I think my friend is a pedophile. What do I say?

My friend has been in therapy since a suicide attempt this summer. He won't tell me or anybody else what it's about, but he gives us each little hints over time. For example, I know that he was diagnosed with a mental illness that can't be cured, he never wants to have children because of it, it's damning (he thinks I'm going to drop him as a friend if I find out), it's something he is rather than something he has or has done, he's never hurt anybody in relation to his problem (which implies that others with his problem could), etc... There's a few more I can't think of. Based on the questions I've asked him and the answers I've gotten, I think pedophilia is his problem.

I recognize that I could be wrong and I recognize it's not my place to think about this when he's so adamant about wanting to keep it a secret, but I'm about 90% sure this is what's up and I can't stop thinking about it now. I want to ask him if this is his diagnosis, but every other time he thought someone else figured out his secret he got very suicidal. Plus, if I'm wrong, it's going to look like my image of him is really warped and I don't think he'd be very happy with me.

For what it's worth, if this is his diagnosis I love him anyway and don't think any less of him. I'd just like to confirm my suspicions so that I'm not obsessing over this, and I also think that if someone he loves knows about it and still wants to be in his life it'll make him tremendously happier. So what do I say? Or do I not say anything?

Welcome katjab,

katjab wrote:I'd just like to confirm my suspicions so that I'm not obsessing over this

Why are you obsessing over this? A mental health diagnosis can be quite a personal matter. He may not want anybody to know. In which case, I think you should respect his wishes. As you've said, you love him anyway, so what does it matter what his diagnosis is?

katjab wrote: So what do I say? Or do I not say anything?

I would tell him that regardless of his diagnosis, you still care for him and want to be in his life. Let him know that a diagnostic label doesn't change your feelings towards him.

You could mention that you already have a suspicion of what diagnosis he has been given. But I wouldn't put pressure on him to talk about it or to admit what his diagnosis is. If he is quick to change the subject, or says that he doesn't want to discuss it, I think you should let the issue go.

It could also be that he wouldn't want children because there's an increased risk of any offspring having the same condition (e.g. schizoaffective disorder, depression, etc.). It might not be a paraphilia at all. But either way, the best thing to do is follow Platypus's advice. Though if he's dropping hints it's probably because he's desperate for some kind of shoulder to cry/lean on. Accept that it's personal and possibly difficult for him to open up about, tell him you have some ideas but are worried about offending him or having a distorted interpretation, and tell him you'll accept him regardless. Also stress that you judge people purely on their actions, not on their thoughts or feelings. That's my two cents' worth, hope it helps.

Sorry to "tag-on" like this, but I think I may have something to add.

Assuming your guess in correct, that you friend is a pedophile, I feel you may have taken a wrong guess. He may WANT to talk to you about it, very badly, but is afraid you'll reject him.

After all, you realize the stigma of this condition, and should recognize that he is probably correct in this assumption that some of his friends may leave him if he were ever to reveal such a thing.

Personally I find that it helps very much to have a friend to vent to, but nobody really wants to listen to these things. People are usually to uncomfortable, or try to change the subject, if I bring up the kind of thoughts I have from time to time... (From amongst my few friends, only one of whom I have contact with, who know that I have pedophile urges).

So if I were you, I'd confront him, don't tell him "You're a pedophile", but be clear that you'd help him and listen no matter what, EVEN if he was a pedophilia (Assuming this is true). I'd mention pedophilia specifically, as this is often the very last taboo.

Hope this helps.

-- Wed Nov 23, 2011 3:55 pm --

Sorry to "tag-on" like this, but I think I may have something to add.

Assuming your guess in correct, that you friend is a pedophile, I feel you may have taken a wrong guess. He may WANT to talk to you about it, very badly, but is afraid you'll reject him.

After all, you realize the stigma of this condition, and should recognize that he is probably correct in this assumption that some of his friends may leave him if he were ever to reveal such a thing.

Personally I find that it helps very much to have a friend to vent to, but nobody really wants to listen to these things. People are usually to uncomfortable, or try to change the subject, if I bring up the kind of thoughts I have from time to time... (From amongst my few friends, only one of whom I have contact with, who know that I have pedophile urges).

So if I were you, I'd confront him, don't tell him "You're a pedophile", but be clear that you'd help him and listen no matter what, EVEN if he was a pedophilia (Assuming this is true). I'd mention pedophilia specifically, as this is often the very last taboo.

Hope this helps.

Huh. Your guess sounds pretty good, though there are other things (schizophrenia comes to mind) that would also fit. It might not be your business, but I personally only drop hints when I'm ambivalent about telling someone - I'm a total depresso, and regularly feel like i want everyone around me to know for better or for worse, and it kills me to keep it from my close friends, but I tend to be pretty cautious about letting it get anywhere near people who know my real name.

Personally, as a pedophile myself, if I were gonna ask I'd be really blunt about it, to the point where I'd be able to back off on it as friendly ribbing if the answer came back no. "what, are you a ###$' pedo?" Of course, if they said yes, that would be grounds for a hug, and also maybe a "###$ yeah"

I mean, if you ask and he says no and gets all offended, you can point out that it seems to be a reasonable guess and you wanted to reassure him. He's probably not likely to kill himself if you guess right, unless he manages to do it before you can tell him you're okay with it - he's probably worried about others figuring it out and spreading rumors and hating him without confronting him about it.