Need some perspective

I dont really have a specific question here but I am reaching out for some perspective on my situation. just when you think you are secure with who you are feelings of self hatred just start flooding in from nowhere it seems. I am attracted to young boys. a couple of old friends are aware but no one else. I am also a married man. I love my wife with all my heart and wish to remain faithful to her and from a physical standpoint I always have amd always will. 2 years ago I stopped looking at pictures of boys and stopped having sexual fantasies about them. It's a long story to explain why I made those decisions but lets just say I was very close to crossing some boundaries and that instilled a sense of fear that literally scared me straight so to speak. I did collect a few pics over the past year or so (nothing illegal or even inappropriate for that matter) but did not fantacize about boys for the entire 2 year period until a couple weeks ago. I've become very liberal in my way of thinking and at some point just decided it wasnt a problem and I could have as many sexual thoughts as I wanted. I gave myself a pass. So 2 years of suppression and now I think about them all the time. Now to me that isn't a huge problem but what scares me is that i'm slipping back into my old ways. I seeking out pictures to have some "material" to help me out. I have 2 problems with that. 1. that's a boundary for me. Having a few decent pics is no big deal but I have found myself wanting more and more and wanting them to be more revealing. No cp, no nudes or anything like that but you know, shirtless, swimming trunks that kind of thing. I guess my concern here is that the law is vague and while there is nothing sexual or indecent who the hell knows where the legal line is anymore. It also makes me paranoid that somehow my wife will "find me out." I don't really like keeping this from her anyways but I know it would just crush her.

The fear and anxiety of all this kind of hit me this morning. All of those feelings from 2 years ago have come back and I couldnt hate myself less right now. I feel like I have been unfaithful to my wife and that i've deceived her but my love for her is very real. This is the only thing she doesnt know about me.

I'll lastly point out that I am a christian. I have extreme moral convictions over this. I feel like I am fanning the flames of something spiritual that has already been extinguished once. It's a gut wrenching feeling. And even if this were completely acceptable from society's standpoint it still isn't healthy behavior. I'd love to get some perspective from some of you. Preferably christian perspective but i'd appreciate anything. As for my personal boundary, i'm crossing back over to the good side. I spent 2 years there so I know I have the power to stay and they have been the happiest of my life. I just hope I can make the change permanant this time.

Why nobody hasn't say anything to help him out? I can't cause my english isn't that good and I don't know to much about pedophilia. Just wondering