New, need some guidance

Hi everyone, so I've finally decided that I need to get some therapy or something but I have no idea how to go about this. My problem is that I'm a pedophile as well as very depressed and I also have some social anxiety. This is undoubtedly going to be very long and ramblely so bear with me and feel free to skip down the the bottom to my questions if you want.

It all started at church when I was 13. They were short-handed in the toddler room and I got asked to help out. I had a blast and continued to work there on Sundays. Turns out I was pretty good with kids; all the parents were always so impressed by how patient and nice I was to kids. As time went on I started to consider becoming a teacher.

During this time I also started to become attracted to some of the girls at the church, developed what I call "crushes" on a few girls. It wasn't sexual, but purely emotional. I thought they were cute I suppose but there was nothing beyond that. At the time I didn't think of it as a crush, just that they were my favorite kids.

When I was 16 I discovered porn. From the beginning I always favored younger looking girls. I never looked at child pornography because that crap breaks my heart. Even the thought of someone hurting a child in any way makes me angry and sad. I often can't sit through crime shows involving child abuse because I'll start to lose it. Anyway, I eventually found myself looking up pictures of prepubescent girls, and only prepubescent girls, in swimsuits every night. I could finally deny it no longer, I was a pedophile. That was one of the most painful moments of my life. I was so ashamed of myself for looking at porn almost every night and now I also had the shame of lusting after children. I spent about a year praying for death every night. I was so disgusted with myself that I slowly started to break away from my addiction. Now while I can't say I'm perfect, I rarely go looking for such things.

As for teaching, I do still teach preschoolers at my church and want to be a kindergarten or preschool teacher. I used to worry that I should never teach or be around kids ever but over time I started to realize that I'm not just a time bomb waiting to go off. I've been in a lot of situations in the past where I could have done things to kids and gotten away with it because they were too young to really say anything but even then I didn't. As I said, I can't stand child abuse and anything I ever did with a child would be abuse. Even if they were "willing," that wouldn't matter because a child can't give consent to something they don't even understand. Still, I'm very careful not to put myself in any situation where I would be tempted, like taking a girl to the bathroom. I actually stayed with the preschoolers instead of teaching the elementary school kids because I find elementary aged girls sexually attractive while preschoolers are not. I do get "crushes" on preschool kids but they're protective, like how I feel towards my little sister, not romantic at all.

It does suck keeping this a secret from everyone, my family and the church, but I know they'd never take the time to understand any of it and my career would be over. I did actually tell my brother at one point over instant messaging (he lives out of state and I rarely see him) and he basically said "OK, I still love you. You'll get better once you find some friends," and then never spoke of it again and I can't find the courage to talk to him about it now.

I do think I've figured out why I feel this way, or at least partly why. After much thought and introspection I've come to the conclusion that I look to kids for acceptance and validation. You see, I never really had any really good friends throughout my teenage years and I still don't. I've never been good at making friends. I also moved a lot in high school for various reasons and that made it very difficult for me to keep the friends I did have if I managed to have any. The only people who would were excited to see me were kids. Over time I started to look for them for that acceptance and support I couldn't find from my peers. For me at least my pedophilia isn't about sex, its about loneliness.

I've accepted the fact that I'll always be like this and can live with it but its still very difficult sometimes. I need treatment for my depression and social anxiety at least. I've always been scared of asking for help because I'd have to go to my parents and while I don't have to tell them much of anything it would still be awful. More importantly though, I'm terrified that if I told a therapist about this they'd freak out and report me and then it'd get out and my life and career would fall apart and I'd have nothing left to live for. I could just never tell them about my pedophilia, but its such a large part of the reason I'm depressed that I don't think I can really get better without addressing that.

**Questions**

I guess my questions are what should I do? How do you even go about getting a therapist or whatever? Should I tell the therapist (assuming I trust them) about my pedophilia or not? Have any other pedophiles gone to therapy and if so did you tell them and how'd it go?

Anyway, I guess that's it, thanks for reading it all. I'd love to hear whatever advice anyone has.

I apologize in advance if I'm being a bit too forward here, but I think I can help you quite a bit if we talk in realtime. You can pm me, or use one of the contact methods in my profile if you use messenger, but your story sounds a lot like mine right now, even though our paraphilias are different.

I normally wouldn't be this forward with any of the forum members here, but something told me to do this, so if you want to talk for a bit, might help to quell the loneliness too, I'll be up for a bit.

NF

First off, I'm glad that you decided to reach out on a forum. When I was first attempting to reach out about my attraction to children, coming to forums like this proved to be very therapeutic in itself. It feels great to be able to talk so openly with others about the subject. Maybe this may help you release some pent up energy? Journaling was just not enough for me. I had to discuss this with others, had to read what others felt and experienced.

I wish I could tell you that every therapist out there is honest and open to helping minor attracted persons cope and learn to live successful and fulfilling lives, but I obviously can't. There are harmful people out there, therapists, psychologists, and otherwise, that can and will turn the issue of anyone being attracted to kids in these ways into something worse by either insulting the minor attracted person, humiliating them, or by exposing them. While I haven't heard of many cases where therapists have exposed pedophiles, I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to release any information to the authorities unless there's cause for concern, such as the patient stating they have molested a child or plan to, etc.

Though some innocent information given from a patient to a therapist may be twisted around to be seen as probable cause, too, so that also worries me. I'm not very wary of sources on trustworthy psychologists/therapists/etc., but I'm sure they exist. In fact, they're probably more present than I'd like to believe. The trick is finding them. I'm sure there are precautions one could take before coming out to a therapist about pedophilia, such as certain questions you could as them or whatever.

I have never told any psychologists about my attraction, but I've been getting help from my therapist, anyway. Simply put, I take the advice, information and exercises I get in my sessions and direct them at my pedophilia without ever talking to my therapist about it. In other words, I go to my therapy sessions for my anxiety, phobias, etc., and use the same things I learn there to help treat anxiety and depression issues related to my pedophilia. I've found this to work very well and have had a lot of success in improving my day to day life by simply treating my cognitive distortions.

Of course, it would be ideal to be able to be absolutely open to a therapist about everything, but I don't believe my comfort zone has quite reached that stage yet. I don't know if it ever will, but I certainly wouldn't mind finding a psychologist that is open to working with patients with sexualities such as my own.

Don't feel like you have to come out about everything at once, or at all. I'd recommend seeking help for your general anxiety and depression at first, and then go from there. Only let out as much as you're comfortable with.

Even if it doesn't sound appealing, I'd recommend keeping a progress journal. This way you'll be able to accurately keep track of your journey in acceptance, healing, problem areas, episodes, U-turns, achievements, and whatever else you come across on the road. It's helped me understand more about myself, and I believe it could help you, too.

Being a pedophile myself I guess I could be biased to therapy because I have tried therapy and it just didn't go very well and I felt like I didn't get anything out of it to help me in anyway. I was made to feel guilty and like crap all the time and that just sucked and I had never ever done anything with a child on a sexual level. It seems like the real help for pedophiles is when you actually molest a child and go to prison or a mental hospital if you have other problems as well.

Keeping it a secret sucks but to remain healthy with the relationships with the people that you have at church its probably best that you do keep it a secret and hidden from everyone. Yeah it can be painful to be that way but when you are a pedophile and majority of the world hates you because you are attracted to children, coming out to people is not a good idea. My biggest advice is to not let your attraction to childtren consume you and define who you are because if you do then that is dangerous ground.

Coming to places like this and talking about how you feel is very healthy and I think a good way to deal with the struggles that you have, completely normal to feel the feelings that you have. I guess you also have to wonder why you want to get therapy? Do you want to get therapy to change your pedophilia and be so called normal or do you want to see a therapist so you can find ways to always prevent from acting on your desires?

@encephalo

I have actually talked to people about this on another forum as well as keeping a blog, but its not dedicated to paraphilias or anything like that so while I have a lot of support from a lot of people there (one of them pointed me to this forum) and its been amazing to finally be able to talk about it but none of them know what I'm going through and can only really offer their sympathies but not much in the way of practical advice. I did try to find some forums about pedophilia specifically, but the only ones I could find seemed to be full of creeps so I didn't use them.

As you said, while there may be trustworthy therapists out there many of them are not. I looked up the laws in my state regarding when therapists are allowed to break confidentiality and it basically says that if they believe I'm a threat to myself or others then they should report it. It seems like its mostly a judgement call on their part. I work with small children on a regular basis. That right there might be enough to label me a threat for some people, who knows. The fact that I've been doing this for almost 8 years without a single complaint or accusation would certainly help me but it may not be enough.

@Blben

Keeping it secret is awful. I hate how "pedophile" is synonymous with "child molester" to many people, including my father it seems. It took me a very long time before I was really comfortable teaching at church because I knew if people knew this then they'd never let me anywhere near their kids again. It wasn't until all the parents' continuous praise finally started to sink in that I finally saw how gifted I really am and that my attractions don't define me. Its still sometimes sitting in church and thinking about how all the love and respect I currently have would vanish if they knew but it doesn't bother me much anymore.

Thinking about it, I suppose I don't really need therapy for my pedophilia. I don't think its ever going to go away completely and I've accepted that for the most part. I'm also not worried I'll molest a child; I'm extremely careful to avoid temptation and when I've been in tempting situations where I knew I could probably get away with it the thought of doing anything never crossed my mind. Its not even that I'm afraid of getting caught but that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt a child like that.

Really I suppose I need help for everything else. I've always felt like I should eventually tell them about it because its such a big part of my life but in reality its really a symptom of all my other issues. Like I said, I turn to kids for support when I couldn't find it from my peers. Now I have a lot of social anxiety which makes it difficult for me to go out and make friends so the cycle continues. I need treatment for that, not my pedophilia.

Okay, so I'm going to just lay this down. What you described is close to identical to my own problems. I'm a 17-year-old male who is a nonexclusive pedophile. I'm attracted to both young boys and girls. I too suffer from depression, and bad social anxiety (as well as other anxieties.) As painful as it is to admit, I had an addiction to CP for about two years, but I am now almost 15 weeks clean. I too can't stand the thought of a child ever being hurt.

I don't know exactly what truths you've accepted about yourself, but let me tell you something. I'm seeing a sexuality/addictions specialist, and he's told me many times that he's not convinced I'm actually a pedophile. His main reasoning comes from my social anxiety. See, much like you, I had very few friends when I was younger, and few lasted more than a year or two. Look, the point is that I labeled myself a pedophile too early, and while I very much feel like one, I may not be one. The same may be true for yourself.

If you want to find a good therapist, search for a sexuality/addictions specialist. This is nothing they haven't dealt with before, and I guarantee that nothing you will say will shock them. My therapist seemed completely normal when I first told him that I was breaking an addiction to CP.

Musicman wrote:Okay, so I'm going to just lay this down. What you described is close to identical to my own problems. I'm a 17-year-old male who is a nonexclusive pedophile. I'm attracted to both young boys and girls. I too suffer from depression, and bad social anxiety (as well as other anxieties.) As painful as it is to admit, I had an addiction to CP for about two years, but I am now almost 15 weeks clean. I too can't stand the thought of a child ever being hurt.

It seems we're in the same boat. While I didn't really look at CP, I certainly got very close to that line, and I know how painful that addiction can be having suffered with it for about a year and a half. I'm so glad you've been clean for so long, that's awesome

Musicman wrote:I don't know exactly what truths you've accepted about yourself, but let me tell you something. I'm seeing a sexuality/addictions specialist, and he's told me many times that he's not convinced I'm actually a pedophile. His main reasoning comes from my social anxiety. See, much like you, I had very few friends when I was younger, and few lasted more than a year or two. Look, the point is that I labeled myself a pedophile too early, and while I very much feel like one, I may not be one. The same may be true for yourself.

That could very well be true. The only "friends" I've ever really had have been children and so I've gotten used to turning to them for support. Maybe once we make some friends our own age we won't look to kids for that and the attraction will diminish.

Musicman wrote:If you want to find a good therapist, search for a sexuality/addictions specialist. This is nothing they haven't dealt with before, and I guarantee that nothing you will say will shock them. My therapist seemed completely normal when I first told him that I was breaking an addiction to CP.

That would be a good idea, although I'm not completely sure if I want to go get treatment for my pedophilia specifically. I think that if I deal with my other issues first then maybe it'll start to fade and if not I'm pretty comfortable with it and could live with it if I had to.

Stay strong and if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

Hello Ehren,

I too have a similar history. My attraction started with an emotional one. I recognized the emotional attraction to be odd, of course, and for a short time was able to completely compartmentalize my emotional feelings for children from the sexual ones. Eventually I forced myself to realize that I was a pedophile. This caused me a great deal of distress, as we're only ever told that anyone that feels this way is an inhuman monster. I felt evil, and wanted to die. The early years (teens for me) were the hardest. It was especially difficult because I wasn't just attracted to pre-teens. I was even more attracted to much younger children, which I could imagine was even more 'evil'.

For me, the emotional component to the attraction has always been stronger and felt more profound. I always had a need to protect them, to be there for them, but I couldn't deny a sexual component as well.

Thankfully, the older you get, the more comfortable you feel in your own skin. Eventually I came to accept that this is how I am. I never even considered acting on it, and this made me a good person. I realized that there were many more out there that were just like me, and that made it easier not to hate myself.

Just know that it does get easier over time. It's still an eternal struggle however, and is our burden to bear. At least we're able to talk to about it in a forum like this; that helps tremendously.

Good luck.

somnaped wrote:Just know that it does get easier over time. It's still an eternal struggle however, and is our burden to bear. At least we're able to talk to about it in a forum like this; that helps tremendously.

Good luck.

It surely does get better over time, if you choose to let it. Personally, it wasn't unbearable for me when I first discovered my attraction, but it was still a struggle. Now, it's no so much a struggle but more of an aspect of myself that I've grown comfortable with. It is still difficult from time to time to handle things that come along with the attraction, such as anxiety, worry, harsh self-criticism and cognitive distortions, but I'm learning to better cope and live buoyantly every day. Tackling my anxiety and depression directly has been key in my success. Since these two things affect and stem from other parts of my life besides my sexuality, I've been able to improve my life on various planes by broadening the targets of my treatment a bit.

I hope you're doing well! I like to remember Mister Rogers' famous song when I'm feeling down about my sexuality and other things -

"You are my friend
You are special
You are my friend
You're special to me.
You are the only one like you.
Like you, my friend, I like you.

In the daytime
In the nighttime
Any time that you feel's the right time
For a friendship with me, you see
F-R-I-E-N-D special
You are my friend
You're special to me.
There's only one in this wonderful world
You are special."