The Psychology of Shame?

It seems to me that shame is deeply tied into sexuality and especially paraphilias. Of course there is the shame that's learned - society says this is wrong and therefore you should be ashamed. But at least in my case, I experienced shame and embarrassment for my thoughts before I had the faintest idea that they were paraphilic, and even before I knew what sex / sexuality was. Did anyone else have a similar experience, and if so, why do you think this is? I've just been wondering about this and thought it might be interesting to discuss.

Did anyone else have a similar experience, and if so, why do you think this is?

Hey Basilisk,

I sorta had a simular experience, I found I was attracted to boys at a fairly early age and was ashamed of it, I think I was ashamed though because I knew that boys being together was not normal and not being normal was bad. Although, I think this image of 'boys being together is bad' came from the media really, I mean, it's not often you see gay couples on the TV or television shows where a guy falls in love with another guy (I'm talking about kids TV because thats when the belief of 'being gay' was bad came from). In my opinion I think that once the shame is impressioned on you it is hard to get rid of it, but thats just my opinion.

You're probably right about that, anonymous112. I think shame must stem from some early societal indicators, whether we remember them or not, because I don't think shame is innate. I just can't remember where I personally could have picked up such indicators so early. I can remember having such fantasies (and acting them out with my toys) when I was younger than 5, and being ashamed of them or at least embarrassed by them. Do you have any recollection of just how young you were when you realized your attraction and became ashamed of it? Out of curiosity.

I notice that you and I are the same age, anonymous112. It's sort of comforting to see another teenager on the forum struggling to deal with paraphilia, despite that our paraphilias are very different.

not to sound too intrusive basilisk, but what exactly is your paraphilia? im 16 and personally mine is pedophilia as well. im only asking about yours, since you said yours was different than 112's and i couldn't really find where it was stated? for me, i realized at 10, and have been ashamed all the time afterwards. it is a combination of both society and just me in general. society calls us monsters and it eventually sinks in as being the truth, even though you know it to be false, deep down the label is always there.

inferiority wrote:not to sound too intrusive basilisk, but what exactly is your paraphilia?

Thanks for replying, inferiority. Mine is vorarephilia, sorry I didn't state it above, I just didn't want to make the topic /too much/ about myself. (: And you are right, I think labels are definitely a part of it, especially for you all with paedophilia, since society seems particularly apt to disparage paedophiles.

My paraphilia is non-exclusive hebephilia.
I realized the how's and why's of this being a problem, pretty recently. I'm in my thirties myself.
For me, the overwhelming emotion was not shame but ignomy.
I recognized this attraction as being but one (albeit decisive) consequence of a whole zoo of psychological issues. These issues will remain with me for some time, but I have come to terms with my paraphilia (mostly, I guess), and I have begun working on many others.
I believe I would not have been able to do that without some acceptance and support.

everybody needs a place where they can feel accepted and loved. For me, hearing homophobic comments or anti-pedophile comments really hurts and cuts deep, since both are usually wrong and terribly misguided.

Alevi wrote:My paraphilia is non-exclusive hebephilia.

That's interesting, as my sexual 'tastes' in terms of age range of attraction are probably fairly similar, but I do not feel any shame and never have. Furthermore, I don't consider myself to have a paraphilia, partly because I don't feel any distress due to my sexuality and partly because I don't see attraction to pubescent girls as being an anomaly in a biological sense. I sometimes jokingly refer to myself as a non-exclusive teleiophile, but this is more to poke fun at the establishment for coming up with labels like hebephilia and ephebophilia, particularly the latter.

I felt ashamed about it from a very young age too... and one of my two paraphilias is also vorephilia.

I think it's pretty clear-cut. Not only are we outside the majority, but we tend to be attracted to things most people find completely disgusting. Being swallowed whole and alive, for example, is gross. Personally I have a natural empathic talent (whereas I'm utterly deficient in sympathy) and I was able to see it from other people's point of view right from the start, and I had the good sense to keep it secret even when I was four years old.

Finally, sexuality has always been repressed in western culture. Even the heterosexual norm is made the feel ashamed, as the religious establishment and its legacy permeates our entire metaparadigm. Sex is considered sinful. It's only natural that obscure sexuality is considered triply sinful. Natural, but entirely irrational.

Alevi wrote:I recognized this attraction as being but one (albeit decisive) consequence of a whole zoo of psychological issues.

How did you come to realize which issues were the root of your paraphilia? Did it take therapy for you to get into this or did you work through it on your own?

GinaSmith wrote:I sometimes jokingly refer to myself as a non-exclusive teleiophile, but this is more to poke fun at the establishment for coming up with labels like hebephilia and ephebophilia, particularly the latter.

I've wondered why they even have the term teleiophilia - since that's the norm, why does it have a -philia name? O.o

Divinorum wrote:I felt ashamed about it from a very young age too... and one of my two paraphilias is also vorephilia.

I think it's pretty clear-cut. Not only are we outside the majority, but we tend to be attracted to things most people find completely disgusting. Being swallowed whole and alive, for example, is gross. Personally I have a natural empathic talent (whereas I'm utterly deficient in sympathy) and I was able to see it from other people's point of view right from the start, and I had the good sense to keep it secret even when I was four years old.

Finally, sexuality has always been repressed in western culture. Even the heterosexual norm is made the feel ashamed, as the religious establishment and its legacy permeates our entire metaparadigm. Sex is considered sinful. It's only natural that obscure sexuality is considered triply sinful. Natural, but entirely irrational.

You make a solid point about that, Divinorum, but although you may have realized at that age that you were outside the majority, I don't think I did. I just had the inexplicable impression that I would get in trouble for some reason if my parents found out. I would hide my drawings of animals eating one another from them. Today, my reaction remains the same: if my friends or parents get anywhere near something I have drawn or written that is remotely vorarephilic, I will freak out and go to any lengths to prevent them from seeing it (ripping it to shreds, grabbing it out of their hands, etcetera). I do this even with my friend who knows I'm a vorarephile. It's a reflex, I guess, but I'm still not sure why I do it.

I do wish western society wasn't quite so repressive about sexuality. One has to wonder what difference it would make if we lived in a culture that was more open in that area. Would acceptance on such a scale eradicate shame or would it persist despite less societal pressure? Does the religious undercurrent present in most of the western world really have such a profound effect on the way people view themselves and their sexuality? I'll concede that even though I'm agnostic, I sometimes wonder whether I'm being 'sinful' in the Biblical sense. x.e;