family bites!!!!

Ever since i told some of my family members my problems, my relationships with them have become down right hostile. I've even had my sister call me a pedophile more than once and said that if she had children she wouldn't trust me around them. I've come so close to killing her for calling me that and a d*ckhead. Four people in my family know about what I'm living with, and all them damn near hate me, don't trust me, and piss me off in every way possible. I've had just about enough of it. I'd rather walk out of this house one night and never come back, get hit by a car, a train or just stab myself in the heart b/c it seems like i have no heart according to my family. Every night i go to sleep thinking about children, and wake and I'm still thinking about them, even dream about children. My doctor knows what I'm going through and has tried to help by prescribing something to help but nothing is working. The only thing keeping me sane is the fact that I do have a job and i actually enjoy it most days. the only other thing that helps to keep me from thinking about children is playing games online. mostly FPS, and strategy games.

you have to remember, that even though your family may seem hostile, it is probably mostly out of ignorance and surprise more than hatred. Once you tell them anything having to do with you and constantly thinking about children (im not really sure what you told them) they are going to think of the stereotypes that were programmed into their heads when they were growing up and that the media plants into most of our minds calling people who have thoughts about children immediately monsters, even if they never act on these thoughts. I have these kinds of thoughts regularly, and never act on them and hopefully never will. I understand that it is unacceptable for society, but i (we) can not control who we are and what we think about, only the way that we choose to act upon our thoughts and urges. Your therapist should be doing far more than prescribing drugs to help you with your problems, he should actually try to get down to the source and have some discussions with you, however this is rarely the case. i hope this can at least help you out a little bit, and if you would like some more of my input, you can post any comments or further detail as to what was said and done in a reply and ill see if i can help you anymore.

My doctor knows what I'm going through and has tried to help by prescribing something to help but nothing is working.

Pills....seems to be the typical response to every problem these days.

dan1966 wrote:Pills....seems to be the typical response to every problem these days.

And yet, in some cases they make a WORLD of difference.
Me, I have felt like a yoyo, completely torn apart by emotions which have sapped my strength and concentration and made it extremely hard for me to focus. A mood-stabilizer did wonders for me.

For echo1, I suspect that maybe your sister or other family members don't really see your confessed pedophilia as the main reason why they critisize you, but simply use that to "bite" you without you having a comeback.

Perhaps it would help if you tried to better yourself?

echo1 wrote: Every night i go to sleep thinking about children, and wake and I'm still thinking about them, even dream about children.

Yes, and I know how painfull it can be, to wake up from a dream wherein you had nice and happy feelings, only upon waking you recognize that what happened in the dream was wrong.
That kind of dissonance is not the best way to start the day.

echo1 wrote:the only other thing that helps to keep me from thinking about children is playing games online. mostly FPS, and strategy games.

Can I ask how old you are? It would help in trying to understand your relationship with your family.

For echo1, I suspect that maybe your sister or other family members don't really see your confessed pedophilia as the main reason why they critisize you, but simply use that to "bite" you without you having a comeback.

Or it could be they're unable at the moment to come to terms with it. My family has been lashing out at me for some time now and some of them knew what was going on during my teenage years. It could be they're dealing with their own short comings, perhaps they suspected or had knowledge but are blaming themselves or using you as some sort of salve for their own self-loathing of having done nothing when you needed their help.

At the moment though, you need guidance and help...if not from family than from those of us who are dealing with these issues from our own childhood and into our adult years.

i'm 22, i told them a year and half ago...

i've tried going to SA, SAA and that made me feel out of place as i was in a room with guys who had just cheated on their wives, and had extreme masturbation problems or just had sex with anything they could fine. i live in a town where people are afraid to admit their problems, and further more, don't seek out help for them. when i went to SA, the average attendance was 5 people, and we had meetings 3 times a week.
tbt, i'm seconding guessing myself at every turn. some days i go to work and there are children in the showroom. but i steer clear and go into the backroom. i believe that stress is one of my triggers, anytime i get super-stressed i go into the 8th level of hell and those thoughts get even more pronounced.

echo1 wrote:i'm 22, i told them a year and half ago...

In that case, my advice to you - and bear in mind that almost none of us are employed in the mental health industry, so you should take advice with a grain of salt - would be to start doing something that you can succeed with. Anything, really. Just to get the ball rolling, and start getting that confident feeling of can-do.
You're at an excellent age for going to the gym, which would be great for you in many ways.
You would blow off some steam from stress and frustration, release some endorphins which help calm you down and such, and also you would build strength really, really quick.

echo1 wrote:... i believe that stress is one of my triggers, anytime i get super-stressed i go into the 8th level of hell and those thoughts get even more pronounced.

Well, it does sound like your issues are psychological in nature, not something you have been borne with.
In which case, I recommend changing stuff in your life. I believe that will help you look differently at things.

echo1 wrote:Ever since i told some of my family members my problems, my relationships with them have become down right hostile. I've even had my sister call me a pedophile more than once and said that if she had children she wouldn't trust me around them.

The great majority of families are unequipped to deal with a member's pedophilia, and as previously stated, have been programmed into thinking the worst about it. The sad truth is that many pedophiles have not had the luxury of family support after coming out (willingly or unwillingly) and have had to seek support elsewhere, like on this forum or other options such as the peer support listserv at B4U-ACT.

Also, many families are dysfunctional even before a member's pedophilia is revealed. That then becomes the focus of the family's dysfunction and the affected member is then used to blame all its problems on. The best you can probably do is identify the most supportive ones and relate to them more while realizing that you may have to give up your family completely. While it can be wonderful if you happen to have a family that comes around to understand you, I am afraid that that is a rarity. I have seen the opposite happen more times than I care to recall. I'm very sorry.

Finally, if the urges and thoughts are too much for you, you might want to seeing a specialist in treating the paraphilias and discuss the possibility of going on weekly sexual appetite suppressant injections. Pedophiles report a sense of calm and less urges to interact with children. See the sticky at the top of this forum.