Need help with my Pedophilia

Hi, i was hoping it would not come to this but the way things are recently this seems the only choice.
I'm 15 and for about 3 years now i have known i was probably but now am convinced I'm a pedophile and i hate it, i have problems controlling myself not to masturbate to pictures of boys around 3-11 wearing nothing but underwear, of course this discusts me but my mind knows its the only thing i can masturbate to. I know i would never in my life abuse a child but as i get older the word 'never' seems a bit meaningless.
In January i wasn't coping with my condition very well and it was building up inside me until i finally told my mum what i was and she surprisingly accepted it and moved on, it sounds rather harsh but i dont get to talk to her much as i only see her on weekends and i dont get much time alone with her to discuss it, i dont blame her though as it is a sensitive subject but her best advice to me was to never act on urges and to wait it out to see if i still have these feelings towards young boys, the advice to never act on my urges has so far been sucsesfull but temptation seems to be surounding me, but the advice to wait it out i just cant see myself changing my ways, as much as i would want to.
A normal thing that happenes in my group of friends is that some of us gain new friends and introduce them to the rest of us and we always welcome a new member really as we are all quite alike, several months ago unfortunatly, a new boy form second year joined us and became friends with us all, this was a really bad thing as i knew from the moment i saw him i was attracted to him because of his young 10 year old looking face, this has been getting worse however over the last week because he has started to gain a liking to me in a friend way and horrible fantasies pop in my head which include him and i feel terrible for doing so.
Last week was also horrible as the subject of homosexuality seemed to pop up everywhere, on television, in school classes, around town and mostly in conversations with my friends. last week i asked them during one of these conversations "if someone gay liked you would you want them to tell you?" as this seemed like a perfecly normal question most of them answered with 'yes' which worried me a bit, but at that time i didnt feel like bursting out with my secret.
The answers i got made me start thinking about what i should do but it wasnt enough to get me on one of these websites, what got me here was thinking i got caught by my brother masturbating to half naked boys as i do and him acting as if he saw nothing which i doubted at the time but he seems compleatly normal so i guess i got a lucky escape, but what if he DID see what i was doing? what then? i decided it was too risky to find out and now here i am.

All i think i need is a few questions answered for now, i just wanted to tell my side of the story and hoped you all understand.

Should i tell my friends what i am?
Should i tell the boy how i feel?
How can i control my urges?
What should i do next? see therapist? wait it out? tell the world?

thanks for reading.

You sound distressed. It can be very hard for young pedophiles, hang in there. You seem to be doing well so far

Should i tell my friends what i am?
Should i tell the boy how i feel?
How can i control my urges?
What should i do next? see therapist? wait it out? tell the world?

Don't tell your friends you're a pedophile. It can be hard to keep it inside, but you probably don't want your whole circle of friends knowing this. If there's one or two friends you're especially close with, you may be okay to tell them, but remember that once they know it they know it forever. If they have a change of heart about you they could potentially get you into some trouble.

As to the boy... he's a sophomore? That means he's your age, right? If he's within a couple years of you and you think he wouldn't react negatively, go for it. You might even have a shot

Controlling your urges - there's no magic bullet, you just have to practice self-control. If you feel you need help with this, you could get on SSRIs which will dull your sex drive, but I doubt it's necessary. Images of boys in their underwear are also generally legal to look at, FYI.

Your next move is up to you. Seeing a therapist can help with problems associated with pedophilia, but will not change your attractions to young boys. Waiting it out, well, I'd say it isn't likely to go away but you never know. Don't tell the world, that's just a bad idea.

Thanks Borgesius, your advice did help a bit, I don't think i could burden my friend though about my feelings towards him and if he did have slight problems with it im not sure if he would even speak to me. Of course this makes me sad to know i can't tell him anything and i will have to live with this for another two years at least, unfortunatly my friends can see right through me and can tell im upset about somthing and won't stop bugging me, i told them to leave it and that it's nothing of their concern but they only want to help, but they dont even know half the story.
I am getting a little edgey about this whole thing as well, my dad and brother seem to be picking up on this, the fact i wont show my brother what is on my computer screen is concerning him, and my dad is teasing me every time a girl in my year's name comes up he goes on about "do you like her?" i know he is just joking but i can seem to find the words when he asks "why not?" i dont want to insult the girl at all so when it takes me a few seconds to think of a reply it seems too late and he smiles at me and says things like 'she seems nice' and 'i think she likes you' and i can't help but snap at him and this has happened about three times now, i think he is suspicious. Usually parents are the first to turn to when problems like mine turn up, but i know my Dad too well to know this is a terrible idea, he makes it rather clear when pedophiles are mentioned on the news how much he despises them and how he wonders "how any human being can be like that". i just wanted to make it clear he is NOT one to turn to.
As for my sex drive that seems to have calmed down, im going to try my best not to be overcome by these feelings, but i still feel quite annoyed with myself for just liking boys in underwear and also quite ashamed.
I've decided i will probably not see a therapist as the only reason i wanted to do so was to get rid of my attraction to boys and considering you said it will not, i dont think it is worth the money i dont have and the time acquiring it.
It's a lot to decide on in one day but to be honest I've never had a longer day in my life!

Hi anonymous112,

wow that sounds like a lot to deal with - it sounds exhausting. I think that you're having to deal with two (quite separate?) things - on the one hand you're attracted to people of the same sex and that is a very difficult experience for anyone in a variety of different countries and cultures because it's 'different'. Most people are straight, and so it's really common for people to assume that everyone else is straight too. I think that part of the distress you're feeling could be due to this, as well as being attracted to younger boys. I know lots of people who struggled with exploring their sexuality - feeling 'wrong' or shame, or feeling 'weird' because they didn't feel the same as their friends, or the way people expected them too (like your dad asking about how you feel about girls).

On the other hand you're worried about being attracted to young boys - and again this is something that a lot of people have a difficult time dealing with. But I was wondering, sexuality is fluid and its a changing thing that grows and develops as you do. Will the boys you're attracted to age as you do? By that I mean, you're 15 years old now and masturbate over pictures of boys as close as four years younger than you (you stated up to 11 years old). Do you think that maybe when you get older and you are a young man, that you'll find younger men attractive? Maybe you'll be 25 and like an 18 year old? Or 30 and like a 20 year old?

Just a thought

Hi Openmind2011,

Thanks for the response it has got me thinking. Although I'm not sure if my attraction will ever shift as i age, i hope to god your right, i never like being critisised and if pedophilia was one less thing to deal with when im older then i wouldn't feel so stressed. Which brings me on to my next point of asking to anyone...
Is it normal to have rapid mood swings? I mean yesterday was not too bad when all morning i felt great because i had Borgesius' advice lodged in my head but as soon as luchtime came about (and so did the boy im attracted to) i felt terrible like everyone was laughing in my face, of course, they wern't but i still felt horrible until i got home i felt ok again, but then an hour later i felt terrible.
Today was even worse though in the morning i was so depressed that i came to school an hour early because i hoped that one of my friends might of caught the early bus to school and would be there to take my mind of depression, but they wern't, i was sitting alone for about half an hour when someone turned up asked me how i was (which results in a lie of "fine") and continued on their phone, on a normal day i wouldn't mind this but for some reason it DID bother me and because i take some lessons in different schools it was then when i had to leave and catch a bus. On the bus i was furious, i think mainly with myself but to calm myself down i did this finger exersise where i touch my thumb with each finger on the same hand but touch the thumb twice with my index and little finger, this worked suprisingly well as it was rather difficult and it took my full concentration to do, of course somthing went wrong again and i ended up becoming a master of this technique which means i can do it without thinking about it.
After that i then became stressed and edgey, which lasted though most of the day until i ended up at the end of the day feeling depressed, i thought that if i had somthing to do then i wouldent feel this way but at home i have nothing to do, i practicly stare at the computer screen begging it to tell me i have a response on this website. I had a brainwave then and decided to stay on in school for another hour and a half doing corsework, but i'm a clever kid (in school), i'm almost finished all of it but i still have 4 weeks left, so what i do after is a mystery.
I hate to whine and moan but doing this helps a lot in calming me down, i just have one more question...
when stressed do you eat less? i'm asking this as im concerned about how much im eating recently today i have only had a small slice of cake, half a fish fillet and a potatoe waffle, and i feel full and sick at the same time, i just wanted to know if this is normal is all.

Thanks for reading

Hi anonymous112,

Everyone has ups and downs, and sometimes those can be more frequent or seem more extreme than we are used to. I'm not surprised that you are feeling stressed and depressed because you sound like you are dealing with a lot of things at the minute. Feeling down, and feeling stressed can both affect your appetite.

You might feel a bit better if you could find something to occupy yourself with at home - something that might lift your mood a little bit and distract you from your stressful worries and thoughts. what sort of things (that don't relate to the stressful things in your life) do you enjoy doing? If you can't think of anything, did there used to be things that you enjoyed? Eg. music, tv, films, reading, drawing, painting, sports... Finding something that you enjoy could be a useful distraction, help you feel better about yourself and they can be a mood booster too (especially exercise). Food can also affect your mood - try to eat regularly even if you don't feel like it. It's important to look after yourself, because each time you do you're saying to yourself that you deserve to be looked after and cared for.

Hey anonymous112,

First off, I’ve gotta say I like the amount of detail you put into your posts, it’s almost like an episodic story unfolding! And don’t worry about whining and moaning, if it calms you down and helps you out then you go for it. Apologies for the long reply, but you wrote quite a lot and i haven't even commented on everything i wanted to.

You’re not alone with this. I really wish I could say something massively encouraging and tell you everything’s gonna be fine, but you seem like a smart person so I won’t pander to you. It’s tough, and it’ll continue to be tough, but I reckon you’re making a good start by talking about it on here. (I wish I had somewhere like this when I was your age).

I’m impressed you told your mum about it and I’m glad that she reacted with such a cool head. She may well be thinking along similar lines to openmind2011, that you’ll kinda ‘grow out of it’. It didn’t happen for me, but you might be lucky and i hope you are. But if not, it’s not the end of the world. Dyou think you will talk to her about it in any more detail?

Your Dad sounds a bit like mine in the sense that he keeps asking why I haven’t got a girlfriend and settled down yet, and I’m running out of excuses now. And yeah, every anti-pedo comment I hear still hurts, no matter who’s saying it! But i try to remind myself that they're not talking about me (or you), they don't even know we exist, they're talking about criminals who've done something awful, and that's a different kettle of fish. You’re Dad sounds like he just wants what's best for you though, and lots of people don’t even have that, so I guess you’re lucky in some ways (even if unlucky in another way).

Yes, temptation will surround you. Yes, nothing is ever 100% certain. Yes, other people’s comments (and the cultural impression of pedophilia in general) might make you think awful things or have distressing emotions. That’s gonna happen and continue to happen, but you seem to be dealing with it reasonably well so far (much better than i did), so keep it up, keep working at it and don't give up.

I’ll try and answer your questions but remember, I’m on here because I’m struggling with it too and don't have the "right" answers. At the very least, I found it comforting to know other’s were out there. It was relieving to speak to them and get feedback and I hope it is for you too.

Anyway:

Should i tell my friends what i am?
Should i tell the boy how i feel?

These two go together with the risk of reprocussion. If you’re still at school, you’d be exposing yourself massively to something that you won’t be able to avoid. I had a friend at school who came out as homosexual the week after we left. He’d kept quiet to avoid the inevitable backlash he would have been subjected to if he’d admitted it whilst still a student. I remember wondering how much worse it would have been to admit to being a so-called 'pedophile' if homosexuals were too scared to come out! But I guess that depends on what school you go to.

How can i control my urges?

It’s different for everyone. I know it’s quite a personal thing to say, but if you can masturbate over legal materials without getting caught by your brother or anyone else, then do so. It’s the best way to keep things under control, a katharsis as such, to help return the inner ‘urges’ back into balance, to tame them, and so on. Stay away from the drug route, it’s a cop out. Finding the strength to fight temptation has to come from within you, not from a pill.

What should i do next? see therapist? wait it out? tell the world?

Therapy can't stop the urges and there is no 'cure' for this in general. So, as the Greeks would say, take the compromising middle path and avoid extremes (i.e. wait it out in this case). You’ve got a lot of figuring out to do and will need to ask yourself some tough questions (if you haven’t already). Again, chatting about it on here is a good start and your posts are pretty interesting anyway. See where this goes before launching down the route of either believing yourself to be psychologically defective or breaking down and confessing all, as both are extreme reactions that would only generate extreme responses.

Is it normal to have rapid mood swings?

Yeah. I didn’t know if they were either but it seems to be pretty common. It’s not surprising given what we’re having to deal with! Not to mention the extra hormonal/adolescent side of it which even drives heterosexual teens pretty nuts sometimes, so it’s bound to all add up and get on top of you. That’s normal in my book.
Personally, I’ve fluctuated about quite a lot, and still do. Though as i've got older the rapidness has slowed and become a bit more stable. I’ll go for months of being distracted by work/sports/reading and study/socialising etc and trying to forget about it, then nosedive into absolute devastation, depression and panic. But the down side of it doesn’t last long, just gotta keep busy I guess. So, the rapidity of your mood swings will likely stabilize with time, but everyone seems to have ups and downs. It's just a modern myth that people are linear and 'happy' all the time.

when stressed do you eat less?

Yup. I know it’s a lame answer and it’s not for everyone, but I used to get super stressed until I started physically training. Exercise and a good diet is the BEST thing for stress and all it’s associated gunge. Endorphins and the general heightened metabolism bring a sense of well-being chemically, not to mention the sense of achievement and confidence boost etc. And once you’ve been for a long bike ride or a run or climbing or whatever, you won’t think twice about shoving some grub in your gut!

So, yeah, once again, i don't really know what i'm talking about or have any definitive answers for you, but it's interesting reading your posts and if you get some comfort from writing them then please do. Take it easy dude.

Although I personally do not know anyone with pedophilia, my general advice to anyone is that if for any reason you feel you may lose control of your actions, go to a mental hospital. I know this sounds somewhat extreme to someone that has never been before, but there not that bad. Anyways its much easier to go to a hospital for a few weeks than to live with yourself after child molestation. Sexual are an extremely powerful part of any adult or adolescent mind, but try not to let it consume you. I understand this must be frustrating to be compelled to do things that are forbidden. Good luck, and Enjoy life.

Thank you for your replys, i did read openmind2011's and tlkproxy's reply before the weekend and found them both a bit relieving (i couldn't reply on the weekend as to having no internet).
Openmind2011 thanks for your advice on finding somthing to do, i knew this would definatly help forget about my problems, unfortunatly it was difficult finding somthing that dident remind me of my pedophilia, tv seemed to have unusualy large amounts of young boys on it, playing my Ds didn't seem satisfying anymore and my mind soon wandered back to young boys, watching the tv series Bones on my computer didn't work out as choosing two random episodes both contained child murders so i gave up on that and then on saturday my mum asked if i wanted to go out to town with her, feeling depressed at the time i thought it would be a good idea to take my mind of things, it didn't, all the way there the radio was on but i didn't listen to it my mind was elsewhere and my mum was very quiet. Driving into town i was looking out the window when, passing by, i saw a sign which all i could see with a quick glace said 'naked boy', i cant describe how it felt to see that so i'll use a smiley... , instantly i had to see it again, to be sure, doing this i discovered the sign said 'parking bay', this annoys me alot but i tried not to let it get to me. In town was no better because once again it seemed to be unusualy full of young boys which made me panic each time i saw one, but i got through it by singing music in my head and looking at the floor. This reminds me of another thing i tried to get my mind off things, listening to music, this didn't work because nearly every song had at least a bit of depression in it and because i was listening intently to the music, because i had nothing else to do, i then felt depressed myself, a song that deffinatly sucseeded in this was 'Savior' by 'Rise Against' because the lyris reminded me of some of the things people on this site have done to themselfs, it almost made me cry really, i definatly dont want to be like some of these people ( im not saying that in a bad way, i just want to end up so depressed i self harm).
Tlkproxy, thank you too for the advice you gave me, thank you for awnsering some of my questions too, although one of them i answered myself differently. I am refering to the question "when stressed do you eat less?" I am not saying your wrong as i can imagine you would tend to eat less when constantly thinking of somthing else, but i noticed that nearly my whole family has had problems eating too so it's probably a bug going around (i am still trying to eat a normal amount though). I have to apoligize to you as i decided not to discuss my stess and probelms with my mum, this was because it was her birthday wednesday and mothers day today, i just couldn't unload all my problems on her because i would feel so bad doing so, even if she had somthing relieving to say.
Wuggums47, thanks for the reply i do apriciate the the advice, but to be honest i don't think i will lose control and molest a child, maybe do somthing stupid like admit to being a pedophile in front of my friends, or fall into deep depression because i lie to everyone that i'm "fine", but i don't think i am capable of abusing a child, i dont even think i will take up drinking to ease the stress, i don't like alchohol . Same goes with smoking and drugs, i hate the thought of being addicted to a killer.
Thankfully this weekend has been very less stressfull for me being in a home far off in the countryside with no temptation. I decided this weekend that if i do need to masturbate weather it be to urges or stress relief i should lower the amount of times from around 11 a week to no more than twice. I have definatly calmed down since friday when i almost cried in front of the boy i like when he asked me if somthing was wrong, i found a tv series i like which doesn't remind me of my pedophilia, i did type it down but watching it made me edit that out (i forgot what it was like). Although i can't confirm if this week will be as calm as i hope it to be, so i got to ask:

'How can i deal with seeing the boy i like every day and knowing it will never happen?'
and
'How can i deal with being a pedophile for the rest of my life?'

Sorry for long post and thanks for reading,

I'm sorry for posting again but i feel i need to speak my mind, hopefully it will calm me down.

Today has been another seriously depressing day, i cant seem to remember not thinking about my pedophilia and it annoys me, i keep thinking discusting thoughts and i cant help myself, even though i did not see the boy i like today he was in my mind all day, my mind was wondering how he would react if i told him how i felt, of course due to deep depression the anwser it gave me was "urgh, no(in discust)" and me having no friends...
I also thought about what would happen if i told my closest friend what i was although i couldent make up my mind on weather she would pity me or despise me, because i have told her i was depressed she has felt bad for me and wants to help, i told her i couldent tell her and now i have a bad feeling she thinks it's somthing like I'm(just)gay or that i love her and i cant say because she has a boyfriend. So i decided today to tell her "if i ever try talk to you privetly, dont let me!" She agreeded on this luckily but im again worried if that has made the image of me worse in her head, i had to tell her this though because i knew if i wasnt coping well then i may tell her then regret it for the rest of my life.
it pains me to look out the bus window now when travelling to my other school, i dident really notice before but i pass three primery schools on my way there and of course there are many many small boys there and i cant help but look.the way im typing this kinda makes it look like i enjoy looking at small boys, I don't, i feel ashamed of what i do and what i am, but i cant stop the attracion i have. The day got worse today after getting back to my home town when i passed the park down the street of my estate which is the only way back to my house, it was full of children enjoying the early summer weather, one even had his top off so i looked at the floor and walked a lot quicker.
In one of my lessons i was suposed to be revising for my exam with my assigned partner but they were ill today, this meant i was sat alone in the corner "revising", of course i was not, i started feeling lonely and upset again and contemplated scaring somthing like 'pedo' or 'freak' on the back of my hand but the fear of losing all my friends stopped that happening, this time, im worried this will happen again but i might go through with it and risk discovery.
What annoys me most today was the fact that to control me depression i was thinking about myself being in a relationship with the boy i like, i know this will never happen ever but i seemed to cheer me up for a bit until sadening me again knowing full well i was being stupid thinking this, the thought though of me having a happy life with this boy was comforting for the short while it lasted.
The tv show i mentioned before has ran its course, ive ran out of episodes and they dident help me forget only distract me. I admit also that i could not resist the urge to masturbate yesterday, this usually seems meaningless but i am concerned as the usual legal pictures i use where not working and i had to result to a naked toddler, nothing was showing because he was lying down but it still worries me that i had to use this, I'm unsure now if these images are legal because im not very knowlagable in this subject so i need to ask.
I understand my questions in the last post where pretty tough and i realised that its not really for you to anwser, dont feel the need to anwser them, i know its what i should be asking myself. Life seems to be at its lowest and i feel more sad every hour, if anyone has anything encouraging to say then that would be great thanks,