My boring story

Hi! I'm 29 years old dude. First of all, thanks for reading this. This is the first time in my life i write or tell something about all this $#%^ and i am a bit nervous hehe Its my life you know.. hope you understand. Also i am spanish so my english could be a bit 'robotic' sometimes, my excuses.

Well then , when i was 5 or 6 years, some people in my school used to force me to show my genitals and penis and then laugh to me. I still have like screenshots in my memory of this, like recorded you know? Then when i was like 9 or so i eventually started showing by myself i suppose to gain attention.. i don't know. I had homosexual relations with a friend multiple times, across years, maybe from 10 to 14 years or so. I also remember to have sexual-plays with 2 girl friends, also with a girl cousin. Also remember one night a male cousin and me masturbate each other in his house.

I also remember an angry father. He was doing cocaine and i knew that several years after he left the house. He cheated my mother, she told me years later. Also i remember he used to beat me in nonsense situations several times in my life. Anyway, always was 3 or 4 punches and never made me blood or anything like that. But he was - and i suppose he is - a violent man.

That was it. When i entered puberty my father left and i don't remember having any sexual fixation in that time. Notice that there was no Internet in that time. I had some girlfriends since my 15 years, we played but my first heterosexual relation with penetration was with 16 or 17 years old. Never tend to cheat on my relationships. Also i remember smoking Hash (like marihuana) all my life, i still do. I experimented also with several drugs like LSD, speed, cocaine.. I had lots of friends in those times, and i was one more in the crew you know.

I have a 8 year relationship now, with a beautiful woman of 25 years old. We are engaged and i want to be with her, she's fantastic and we're just complementary. I made a mistake several years ago, i ###$ a 40-something divorced woman in a crazy night, but i was sorry in the very next day and never cheated again. of course never told her, don't wanted to ruin the whole thing because a stupid mistake.

Well, nowadays i usually consume a lot of porn. I'm webapp developer in the same company for 6 years so i live and work in Internet. I have no need to go to office so i can work from home. I spend some euros in camgirls, memberships, i don't know, in girls i suppose. I'm also Internet expert so i developed some applications that crawl content of my tastes from the Internet, usually related with faces (yeah, i know...). I love the face of a sexy girl, her lips or teeth. I usually find sexy a certain type of uglyness. I am indeed very selective about content, that reflects my perfectionism in other areas in my life, like work. I have a fixation with face/mouth/tongue, but i also get excited with many other things: anal, big tits, small tits, girl masturbation.. While i had homosexual experiences in the youth, never dig in Internet for this type of porn or related but i must admitt that i'm very dirty minded about sex, with pain involved. More 'role-played' that real but still pain i suppose. I'm very sensitive person you know, i feel lots of love for my people and never would harm them on purpose. But, sex plays for me involve anal, bitting, very soft asfyxiation, spiting, never in a degrading way but always that violent 'touch' is the thing that turns me on.

Also i must say that i have a healthy sex relation with my girlfriend. We have lots of fun on bed but, as in all the areas in my life, i tend to use my persuasion hability with words to get what i want. In my work is the same. I use my words to give logic to my argumentation, true or not. And i always make it work. I have a deep sense of analytics.

Anyway, the result of this life i am living is that i am a guy that usually uses porn several times a day if i am alone at home. I use it as an escape for my work and is deeply rooted in my life. I'm happy with my life and i want to make a happy family. I know the father and the man i want to be, and i feel like my sexual behaviour could in some matter ruin other things in my life that i care more of.

Taking into account that i cannot get far away from my computer (i live from Internet), and well, knowing the sexual me a bit better that any other person, any of you have a tip about how could i handle my situation?

Many thanks for reading my boring story, sorry again for my english and take care!

There's a sexual addiction forum on psychforums - that might be the best place for this thread. Personally I think if you can't change your situation (working from home), then you should tackle the urge. Boost your general sense of calm and well-being through doing plenty of sport, reduce or give up anything that may contribute to anxiety levels (too much caffeine, alcohol, nicotine) and give up the hash (which may be concealing anxiety but not really helping it). Take a look at your life and whether you are really content - you may just be the type of guy who is easily bored.