I want to murder my boyfriend

C13H18ClNO wrote:I'm confused. Where did I say that I was unhappy in my relationship? I know it's a bit confusing as I say I want to murder him and all. I think the confusion lies in the fact that I love him and he returns my feelings but I still want to do horrible things to him despite that.

You didn't say it anywhere. However, you neither said that you are happy. i was merely covering the possibility that you might have been unhappy and that your thoughts had been born from such. Thank you for clearing it up.

And by "phase" do you mean the violent thoughts I have for him? Because that's a distinct possibility, but as far as our relationship goes, I intend to make it long term.

That's what I meant - yeah - and I still believe that it will pass as long as you don't give the thoughts too much attention and instead let them be explored naturally and at a mediocre pace. You're evidently not a dumb person and I've no doubt that you'd ever carry out your thoughts in reality.

Kevin

I kind of understand what you're going through. I've never had a romantic relationship (18 yrs. old and too many trust issues and etc.), but I do have similar fantasies to you. I imagine eating and killing my beloved (if I ever get one). The best I can suggest is using a fake knife (ones where the blade retracts once it hits something without hurting the target) and convince to play a murder game where you pretend to kill him and maybe if he allows it to actually drink his blood to add more to the illusion of the murder. I'm not sure if this will work, but I can't think of anything else besides just convincing him to let you bite into him (maybe the next, thigh, or arm area) during sex or orgasm (so he doesn't feel the pain as much). Not really chewing, but maybe biting enough to draw some blood so you can lick/taste his exposed flesh and blood?

I came across your post when attempting to look up on the internet to see if other people have the same concerning thoughts as I do, and what you have typed up here almost perfectly describes how I feel about my boyfriend. I created an account just to add to this and say that I am experiencing the same thing.

I do not even have to explain my situation as it is very similar as yours, how everyone sees me as a sweet person but I have very disturbing thoughts and very very strong desire to kill my boyfriend because I love him very much, including the detail of cannibalism being involved in the fantasies.

These thoughts and urges are so powerful and yet I constantly tell myself that it is mere fantasy and imagination and that I should not have the power to commit the acts in real life, though I still worry.

I have discussed these thoughts with my boyfriend before but I am not sure if he understands the severity of it. He says a lot that he wouldn't mind if I killed him for as long as I was physically close to him at the moment. I'm not sure if he is being serious in saying this or not.

In addition, the thought of having a stable happy family and dying old in peace really scares me and makes me feel distressed for my life. I don't know why. This is dangerous as I may feel more inclined to murder my future husband just to mess everything up as well as to feed my desires, because it would make me feel as if I have accomplished something in my life as well as avoiding the life I fear.

I do not know myself enough to validate whether I am capable of all I say or not. But yes... I am at least glad that I am not alone in this issue.

I've had very similar thoughts, but as far as eating goes, I've only wanted to drink his blood. And though I've had these thoughts about others, my fantasies mostly involve him. I understand you perfectly. I love him so much, and yet he's the one I want to kill. Logically, I know doing so would be illegal and stupid, and I'd regret it forever. But the thoughts just keep coming. Maybe I'll understand why I want this one day, but for now, I'll just have to accept that it's there, and I have to get through it. I can't lose him.

Aw hannah, i love you too. I do worry about it but youre a smart girl. lol, the blood thing is a mutual urge. as for cannibalism it confuses me because i value human life very highly. not saying you guys dont but it causes nausia at those kind of thoughts...

C13H18ClNO wrote:Thank you for your replies. I am certainly aware that if I were to put my fantasies into fruition, I would be breaking the law and of course be simply inhumane. I do know right from wrong and more often than not am only compelled to follow what is right.

I suppose that my fantasies are a culmination of multiple paraphilias: vorarephilia (hardcore, with a concentration in human cannibalism), vampirism, erotophonophilia, and just a general desire to be psychologically sadistic. I had a thought once while fantasizing about amputating a conscious man's hand and finger myself with it while in front of him to simply be taunting. Sometimes scaring happens on a tiny scale in which I generally give people the creeps. Comical situation: I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his room mate and she had a cheap cat-o-nine tails which had broken easily while we were horsing around and it was left with 3-4 strands on it. She whipped my boyfriend with it and he remarked that it was no longer painful to be struck with. I suggested that she attach thumb tacks to the ends of the remaining strands and they gave me the most creeped-out look. His room mate said that I scare her. Pretty funny. Of course, I do not really scare people in such a way where they don't trust me. I am generally sweet and lovable. I just unnerve many people with my thoughts and comments.

After being overcome with fantasies about eating the man I was having a casual sexual relationship with, I became curious and started reading things about cannibalism. I started to read about famous cannibals and related most to Jeffery Dahmer, so I read more into him. He enjoyed the idea of being so dominant that he didn't want his partners to be conscious to even have a thought about what was occurring. He also had an issue with possession in the sense that he never wanted his lovers to leave him which is why he murdered them and ultimately why he began to eat parts of them. This struck a chord in me because when I was physically or emotionally distant from someone I had very strong feelings for I would imagine keeping them in a coma so that they would stay with me. Dahmer also knew right from wrong and would drink heavily before murdering his victims to lower his inhibitions, and he murdered them by strangling them which is actually one of the more humane ways to kill someone.

It is all something that is kept in my fantasies. I could never do something to someone against their will and I'm not even sure I would have the stomach to actually do all the things I imagine in real life. My boyfriend has shared almost everything about his fetishes including how he feels shame about it because he finds it disgusting and bizarre. I have talked to my boyfriend about my violent fantasies, but it was at a time where it was actually more of a novelty and we will joke about it. He doesn't know that I have a growing lust to kill him and I imagine it's best if he didn't know, haha.

This is beyond a doubt very fascinating to me. It's rare to find a woman so passionate about such 'homicidal tendencies' and so open about them as well. I also find it amazing that you want to devour a man so he can become a part of you. I am also a voraphile and I see nothing wrong with your fantasies here...there is no greed or motive other than predatory passion. I am also more than willing to correspond with you, if you allow and will offer my support.

i identify with so much of what the op said, except for the fact that i haven't thought a lot about cannibalism. but it's something that i've been thinking about more and more.

I always found it disgusting, but now i think about how much I would love to eat part of the boy I'm in love with now. There's something extremely intimate about it


Also I wouldn't hurt a fly either, i'm a very loving person. And the more i love someone the more it makes me want to hurt them.

Hey;p I can relate to some of this but I've never had fantasies of chopping people up myself and eating them, more like me being caged (as a male, usually of a younger age) and being feed people I care about;p
I don't know if this is something that you've fantasized about but yeah;p

Anyway, what your describing sounds a lot like Vorarephilia, in which the sexual attraction, or erotic fantasy, is 'The idea of eating or being eaten by others; usually swallowed whole, in one piece'

It could be a take of that, I didn't actually read much if anything about this but you come across it sometimes on the internet;p
the blood part sounds like vampirism, which is the attraction to, or involving blood.

You could also just be a crazy psychopathic sadist who gets off on this stuff;p (joke)

hope this helped a little if at all;p

I've never ever hit a girl before nor would i ever hope to! And yet women just can love and accept me because i could never satisfy them? Well frak you! Frak you all!

This might seem a little uncomfortable...

You need to keep your morals in check for the rest of your life, as long as you have a murder fetish, make a vow to never act upon it, do self work and do everything in your power to stay away from all triggers. You know the deal.

You sound self aware enough to figure out what triggers you and what the underlying root is to your problem. And I'll let you in on a secret: it is because of a deep seeded fear, for example, a phobia of loss, fear of rejection, abondonment issues. You relate to Jeffery Dahmer, that's good, it can give you insight to what your emotional problems are. You need to work on that ASAP. Get to therapy etc.

Normal, healthy people do not need to control their loved ones or even tie them up to keep them by their side, let alone murder them to keep them with them for all eternity. No, normal happy people do not do that at all. You are control seeking, needing to control an issue that feels so out of control and overwhelming for you, something about your boyfriend or the situation terrifies you. A murderer is the biggest coward, needing to take control of life and death because he/she fears life and death and wishes to consume and control the person in an act of what is viewed as sacred, which is just a power trip, and a huge IMBALANCE of real spirituality and sacred divinity.

I'm willing to bet that the fact that he beats you, even if you think it turns you on, has traumatized you and is what is fueling your murderous desires, you need to stop the violence in your sexual acts if you want to see improvement. I don't give a ###$ what anybody says, when someone you love hurts you and obviously it has hurt you and it disturbs you even when you see how cruel his eyes become, it is going to scar you whether you are truly into it or not.

You obviously have very EXTREME morals when it comes to love and relationships, just like Dahmer. If you are willing to go to such lengths to murder your boyfriend to keep him next to you, it's because your morals have been threatened. Deep down you are probably really against the fact that your boyfriend harmed you physically, and the fact that he turns into some sadistic psychopathic demon who doesn't give a ###$ about you sometimes actually really scares you.

You need to put a stop to that BS. You are acting like a victim actually. You fantasize about him, like he's a peice of meat, objectifying him, taking away his strengths and control over you, rendering him completely useless and as a slave to you - that does not make you dominant, it makes you afraid that he's going to either hurt you or leave you and you don't want either.

The truth is you are a natural submissive person, like me. As a submissive person, you probably love the idea of being used, humilated, harmed, but when someone actually really harms you and it looks like they truly don't care about you, that is crossing a firm line.

Maybe you should admit to yourself honestly that you don't like it when he does that or when he tries to make you dominate him. I'm willing to bet that deep down inside you really don't like it because your story sounds all too familiar to mine.

When you are forced to be dominant you become murderous, simply because it disgusts you trying to be something your not. I don't know about you, but I'm submissive and I absolutely find submissive men completely revolting in every way. They aren't supposed to be submissive pussies, they are supposed to man up and be a man. It pisses me off so much that I feel like killing submissive men.
If that's not what you are into then you just aren't going to like it, you probably have no clue what being dominant actually means and will instead just gravitate to violence and any fantasies about violence you may have. But a real dominant person is actually loving and caring about their partner, they get off on rewarding, not just humiliating and sadism. The whole point of it for them is to make their partner lose hope just enough that they can restore it for them.

Your fantasy is not Sadomasochism at all. It's not even a real sexual fantasy, not by the sounds of it, it sounds more like a fear reaction to your undiscovered feelings about the situation and relationship you are in.
You react in fight or flight - you are acting in fight. Let's kill the problem, eradicate it, then keep it close to me for eternity, sound familiar? In this situation, the problem is your boyfriend, you need to figure out WHY.

If you are naturally submissive, it means you get off on being vulnerable and used which means you put all your trust in him to control you and frankly, it does not sound like he treated you very well at all, that could have seriously traumatized you giving you more reason to act in Fight Mode, pushing him away.
You may love him and have a great relationship but there is a definite problem there, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see it. Deal with that problem, and you will solve your murderous tendencies.
It's not the meds, the reason you lost empathy is probably because you are abused regularily. The fact is if you were really a psychopath, you wouldn't be caring, and you obviously are. Your reactions sound more like someone who has been hurt and who is trying to cope with that.

As far as cannibalism goes... I guess if eating food gets you off, then you can consider it a sexual fetish. That's not the case. It sounds more like you are just fascinated with the idea of gore, not eating meat. That just means your mind is attracted to gore, which can also be caused by the fact that you are putting yourself in dangerous, unhealthy, risky situations and are traumatizing yourself.

I would easily eat a person, as long as they were organic and farmed properly. Because I eat raw meat all the time. You say raw meat looks salivating, well it sure does and a lot of people agree, it doesn't make you gory or disturbing to enjoy eating food.
I don't see what the difference is, and people in recent history did not either. It was never taboo.
I think the only reason you are so into it right now is because you think it is taboo. You WANT to be attracted to gore, it's because it's giving you a distraction from what is really bothering you...
You want to see tough and disturbing so that it gives you the upper hand on your boyfriend. You can be worse off than he is, maybe it will fullfill some empty void in your soul...For example the whole let's pretend to be a bully when we really are just weak afraid children sort of scenario. No offence, that's just human nature. If you were really sexually attracted to cannibalism, it would not be bothering you so much and wouldn't seem like a "problem", probably would have been born that way like most of us are born with our natural sexual attractions.
I actually think the majority of your problem is psychological. That is good news, as long as you find the courage and balls to work through it and get help.
Don't leave it until it's too late.
You don't want to know what trauma and psychological problems can lead you to. You may not think you are capable of those things but when you are afraid enough, you will be able to do anything, so do not take your problems lightly.