I need to talk or vent? ...

And I'm terrified about going to a psychiatrist with this. A little bit about me ... im a young female ... happily married with no kids. The no kids is the problem. I'm attracted to them and that makes me deathly afraid of having my own children. I don't have a preference ... it ranges from teenagers to as young as 7-8 ... or either male or female. I am also attracted to adults and prefer them over children. I fantasize and masturbate thinking about children maybe once a week. I don't watch child porn anymore ... though I used to when I was about 14-16. I normally read erotica about children or teens when I masturbate. I've never acted on my attraction and I try to avoid situations where I might get tempted. I don't want kids right now because of this ... it also helps that I couldn't afford one right now anyway. I would eventually like to have a child to raise together with my husband but I don't know if having a son or daughter would cause me to ... slip up and hurt them.

I know I need help ... I know I should probably be seeing a psychiatrist but im very anxious about seeking help. Im an anxious person to begin with and this whole problem I have isn't helping that. I avoid all contact with children who I don't know. I think I would more likely hurt someone I don't know then someone I do (not counting my concern with my own children) ... I have two nephews and a niece who I love with all my being and would never dream to hurt my sister's kids. Im just not sure if that would apply to my own children especially since I've always been fascinated by incest.

On that note ... I've never told anyone in person about my attraction. I have told some people online and they .... well, if I lived closer to one of them I would most likely be living in an incestuous family. The other two people I met in person after talking online ... one showed me his extensive collection of child porn and the other used to tell me about the children he abused. I was never sure if I should believe him or not.

I'm taking a step forward and addressing that yes, I do need help.

~lilyflower

Hello, and welcome.

It's good that you want to try and address these kind of worries.
Often, the worry itself is the bigger issue, at least I know that's how I've felt.

How does your husband fit into all of this, have you been able to confide in him, if not, why not?
Do you think he would react poorly?

I've not confided in my husband. He was abused regularly as a kid ... and briefly turned into an abuser in his early teens. I think he'd be disgusted in me and I really don't want to lose him.

If you have a strong marrage then this is something you shouldn't keep from him.

I don't want to tell you what to do, I am just making a sugestion because I really am not a good person to turn to when it comes to help but I want to try. If what you say is true that you would never hurt your sisters kids then wouldn't that desire be less for your own children? I mean that in a way of saying, having your own children would make you less likely to hurt them because they are your own, does that make sence? I'm only sugesting remember, I don't want my words to become decision, just think about it.

That would be the logical way to look at my situation ... but I've also had thoughts of what it would be like to "mold" a child into my own personal ... sex toy. So ... perfect way to do that is to have a baby. Its these thoughts that especially scare me.

As someone that's found himself attracted to girls between 12-14 at times, I can safely say that I would never ever feel anything like that towards my niece, cousins, or future daughters.
Having said that, before my niece was born I used to fear that happening. Once she was born those fears just evaporated and it is only love i feel for her.

Hope this helps.

lilyflower7 wrote:Its these thoughts that especially scare me.

Well, but those are just thoughts.

Have you any idea how many people have had thoughts about movie stars and such?

I think you do worry unnecessarily. Thoughts are absolutely safe in and of them self, it's only the occasional one-in-a-million person - who has a lot of other issues than mere thoughts - who puts thoughts to practice.

And I think maybe most people who do something bad, don't see that coming ahead of time, they don't plan for it, exactly.

So if you know that maybe you need to keep a little check on yourself, that's a good thing and you should consider that an additional safety for your child, that can help such situations not occur.

That said, after dealing with a screaming shit-machine for a few years, I don't think you would be able to have such thoughts anymore.

But my advice would be to see a therapist about these things, and you could maybe talk about them and see if there is something else that makes you worry and not actually this thing that you currently can put your finger on.

Hi lilyflower7,

I agree with the Dan and Alevi. I think you need to talk about this with someone in real life - preferably both your husband and a therapist. I think with support you can overcome you fears and find ways to control your attraction so that you can raise your own child/children.

Hi lily,

The first thing that needs saying is that pedophilia and incest are distinct phenomena. Pedophiles rarely get involved with members of their own family, and people involved in incest are rarely pedophiles. The Westermarck effect describes the phenomenon of sexual desensitization that occurs between people living in close proximity during the early years of either one. This is usually enough to inhibit incest.

In your case, however, a red flag is being raised when you talk about a fascination with incest. One's completely dependent infant would certainly be the ideal and easiest thing to mold into one's own sexual playtoy, something I am sure you realize that most people find quite repulsive. However, that may no matter when you are alone with your baby and the thought of realizing your fantasies comes along.

I was also going to point out that some have said that for a marriage to be successful you must lie, and that there may be more to lose than gain by telling your husband, but again in your case, considering the high risk of incest at which you appear to be, there would be an advantage in telling him if you really wanted to have child of your own. Explaining to him that you are telling him because you do not want to abuse your own child may permit him to be a bit more understanding. He'd be aware of your fantasy and could monitor your behavior. There is also a reasonable chance that, like with your nieces and nephews, you just would not feel that way towards your own child after all.

While seeing a therapist might be very beneficial, I hesitate to recommend that because of the counterproductive mandatory reporting laws. If you could see one for some time and ended it well before you ever got pregnant, you might be OK, but if you did get pregnant during the course of therapy, there is a good chance that you'd get reported and that your newborn would be taken away from you.

You may well be able to be a successful parent if you take the proper precautions. You are in a tough situation. I wish you the best of luck.