. I just want to share my story and worries, because there ain't a lot of people to talk to.

As long as I can remember, I used to hang out with younger kids but I guess that wasn't apparent when I was a kid myself. However, when I was around seventeen, some kids from neighbourhood started to hang out with me. It's not that I tried to, they came to me and I was at unease at first because, though I wanted to hang out with them, I felt uneasy because I was worried about reactions because my place is conservative. Eventually, me with kids became usual sight. These kids were some 5, 6 years younger than me.
The problem was that I got aroused when they were physicaly to close. No, I didn't like that, and I did not fantasize about anything. However, if few days passed, and I wasn't with the kids, I would imagine them while masturbating. This imagination did not include me at all and were not rally sexual. It was just them doing things they normaly do and I found those images very pleasing, soothing, so to say because I had very little frineds or peer acceptance at that time and I was lonely. This fantasies made those kids feel closer.
But I would get aroused from time to time, if they hugged me or so so I used to push them away.

I am still frineds with them thoug they are practicly grown ups now. But, when they got older I wanted some other kid to hang out with and I found one. This time, I was 22 and the kid 9. We got along very well and luckily, this time, I was not so obsessed. No physical recations present. But still, if time passes, I search or pictures of children. Not all the time, but it hits me and those fantasies in masturbation occur. I don't do it so often, and I still don't like.

I don't think I am a pedohpile, but I am also quite aware of the fact I am not fully normal. I find fantasy about any kind of sexual activity in which I am involved as turn off. I would't do anything to kids because I love them and respect them as person. But I can't endure being too long without them.

The thing is, if I were a woman, I probably wouldn't have this worries but being a man, who is not interested in sex and hence, does not have a girlfriend (I would like to have romantic relationship with one but not sexual) and is around kids...you know, people might get suspicious. Hell, even I am. The current social paradigm says: if you are a male, you can only love your kids, and you're not to have business with anybody elses. The truth is, I will have difficult time finding a platonic realtionship with a girl, and I don't believe I will have my own kids, both of which makes me really sad.

Hope this helps someone, or someone helps me in a sort. And I am sorry for writing so much, I never told anyone my true worries....

I'm sorry you're going through this, it does sound rough. I don't know what advice I can give you, other than that I am sure you aren't alone. Obviously you know the boundaries, and I would be very wary of allowing yourself to get close to any child, as you never know you're desires may get the best of you.
Have you sought help from a therapist? I also suggest going out and trying to mingle with people your own age. Hope this helps, and please don't do anything that could harm anyone. It's not worth the pain for that child or what will happen to you as a result.

@Elfie

Thank you for your concern and reply. The kids I talk about have grown, no harm was done, they turned out good and I am proud of them. We still hang out, age difference became irrelevant now because none of us is minor anymore (except the last one I mentioned but he was 9 when we met and now is 17, I am 29)

However, I am concerned because - I think of kids often, I notice them all the time and I look at the pictures. These pictures are not CP, I never watched that. I liked to hug kids (never forcefuly), but that was it, I never did anything more. Maybe I became paranoid because nowdays you can't do that and you immediately become suspicious. And I was suspicious, people were worried because of me hanging out with their kids. Now they thank me - ''you were so important to them, you were a great role model and so on...'' And I am worried because this can get me to trouble, under suspicion. I never did anything illegal. I would like to be around children because I was good at that but I am worried and paranoid that I might be suspected, shuned or something.

I was paranoid about being a pedophile for over 15 year even though I never did anything. Should I still be worried? In the begining, (so looong ago) there were urges and everything, but I was 14 years old and I never got past that time, never forgave myself for feeling those things. And I still worry, did I just repress that, will it come out some day, will it burst if I come under extreme stress or if I end up lonely.... Paradoxicaly, befriending children at that time did not made those feeling more intense and dangerous, it dimnished them.

Hmmm, that's a tricky one. I'm not a psychologist so it would be wrong of me or anyone else to 'diagnose' you. Can I ask, are you sexually/romantically attracted to people your own age?
You were 14 when those sexual thoughts came to the forefront, it could have been a hormonal phase sexuality-wise. Or it could be that you relate to kids more emotionally. The fact it, a decent therapist will not judge you for this. Thousands of men suffer from similar problems. What I do know is that you certainly need to speak to someone about this to work out what's going on in your head so you can have happy healthy relationships in the future.

Yeah, it really is tricky, it kinda bugs me from time to time. Well, when I hang out with people my age this problems seem to go away, I simply don't focus so much on myself. I am romantically attracted to people my age.

But people are very complicated to me, it seems to me that most people take unimportant thing seriously and important things, well, they don't take them seriously at all. I had problems with communication, because it seemed people my age didn't understand me well or I was borin, or both. But kids found me amusing, and I felt good because they never judged me. It got better now because I learned how to fit in. But many times, I still feel like I am acting 'cause people talk about relationships, shopping, sex and many other thing I don't understand or care about very much. I don't hold that against them though.

Well, yesterday I spoke to one of my friends (thanks to you, at least partially). He has known me for years. I presented him with this dillemas and we tlked about past and how he remebers me from that time. Yeah, he studied psychology. He told me that I might have asperger syndrome or schizoid personality disorder and that I simply found people my age to complicated to socialize with, or boring. Furtheromore, he asked me some questions and said that the biggest danger in me is that since I can't easily find my place in society, I am probably prone to labeling myself with something, even if it's negative.

He also stressed out that I should be carefull because I am odd and my interaction with kids could provoke suspicion because people still tend to think of pedophiles as oddballs, loners while most of the time they appear as perfectly normal and nice.

I might look on schizoid or asperger's topic for further information but thank you very much for lending a hand and taking a notice. Most people don't even seem to notice me....

You are welcome. And I am so glad you decided to open up to your friend, that is such a brilliant step forward. It does sound like you relate to children more mentally, and this may certainly be a result of autism, aspergers or a number of other personality disorders. I actually know a guy who is very similar in this sense...he just cannot function around other adults for very long. This is nothing to be ashamed of, we are all 'different' in our own ways. You are you and you need to accept yourself unconditionally.
It is good that you are romantically attracted to adults, it seems there could be hope there for developing a relationship. When you say romantic, do you mean sexually or in another sense? Because if you can be attracted to people your own age in a physical, romantic and sexual sense, it means you are not entirely 'regressed' into childhood in your head.
It may simply be that you need to learn to value yourself and associate with people who also do. Children may be nice to be around, but there are plenty of adults who would enjoy your company, find you amusing and look up to you as well. It may be that your mind has focused them all into one group and it has created this barrier. If your intentions are not sexual, then I see no harm in being around children. The only concern would be that it may fuel this 'need' and worsen the issue. Or it could develop into an obsession which you absolutely don't want. Children may make you feel safe...is this the case? If so, we all need to break out of our comfort zones in order to grow. Maybe this is your time to do that?

You brought up so many interesting points...

I am attracted in sense that I have kind of a crush. I might find this or that person more to my liking (bu that's normal) and this or that girl (my age) prettier. But I can't imagine myself being naked in fornt of someone, or would like someone to be nake in front of me. It just makes me feel realy uncomformtable.

No, my intentions were never sexual but I felt (and still do feel that way) that I cannot function normally without some kid being around, it's like that everything I do is pointless as it's not for anyone's benefit but my own. It's not that I need to have bunch of kids them around me all the time. When I was in period when there were bunch of kids all the time around me, I felt like I needed a break and would take it. Because, many thing worried me - sometimes they were obnoxious or did bad stuff at school and so on, and it was exhausting sometimes. Also, I worried alot because they didn't do well at school and one was especially prone to bad company so.. But I liked to worry about that, it seemed meaningfull.

So yes, I wouldn't like obsession because every obesession is one too many. I am not regressed entirely, because I didn't play with kids, I wasn't with them because I wanted to play but because I wanted to feel important. And, while I am writing this, I am beggining to realise where the guilt and worry might come from. It is that maybe I wasn't there selflesly for the kids, for their benefit, but because I wanted to feel important to someone and because I wanted somebody to need me. Yes, that's it! When a child would tell me - ''you are so good to me, better then my parents'' it would be so fulfilling, it made me feel good of myself, it would give me a boost. Offcourse, I always said ''that's nonsense, your parents love you more than anyone else in the world'' but inside, I would rejoice. I had not so good parents myself (never met my dad, and mom had a lover and didn't care about me that much). It was feeling like: ''Yes parents, you were never good but I am, and now your children love me more. You deserved it.'' I rejoiced when once, whole family came from holidays earlier because their son was bored without me around.

It wasn't about control, it was about my self image of a god given child rescuer from evils of society.... so that I could always tell myself - I helepd those children, I saved them! While, in fact, I was possibly trying to save myself, heal my childhood wounds and take revenge on parents themselves. And it was all subconcious, nothing was planned.

Conclusion is, no, I am not a pedophile but I was similiar to one because I too used children so that I could feel good about myself...I am only afraid that many parents and many people involved with children do the same but are not aware of that. And I event hink that many people have others around them, not because of others, but because of themselves or, am I deluding myself again...

Interesting! You sound like you want to be 'The Catcher in The Rye' have you ever read it? It's actually my favourite book!
I agree that many adults get enjoyment from helping/loving children and feeling good about themselves as a result. Children are so forgiving and give so much love out. The only issue for you, I think, is that you can't get the same satisfaction emotionally from an adult. That is where the problem lies. Of course it's ok to be good to children and have them enjoy your company. The only thing is, if you don't feel comfortable around adults, it may develop into a situation whereby you are sexually and romanticaaly drawn to children.
My advice would be this - accept who you are, whatever that may or may not be. Enjoy being around children as a great paternal figure, but always be aware of your feelings so you don't cross any lines. Also, try and associate with adults as much as possible as well so your own mentality can grow in line with your peers, and you may find at least a good friend who can make you as fulfilled as a child does.
Does that make sense? I do wish you the best of luck. Keep talking to your friend, you definitely need to get this off your chest and talking is great therapy.

Yeah, It's great book.

Most of friends my age are ones I know from childhood. Well, I tried to accompany my age group, and if people spend some time with me, they actually like me. But problems are that most don't have patience to deal with me because they can see I am kinda awkard. They mostly think I am smart but naive, likeable but not sociable. I noticed it when I started to work, most people simply called me ''kid'' (yes, I knew I was new and young, but not the youngest there). I get petted from superiors and it's ok but no one takes me seriously. Neither my looks help a lot, I am almost 30 but look much younger; can't even grow a damn beard to look more mature.

I presume that I don't ahve to mention the fact that, since junior high school till now, there were always those who caled me gay and worse things. That's probably because I am peacfull, kind, I don't swear, rarely drink alcohol, am polite and so on asnd have this kid like face. All forementioned, I believe, adds to the difficulties. I don't mind it that much, it just thought me certain thing, inscribed them in my experience and it's difficult to erase.