Paraphilic Infantilism, and life (I guess it could trigger)

I decided to post a little bit about myself here, since I'm on and off in posting here about stuff sometimes =).

Even before I knew what sex, or had any -remember-able- sexual feelings I had a fascination with diapers. It didn't start that oddly, but has progressed so far that it is causing a little bit of strain on my life in the past couple years. Most recently progressing deeper into the spectrum which at one time I had no interest in. It's not that I'm not happy or anything, I enjoy everything to do with this. But when it's on your mind (almost all the time) it becomes a hinderance with everyday life.

I don't know if this could trigger or not for others who are on the forum, so I guess just be warned.

I've always been quite babyish as it was, although I was potty-trained at a very young age. I always loved plushies, stuffed animals, TY babies, and my blankie . I don't know for how long it was going on but I recall as early as 6 or 7 that I would use my blanket and I would wrap it around myself much like a diaper and sleep in it.

At 7 I also really enjoyed holding my bladder in as long as I could, one day when I was at school I waited a bit longer and had to use the bathroom really bad. The teacher said I had to wait for another student to come back. Grudgingly I had waited for him to return, I then bolted to the bathroom as fast as I could. Running was probably a bad idea as I then started wetting myself. It was an odd feeling then, and as I seen urine running onto the floor.. It also felt oddly good.

The winter came of that year, and bulky snowpants made for wetting myself very easy. So I did, quite frequently. Shortly after my parents had divorced and I was living temporarily with friends of my mothers. The older boy there used to have sleepwalking problems, bedwetting problems, etc. He would sometimes sleep walk and pee in the cupboard at the bathroom, or on the floor. One time he was laying in bed when he hopped out and ran to the bathroom, when he came back I remembered seeing his underwear rather soaked with urine. I have to say I was actually quite attracted I suppose at that time, nothing sexual but... I'm not sure what word to use here. I guess it was early signs I was gay though (Didn't really confirm I was gay until I was 19).

I still wasn't actually interested directly in diapers at this time.

So life moved on, we moved away and lived with other family. Whenever I used the washroom I would almost always save the last spurt, or a little bit of urine and release it in my pants. I loved the winter since I could wet my snow pants all the time. I would also pee in the shower (on myself), tub, in face cloths, towels, bathing suits, etc. Anything I thought I could do discretely

I guess I'll jump ahead as nothing different really happens until pre-teen / early teens.

Sleep overs, like all sleep overs at that age I'm sure everyone has some -exploration- I guess. Nothing was different with sleepovers I was at, we had truth and dare. Whenever I got to dare someone I would always dare them to wet themselves a little bit, or if they would entirely (which I actually got some doing when I was at a cabin near the beach one time). I do remember it as being some of the greatest nights ever .

Life moved on again to when I was -about- 15. That's when I found material on the internet (girls at the time, although sometimes guys) wetting themselves. I never really had a sexuality then. I'm not a very sexual person as it is. I would (infrequently) stay home sick so I could wet my pants and wash my clothes in private. This is around the time when the want of wetting myself pretty much set in as a daily- every couple days occurrence.

Life moved on even more, 17 now when I actually started getting an urge to wear real diapers. I really wanted them quite badly. It wasn't until 18 that I finally got adult diapers, I had very few occasions when I got to wear diapers when I was 17 (they were always children's and didn't fit). That day I can remember like it was yesterday, it was one of the best days of my life. Nothing was too abnormal, I would wear when I was able to, and got the chance.

This is when everything began progressing a bit more.

It wasn't that long before I got the urge to wear more frequently, and it became both a security blanket and a sexual stimulation. I would almost always wear when I went to sleep (depending on various situations). I began getting urges to also poop in my diapers, which I had done, both out of curiosity and a small amount of sexual interest at that time. I have to say although it feels -amazing- the clean up makes it unpleasant. So I still have that urge, but just thinking about the cleanup makes the urge die rather suddenly.

I would go through binges, of where I would wear almost 24/7 for a week or so at a time.

When I was 20, I had now concluded I was gay and moved onto porn, but I couldn't help but stick with wetting and desperation, and diapers. Just nothing seems to interest me much (even still). I wanted to actually put a stop to it at that time, as I figured it wasn't something that I really wanted to live with. I tried to stop cold turkey. Sadly, I didn't even last 2 weeks.

I was very insecure around this time, probably lonely as well. Maybe a bit disgusted in myself, even to this day I still think the whole diaper thing is very weird.

I found the furry fandom (more eventful I guess - I knew about it slightly before) around this time, It did give me a small amount of comfort to feel as though I could be whoever I wanted and be respected. I had always liked the art work, but I never really knew much about the acceptance that is displayed within the fandom. It was quite a welcoming appeal. Looking back on that now, I'm some glad I found the community.

I lived my life quite contently from that point on, and it wasn't until recently (that I got a boyfriend) that I'm finding myself moving quickly into more territories.

While I had known that urophilia, and paraphilic infantilism did indeed 'plague' (bad word but all I can think of - used loosely here ) me, it was only the DL side of things (Diaper Lover for those of you who don't know).

Now that I'm in an actual relationship, I feel the urge that I much remember to act "babyish". Not to offend anyone who is AB (Adult Baby), but I had always found the whole "acting like a baby" or sleeping in a crib, bibs, aprons, etc. thing -really- weird. Right now it's nothing more than being changed, simple baby talk, a pacifier, maybe some babyish clothing, etc. But I am now fearing about the progress going to fast. My boyfriend says he finds my fetish in omorashi (desperation and pants wetting) to be very hot himself, but he never really had any interest in it. He respects the whole diaper thing, and has no problem with it but I don't want to push this all on him, I care about him a lot. I don't think it's fair for me to be interested in one small area, and having a hard time to find anything else.

I respect who I am, and he does to. So I have no reason to change that (therapy). But I can't help but wonder about ways to start immediately in controlling this at least a little. I want to make sure that I don't kind of put him off (he doesn't care that I like diapers this much, I've discussed all this with him). But I just can't help but feel selfish (I guess).

Any advice guys! I'd like some thanks.

tl;dr:
I decided to give you guys the interesting life description of my -sexual- side.
scared I'm progressing faster, and into more domains.
I have a hard time finding *anything* else erotic at all and don't want to be selfish(?) to my boyfriend.


Thanks,

NAE

Hi NAE,

Thanks for sharing your story on the forum and explaining in such detail, i'm sorry that my reply isn't anywhere near as long or useful.

It's nice that you've got an understanding boyfriend and that your fetish doesn't cause you any distress. I'm guessing your dilemma would be the same situation for any relationship, that there's an element of give and take? In the sense that - as you say - you want to endulge in your fetish but feel that it's selfish to over do it. I guess there's no harm in trying to reduce an aspect of yourself that may cause you to worry about losing your partner. As for reducing it, have you tried anything for yourself so far? As i'm betting there are a myriad of different approaches to take. For just one example, many people recommend techniques such as meditation to gain greater self-control. Would that be something worth trying for you?

yeah I guess, I mean I'm bringing to the table an -odd- fetish. But he doesn't ask for anything in return. Even though I ask him to just tell me, I'd do almost anything for him.

I have meditated before (Tae Kwon-Do) never really thought about applying it to this situation.

thanks, I'll look at stuff online about it.

Hey man. I don't normally advertise, but you might find my introductory thread here worth reading. paraphilias/topic65634.html

I was an infantilist as a child, and still have traces of it, mostly lived out through AR. A few days ago I managed to accidentally wet myself for the first time in many years (I was on magic mushrooms, and reacted to it far stronger than I was supposed to) and when you described having an accident and how good it felt, I can still relate to that.

I find this particularly interesting:

I've always been quite babyish as it was, although I was potty-trained at a very young age. I always loved plushies, stuffed animals, TY babies, and my blankie . I don't know for how long it was going on but I recall as early as 6 or 7 that I would use my blanket and I would wrap it around myself much like a diaper and sleep in it.

Do you suppose this might contribute to your infantilism? I've read studies and reports to the effect that early potty training can be a traumatising ideal. Babies can react to it in all sorts of ways. Perhaps your reaction was to fetishize the process? Give it somet thought.... maybe something will come up in your memory.

There are a few things actually that I have thought about. Yes, I have seen studies that seemed to suggest early potty training could cause infantilism.

Another thing I thought about was that when I was quite young (10 years old) I would sort-of masturbate I guess. By once again wrapping the blanket around me and humping the bed. Obviously I was to young to actually orgasm/ejaculate. But I remember that every time it felt good, but I would also feel like I had to pee really bad.

I figure that at a very young age I could have registered urinating and masturbating in my brain.

Both seem logically possible.

So you like wearing diapers and wetting yourself. Who cares? You are not hurting anybody with it. I am not sure why it is causing you distress. Why not just go with it?