Nepiophilia

I am not only a pedophile but on top of that I am also a nepiophile which I am pretty sure means that I am attracted to infants to around 3 or 4 years old. I just seem to get so confused on how such young creatures on this planet can arouse me sexually. I would never in a minute ever do anything to harm a child of any age but these attractions at times seem to just consume and I can't think of anything else besides very very young children. Its like I just want to get a grasp on it and not think about it all the time, yet I just cant and I am obsessed with young children. Am I alone in these feelings? I must not be if they have a definition for this attraction. I mean I go into a grocery store and can get aroused by the packages of diapers with babies on the covers, its like geez get a grip ben.

I don't think you're alone Ben. Certainly I think Anonymousandy shares your feelings. I get the impression that among paedophiles the rate of attraction increases with the age of the child, so attraction to younger children is (I assume) less common.

You're not alone, man. I have the most attraction to boys ages 1-5, so I guess I could be considered a nepiophile, too-- but honestly, I don't really need even more labels beyond pedophile, that's bad enough. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's had or has trouble in the diaper aisle. Never thought anyone else would think of that, too, besides me. lol

I know it's not easy and I wish I had more answers about why we are like this. However, what has so far worked for me was just learning to know it's there but not continually focusing on it, whether by beating myself up over the feelings or, on the other end, unhealthily obsessing about kids, and learning that there are things besides little kids to make me happy and fulfill me and finding those things has worked for me some. However, I can only assume my nepiophilia will be there forever so there's no use pulling my hair out over it. I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not "only" a nepiophile but a lot of other good things, too. I've kind of just learned to live WITH it and not AGAINST it. I just try to stay within my safe boundaries, use my support system, and always stay on the healthy and legal side of things (or just avoiding kids all together, as much as possible) and it makes life a lot easier for me and I can live a relatively normal life.

Are you around kids a lot and could that be why you think about it so much? Don't get me wrong, I think about kids daily, but since I'm not around them so often I don't have fuel for that fire, even if it does stay lit.

Good luck, bro. Feel free to PM me if you need (although I might not have the best answers, just my own).

I am not around young children that much but once in awhile I am and find that I am always on edge and uncomfortable when I am around children. Nobody really knows about my attraction but I am sure that maybe some might have a clue or what not. I find that it is much better for me to not be around children. Family reunions are the hardest because my cousins all have kids that are under 5 and kids jumping on me and wanting to sit on my lap and I feel so weird and my heart races and I try to avoid getting aroused becuse it would be really hard to try and tell people why I am getting aroused when a 4yo girl is siting on my lap. I have tried to avoid family gatherings because I sometimes feel like I will give into the lust I have for the children in my family, yet family members talk me into going. So I just find that I masturbate a few times before I go to a gathering and that usually always helps me into not being so aroused with the children present.

Sometimes I wish so badly that I wasn't this way and that I was normal.

Blben wrote:I am always on edge and uncomfortable when I am around children.

I can relate to this, I'm always on edge and uncomfortable around kids, too. Strangely, I can even feel uncomfortable around minors of an age that don't even "trigger" me. I think it could be the simple fact that they are minors, and the stuff I've learned in treatment and/or in society in general has "brainwashed" me to think and feel that I am uncontrollable and will do something at the drop of a hat, whether I will or not in reality.

I sometimes find myself trying to just relax a little and realize that I'm not that monster, and maybe I, in fact, don't need to shop at Walmart at 2 in the morning to be safe like everyone tells me. I think I'm going the other direction now and learning that I can trust myself to be safe, too, provided I keep my good boundaries and continue with my safety rules and whatnot, and don't necessarily need to treat myself like an uncontrollable monster. I think sometimes I need to remember that what I think about/imagine isn't bad, it's what I do that matters, and I don't need to beat myself up for the occasional thought that crosses my mind when I am shopping. I feel like when we keep thinking about it trying to avoid it we actually make it stronger. "What we resist persists," as the saying goes.

I think a lot of the on edge and uncomfortable feelings can come from our tension about what we think we might do or what we think others are thinking about us, whether or not they even are thinking it. I've noticed I tend to imagine what people are thinking ("That man looked at my kid for 2 seconds! He must be a pedophile!") when in reality most people are clueless about anything outside of their "bubble," really. What I mean is that people don't automatically think about or even care about us in everyday events, and therefore a lot of stuff doesn't even register to them.

Blben wrote:I find that it is much better for me to not be around children.

Me, too. It stinks: I feel I relate way better with and feel more comfortable around kids than I do with adults (when I'm not obsessing about who might beat me up or if I'll get an erection, and I'm comfortable and relaxed), and yet I'm forced to stay away. It's a damn shame. But I guess if that's what needs to happen to protect kids I can do it. I only wish that people saw that part of me. The one sacrificing a lot of happiness and other things to keep kids safe.

Blben wrote: So I just find that I masturbate a few times before I go to a gathering and that usually always helps me into not being so aroused with the children present.

Not a bad idea. I've done that before. Can you ask politely to the parents that you don't want them crawling over you when they begin next time? Say they're getting too heavy or something nice like that, maybe. lol I know how you feel though, my nephews crawl on me, too, and my sister has asked me before if I'm "okay" with that (i.e. does it "trigger" me). Awkward!

I think that's a great post Andy; excellent advice.

Sorry to hear that you're finding it tough at the moment Ben. Hang in there, and try to be kind to yourself. I'm sure everyone with some kind of problem wishes they were normal at times. For people with paedophilia and other socially-unacceptable 'problems' it may be especially difficult because it is harder to talk about how you feel. But there are people here who understand what you're going through.

I know that all this was posted a long time ago, so maybe no one will read this, but speaking as an outsider, a female who does not have this problem, I just want to say that I sympathize and I think it's incredibly admirable that you suppress your nepiophilia/pedophilia so as to not hurt children.

There is a good chance I was molested as a baby, but the difference between you men and the man who may have molested me was that his actions were more about power than simple attraction. He was a sociopath; the kind of person who enjoys molesting children because they're powerless.

In comparison, you're great people who fight your urges where lesser people would give up and where despicable people would take advantage. You deserve to forgive your private thoughts and are commendable for seeking help and being honest with yourselves, because no one's private thoughts are as decent as they'd like to admit.

Yusada wrote:I know that all this was posted a long time ago, so maybe no one will read this, but speaking as an outsider, a female who does not have this problem, I just want to say that I sympathize and I think it's incredibly admirable that you suppress your nepiophilia/pedophilia so as to not hurt children.

Those are kind words, Yusada. Most people want us dead (preferably after protracted torture), irrespective of the fact that we haven't acted on our attraction. It baffles me how people who don't act on their attraction in order not to cause harm could be somehow more worthy of death by torture than people who want to inflict said death by torture. Hmm.

Yusada wrote:There is a good chance I was molested as a baby, but the difference between you men and the man who may have molested me was that his actions were more about power than simple attraction. He was a sociopath; the kind of person who enjoys molesting children because they're powerless.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm sure you know, but there is a very supportive section of this website for victims (or possible victims) of sexual abuse. Not that you're not welcome here, of course! Personally I think it's a complete myth that paedophilia is about ('about') power; I always feel very powerless when I'm in the company of a young girl who I feel strongly attracted to. I could never hurt a child, and so 'resisting' is made easy by the fact that they can't reciprocate in the way I would want them to (in my fantasies at least). This site is very supportive, by society as a whole offers no sympathy, which I think it misguided. Surely the last thing you want to do to people attracted to children is make them isolated, depressed, misanthropic and full of hatred for society?

Yusada wrote:In comparison, you're great people who fight your urges where lesser people would give up and where despicable people would take advantage. You deserve to forgive your private thoughts and are commendable for seeking help and being honest with yourselves, because no one's private thoughts are as decent as they'd like to admit.

That is very astute and compassionate of you. I wish more people were as open-minded.

i forgot incest as well, pedophilia really makes that one awkward for me

they disapproved the HUGE main body of my post, explaining my experience on what happened to me to lead me to be the way i am, but approved the little snippet i added at the end. said it was fictionand triggering i guess?... thought this was a place of healing like a support group? am i wrong?