Is this pedophilia, OCD, or something else?

Hey everyone,
I am struggling a lot right now I really need help with figuring out if I have pedophilia or not.

Sorry this is long but I really appreciate your help, as I really need it.

I'll start by saying all through my childhood (3rd to 8th grade) I was girl crazy. I was always chasing girls and always had a crush on atleast one at a time. When I got to high school I stopped getting crushes for the most part. I originally thought this was normal because I figured crushes are more for younger kids. I never lost my physical attraction to girls, to this day I still find them attractive. However, I just lost interest in girls for the most part. I stopped trying to impress them, stopped chasing/pursing them and just overall lost interest in girls (not physically, emotionally. For example in 8th grade if I saw a cute girl I would want to go over and talk to her and get to know her, now when I see a cute girl I acknowledge that she's cute but don't really have any desire to go and talk to her or get to know her.) I don't know if this is normal, and I will eventually become interested in dating again, or if this is part of the potential pedophilia that I have.

At about the same time this started happening, I started to develope an interest in children. Not a sexual interest. It all started in 10th grade when my friend asked me to help coach his brothers 6th grade basketball team. I agreed and when I started coaching in the league I met a lot of the kids in the league. After meeting these kids I thought they were really cool and I wanted to be a role model for them and wanted them to look up to me and think I was cool. The way I used to try and impress girls, I was trying to impress these kids. It was as if I was getting crushes on them instead of girls, without the sexual part but I did get the butterflies feeling around them. However, it did seem that the kids I tried to impress were cute kids. I really wanted to be a role model for them. I would think about it often and think about the kids often and I would daydream about being a huge basketball star and having the kids look up to me. As I have said, I never had sexual thoguhts about them, ever. However, at one point I realized that I stopped caring about girls and I was wondering why I cared so much about being a role model for kids. I figured high schoolers shouldnt really care about being role models and having younger kids think you're cool. So I started thinking of reasons why I cared so much. I had heard of pedophiles but I dismissed that because all I thought it was was people who had sex with kids and since I had never done that or even thought about it I said that's not what I have. But, I looked it up online just to be sure and when I read about it saying a sexual prefercne and abnormal interest in children, I became really freightened. I started thinking I had pedophilia for sure. I was really upset for a couple weeks, I started picturing the kids naked in my head to see if I was attracted to them and I had a hard time being able to tell. After a couple weeks I finally convinced myself that I didnt have pedophilia and I went back to feeling normal and trying to be a role model. This happened 3 years ago and it seems to go in cycles. There will be a two week period where I am depressed because I am convinced I have pedophilia and then I'll snap out of it and feel fine for months, until it happens again.

I read your post on POCD vs. Pedophilia and a lot of describes me. I have *******ated to the thought of these kids naked to test my reaction and I really can't tell. Sometimes it feels like I enjoy it and other times not, I really can't tell. I will read endless amounts of articles online until I finally convince myself I don't have peodphilia, but then I may read something else that makes me feel like I do. I also have the symptoms of POCD where I get scared of many other things too. In middle school I was terrified that I had testicular cancer. In high school I was sure I had a brain tumor and made my parents take me to the hospital. Also in middle school I was convinced I had AIDS and was extremely worried about that. So much of what was in your post describes me for POCD except for where you say people with POCD are scared of kids and don't like being around them. That's obviously not the case for me as I really do enjoy being around kids.

I go in phases, there will be points where I am convinced I have pedophilia and then there will be points where I know I don't have it and I just enjoy kids and nothing more. There is a part of me that feels deep down I don't have pedophilia and it's just my mind thinking I do. But there is a different part of me that feels I definitely do have pedophilia and I am just lying to myself because I don't want to believe that I have such a terrible disease.

One thing that helped me to be at ease is that over the summer my friend and I coached a 6th grade baseball team (thats what I like, coaching and being a role model to kids, but sometimes I feel like I may be sexually attracted.) One of the mothers was having a pool party for the team and invited me and I declined. I honestly didnt want to go. I wanted to hang out with my friends instead, which made me feel good and I figured if I was a true pedophile I would have taken the opportunity to see kids in bathing suits. Even though I declined, I still feel I may be turned on to see kids like that. I should also point out that I have been a camp counselor for 3 years for 8 and 9 year olds. I have never had the urge to do anything to those kids and to be honest I usually kick them out when they try and sit in my lap. But again, sometimes I try and picture them naked I can't tell if I am attracted to it or not, sometimes I feel like I might be.

I should also mention that outside of this potential pedophilia I am a very normal kid. I played baseball and football and basketball in high school. I have a ton of friends who I always hang out with and I come from a normal house.

The thing I want most in life is to be married and have children of my own. Being a dad is the ultimate goal for me. When I see a father and son at a baseball game I get excited of the thought that that could be me in the future. I have a baby cousin now, and I am excited to take him to games, movies, and play sports with him when he's older. But there is a part of me that is also worried I may end up being sexually attracted to him.

One other thing I should say is the kids I think about most are the same kids I started coaching, they are now freshman in high school and I am a freshman in college.

It is clear that I have a huge interest in kids, but what I need help with is deciding whether that interest is normal and I just enjoy children or if I do have pedophilia and this interest is abnormal.

Sorry this is so long but I can't thank you enough for all your help.
Thanks so much.
Edit/Delete Message

Hi kidcudi14 and welcome to the forum.

I’m definitely not an expert in OCD/POCD, but from reading a little bit about it – on this site and elsewhere – and from what you’ve said in this post, it sounds more likely that this is the case for you.

Remember, pedophilia is about having a sexual attraction towards children. So, let's take some quotes from your post:

kidcudi14 wrote:Not a sexual interest.

kidcudi14 wrote:without the sexual part but I did get the butterflies feeling around them.

kidcudi14 wrote:As I have said, I never had sexual thoguhts about them

kidcudi14 wrote:I started picturing the kids naked in my head to see if I was attracted to them and I had a hard time being able to tell

kidcudi14 wrote:I have never had the urge to do anything to those kids

kidcudi14 wrote:But again, sometimes I try and picture them naked I can't tell if I am attracted to it or not, sometimes I feel like I might be.

All I can say to you is that if you were sexually attracted to them, im pretty sure you’d know about it. It’s not something that I ever “decided” upon, I just knew it, through and through.

kidcudi14 wrote:I have *******ated to the thought of these kids naked to test my reaction and I really can't tell. Sometimes it feels like I enjoy it and other times not, I really can't tell.

That’s interesting. Even after doing this you still say you’re not sure - which is another indicator that you're not a pedophile from what i can see. If it helps, i can assure you that I didn't have to 'test the water' to see if i enjoyed masturbating to thoughts of them or not. The way it works is, you find yourself sexually aroused by thoughts of kids, and then masturbate to them (to try and get rid of those thoughts for one thing). So, as with the quotes above saying that your not not aroused by them, I think it’s good evidence that you’re not a pedophile.

Just as an anecdote, when I was a teenager I tried a self-imposed conditioning program where I would mix masturbating to adult porn with making myself throw up whenever I thought about a kid. It didn’t work, but I found that I was able to reach orgasm by looking at adult porn, even though it did absolutely nothing for me in the arousal department and – to be honest – found it a bit gross to look at. But that’s the point, masturbating is a physical thing that has an inevitable final result, you could potentially masturbate to anything – even inanimate objects - and still reach orgasm, not because it has anything to do with your sexuality but that it’s a physical process of stimulation.

kidcudi14 wrote:But there is a part of me that is also worried I may end up being sexually attracted to him.

That’s not really how it works in my opinion. You don’t ‘become’ sexually attracted to them just because you might have some sort of non-sexual interest in them, it really happens the other way around. I knew from very early on that kids younger than me were all that aroused me, not kids my own age and certainly not adults. So, just because you have taken a non-sexual interest in a kid who you happen to like and enjoy spending time with and being a role-model for, doesn't mean that you'll then develop a sexual attraction to him. It’s there from the beginning and doesn’t go away and I don’t believe for a second that you’ll ‘grow’ into being a pedophile later on in life just from being around them.

kidcudi14 wrote:But, I looked it up online just to be sure and when I read about it saying a sexual prefercne and abnormal interest in children, I became really freightened

Again, this kinda sounds like POCD from what I’ve read. That you might be worried that your strong interest in kids is ‘abnormal’ and that the supposidly 'abnormal' interest in children then - subsequently - means that you’re a pedophile. But that’s a bit of a logical trick, like you hinted at when you said:

kidcudi14 wrote:There is a part of me that feels deep down I don't have pedophilia and it's just my mind thinking I do.

I think you should go with your gut instinct on this one. Anyway, taking an interest in kids isn’t the same as being sexually attracted to them, which you’ve repeatedly said you’re not. Hence, why - judging by what you’ve said - I don’t personally believe you’re a pedophile.

kidcudi14 wrote:it did seem that the kids I tried to impress were cute kids.

Hehe, well, loads of people think kids are cute and adorable, that’s not abnormal at all.

kidcudi14 wrote:This happened 3 years ago and it seems to go in cycles.

Again, it sounds a bit reminiscent of POCD in my non-expert opinion. There’s not really anything cyclical or ‘phase’ related to pedophilia from what I can tell. I don’t phase in and out of having a sexual attraction to them, it’s just there all the time - unfortunately. *sigh*

kidcudi14 wrote:I really do enjoy being around kids.

kidcudi14 wrote:I really wanted to be a role model for them.

kidcudi14 wrote:The thing I want most in life is to be married and have children of my own

It sounds to me that this is your real interest in kids and not a sexual one. You sound like a decent guy and I'm sure they do look up to you. I’m sure you’ll be a great role model for them and a great father. Go with it dude and enjoy it! It’s something I’ll never be able to do, so please do make the most of it.

I hope that was helpful to you. All the best.

p.s.

kidcudi14 wrote:such a terrible disease.

Thanks for that lol.