Confusion About Pedophilia

Hi everybody. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. I am going to start off with just a little background about me. I am a 21 year old college student currently getting my bachelor's degree in psychology so I can pursue my dream of being a psychotherapist for sexually abused children. I am a loner by force. I haven't made a friend my age since middle school. All of the friends I have now, I have known since elementary school. It's hard for me to connect to people, especially my own age, because I have severe social anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder stemming from sexual trauma I endured at 14 years old. So basically that is me in a nutshell.

The main reason for this post is I am attracted to guys significantly younger than me. I am also attracted to guys my own age and older than me but I would never think about dating them; if that makes sense at all. My attraction for young boys started at 14 years old. At that time, I was attracted to boys aged 4-10 years old. At that time, I really didn't know why I was attracted to them. I let my friends know and they supported me. I was never around children so I didn't feel it was a problem. When it started to be a problem however is when I turned 16. I worked at a day camp and I had to watch the 9 year old age group. There was one particular boy that I was attracted to (still am) and at first I kept my distance from him but after a while I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to play the games he loved to play and talk to him about what interested him. We became friends (I was friends with practically everybody in that class, not just him) and everything was fine until swimming days. I couldn't swim so I would just stand in the shallow end and supervise. One day he jumped on my back and wanted me to give him a piggyback ride around the shallow end. I did and soon all of them lined up to get piggyback rides and to teach me how to swim. I felt comfortable around all of them except that boy because it just felt wrong.

Fast forward 5 years later and I'm attracted to younger guys but I'm attracted to guys who are 13 and 14 years old. Like I said previously, I'm attracted to guys my own age and older but I only want to date young teens. I've never dated a young teen though because I wouldn't do that. I like 13 and 14 year olds because I feel like they are innocent and not yet tainted by the corrupt world we live in. I feel safe and comfortable around them and I feel a great connection to them. I've never felt that way with guys my own age. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I fear that my goal of being a psychotherapist for sexually abused children will be ruined or I will accomplish my goal and end up getting in trouble for being with a child. I want to help children and I know I have self control and I wouldn't do anything now but I don't know what the future is going to hold for me.

So what's your opinion? Am I a pedophile? Should I give up my dream? Is this just some weird phase until I get over the sexual trauma? I'm just so conflicted because all I want to do is protect children but I don't know if I will be able to protect them from myself when I'm older. Please give me your thoughts and please don't be mean. Thank you for reading this!

Sound like you are an hebephile and not a pedophile.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebephilia

Thank you for providing that link. I appreciate it. Also I am wondering does sexual attraction, in this context, mean wanting to do sexual acts with them or just being attracted to them and wanting to date them with nothing sexual in the mix?

You said you are currently in the healing process for the abuse you yourself received when you where a child. Are you currently in therapy? From what I understand (believe me I have no education for this and am going off what I have heard or read) it is pretty common for adults to have these thoughts when they were sexually abused as children. It seems to be a coping mechanism the body has developed. Now please do not take what I say as the truth. I was never abused, sexually or any other way as a child. If you are currently in therapy for this I would suggest talking to him/her so they can help you with the confusion you are feeling.

I would hope since you want to help children that have been through this trauma you wouldn't want to cause it yourself. Maybe you look at the 13 - 14 year old boys and want to be around them because they provide something for you. Something that was stolen from you when you were young. I don't know.

Not sure of any of this will help. I hope in some small way it does

There's certainly a correlation between the year you were abused and the year you noticed your attraction to younger males. I think your decision to become a therapist is an admirable way to turn this into something positive. For that reason, I really hate to say this, but the simple fact is that some of the abuse survivors you'll be dealing with will be 13 / 14-year-old boys, confused kids, and you're going to have to either refuse that whole demographic (which would beg questions) or be damn sure that you won't find yourself in a position where you could make things even worse for them and you. Desires can be such powerful things and there's more to this than your own safety.

You ask if it's just a phase... it could be. Personally, I would wait on the matter for a few years, until I'd reached a certain point of stability and understanding myself, to either go through with it or, sadly, walk away. There will always be other solutions out there.

Sexual attraction counts even if you're only attracted to their bodies, mannerisms, etc. and don't want to actually do things with them. Certainly sounds like a more benign form of hebephilia to me though.

It's interesting you think of that age group as innocent. Love is strong and it lets us see the good in anything. I suppose there is some innocence in early adolescence, now that I think of it. I certainly wouldn't have thought so at that age, though, and most of them don't appear so, but rather in this bizarre halfway world between childhood and adulthood. But even younger children don't tend to be 'innocent' in the sense most adults believe them to be; they're more aware and more capable of cruelty than we often realise.

Kellicious wrote:You said you are currently in the healing process for the abuse you yourself received when you where a child. Are you currently in therapy? From what I understand (believe me I have no education for this and am going off what I have heard or read) it is pretty common for adults to have these thoughts when they were sexually abused as children. It seems to be a coping mechanism the body has developed. Now please do not take what I say as the truth. I was never abused, sexually or any other way as a child. If you are currently in therapy for this I would suggest talking to him/her so they can help you with the confusion you are feeling.

I would hope since you want to help children that have been through this trauma you wouldn't want to cause it yourself. Maybe you look at the 13 - 14 year old boys and want to be around them because they provide something for you. Something that was stolen from you when you were young. I don't know.

Not sure of any of this will help. I hope in some small way it does

Yes I am currently in therapy. This is my understanding also. People I have talked to about it are not concerned about all of this because it seems like I'm "stuck" at 14 years old still and once I overcome my troubles, I will be attracted to adults. I am going to talk to my therapist next appointment but it's not soon enough! Yes, I completely agree with you. I don't feel safe around anybody (especially men) except children. I feel safe and comfortable with boys that age. I feel like I can be myself and I don't have to put my guard up. If that even makes sense. Thank you so much for replying to me, I really do appreciate it and it really did help!

Divinorum wrote:There's certainly a correlation between the year you were abused and the year you noticed your attraction to younger males. I think your decision to become a therapist is an admirable way to turn this into something positive. For that reason, I really hate to say this, but the simple fact is that some of the abuse survivors you'll be dealing with will be 13 / 14-year-old boys, confused kids, and you're going to have to either refuse that whole demographic (which would beg questions) or be damn sure that you won't find yourself in a position where you could make things even worse for them and you. Desires can be such powerful things and there's more to this than your own safety.

You ask if it's just a phase... it could be. Personally, I would wait on the matter for a few years, until I'd reached a certain point of stability and understanding myself, to either go through with it or, sadly, walk away. There will always be other solutions out there.

Sexual attraction counts even if you're only attracted to their bodies, mannerisms, etc. and don't want to actually do things with them. Certainly sounds like a more benign form of hebephilia to me though.

It's interesting you think of that age group as innocent. Love is strong and it lets us see the good in anything. I suppose there is some innocence in early adolescence, now that I think of it. I certainly wouldn't have thought so at that age, though, and most of them don't appear so, but rather in this bizarre halfway world between childhood and adulthood. But even younger children don't tend to be 'innocent' in the sense most adults believe them to be; they're more aware and more capable of cruelty than we often realise.

Thank you. I feel the same way. I believe I sacrificed my own life and happiness in order to make a difference in children's' lives and I'm okay with that. I wouldn't change what I went through because if I never went through it, I wouldn't be passionate about helping children overcome sexual abuse. Yes, I realize that and that is what I'm so conflicted with. That's a good idea to wait a few years and see what happens. I'm working very hard to make sure I will be ready for that career path when I finish grad school.

I'm not attracted to their bodies (I do not like seeing any guy shirtless even) or anything like that. It's more so their personalities and innocence. The things I liked when I was in elementary and middle school, I still love now. I connect more with them and I don't feel judgement or being rejected; they are way more accepting. I'm not attracted to any physical characteristics except their face.

I think of that age group as innocent because the guys I like around that age are innocent. If I think a 13 year old is cute and he's tainted by the world and doing things I wouldn't characterize as innocent, then am not attracted to him anymore.

I'm not attracted to their bodies (I do not like seeing any guy shirtless even) or anything like that. It's more so their personalities and innocence. The things I liked when I was in elementary and middle school, I still love now. I connect more with them and I don't feel judgement or being rejected; they are way more accepting. I'm not attracted to any physical characteristics except their face.

That's interesting, because sexuality almost always involves physical features. I think it's that precise age group that tends to be the least accepting of people, especially in groups, but it's true that there are exceptions, and they can be really sweet, amazing kids, who are still crossing over from magical childhood consciousness to grounded adult consciousness.

I think of that age group as innocent because the guys I like around that age are innocent. If I think a 13 year old is cute and he's tainted by the world and doing things I wouldn't characterize as innocent, then am not attracted to him anymore.

I can relate to that. Age regression, for me, is 90% about returning to innocence, being purified, so to speak. It's more than just a sexual high, it's also an emotional affirmation, and what it's revealed over the years about my psyche has been incredible. Yet I know others with the same fetish who prefer revenge fantasies concerning horrible people, e.g. corrupt businessman cheats on his wife, then gets turned into a baby and paraded around his office to be taunted and humiliated by former underlings. Which is a total turn-off for me. I consider this one of the most compelling things about sexuality: that the source feelings can be so different, yet the medium can be the same.

How do you feel about those kids when they've grown up a bit, to age 15 or 16? Do you have any thoughts on why it's boys not girls that you're attracted to?

Yes, I know it almost always involves physical features. I'm just a strange person I guess. When the kids grow up, I either continue to like them or just stop. It just depends on the person they turn out to be when they're older. If they still have a great personality and have remnants of their personality when they were younger, I will still like them. If they drink, smoke, get into fights, have sex, do drugs or anything like that more than likely I won't be attracted to them anymore. I've never been attracted to girls at all.