POCD scaring the bejesus out of me

First let me say that I am 26 male and I have been interested and sexually aroused and happy with women my own age, few years younger, and older. I have never thought of sex with children, children in a sexual manor, seen child porn, tried to get it, fantasized about it or any of the above. Children or the thought there of has never aroused me. I do not sit around high child areas waiting for children or ever even thought about it.

I whenever I do self pleasure it is involving girls over 21. I am older not and 18 year olds kind of creep me out a touch. Missing some sort of mental connection on the relationship and therefore appeal level. It is normally very basic sexual desires, no real fetishes etc etc. I do like the woman to be an equal partner or a touch more dominant.

I have had a healthy maybe a little over active drive. It does not consume me and if it were not for travel and dental anxieties i probably would not have gone for therapy. I decided it was time for help for those and then this happened.

I never had to think about all this till I started taking zoloft and my dose was upped. A small dose made me guilty about things I did when I was ten. Nothing that criminal but my parents were not forth coming with the sexual knowledge and I was a late bloomer but when it hit boy did it hit hard. Did some things I feel horrid about. I am finally coming to terms with what I did and that I can not view past guilts through adult eyes and that it was natural for a child and innocent.

At first when the dose was upped I felt just evil, like bad evil for the first two days. After that I felt I was a pedophile though I generally avoid kids. I do not know how to deal with them. Again before they did not irk me or even cause me to pay any attention to them. I was only concerned with the cute jogging girls. I work at theater with kids classes, they live all down my block and never really raised an eye brow to them except for, "those darn kids are on the lawn". Again I sort of did not acknowledge them. Until recently I could not even acknowledge that they were adorable like a cat or a dog. We have four cats at our house that I love to death.

Does anyone know is zoloft can increase ocd? Thinking back now that it has increased I have always had it and dismissed it. I never thought I had it or realized it till now.

I have the typical omg i think i am a pedophile, running away from myself and kids etc etc symptoms. I am glad I found out about pocd. I thought I had magically become a pedophile after being normal and happy for so long. I am seeing one of my therapists tomorrow. I can not imagine child porn, but seeing kids sort of makes me sick at the moment. Like a girl falling over at the st pats parade, and her skirt flew up. It irked me for some reason. The only reason I noticed was she fell in front of me and i was waiting her to start wailing. I was not fixated on it by any means but the fact that I even noticed scared me to all hell. Generally even if what a kid is wearing or does I totally ignore it. Again not even on the radar of anything. Well except bad parents.

I am just worried how long it will take me to get back to normal. I feel like a monster and evil at moments and better at others. I just want to make sure I do not hurt anyone or myself. I have told my family and friends to make sure to stop me if they see me do anything strange. I never ever seclude myself with children or people unless i know them. its creepy and weird. I don't hug, kiss, hold, or in anyway touch kids. At the moment if one hugged my leg I would probably run down the street screaming, becuase I would be afraid that anything like that would turn me into a pedophile. I explained it to them and they were understanding to my surprise. I figured that I should be stoned for such fears or ocd thoughts. I just hope it is just ocd not that I have been a pedophile for years and never know it.

I am glad I found writings on POCD and calmed down a whole bunch.

Hi there. It does sound like you are just suffering from OCD.

To answer your question: yes, Zoloft and other anti-depressants can increase obsessiveness, especially when you first start them or increase the dose. These drugs affect everybody differently - some people get better on them, some people actually get worse. It's possible that the obsessions may go away once your brain gets used to the new dosage, and it's also possible that they may not. You should definitely discuss this problem with whoever prescribed you the medication, especially if it doesn't get any better soon. Don't stop / change the meds without talking to them first, of course.

Take care

Yeah I talked this out with my one therapist today. Not the one who prescribes the drugs but the one who i started seeing first. He definitely sees that I have ocd thought processes and I blow everything out of proportion and think its the end of the world. He sees it as the root of my anxiety.

I found for the moment to just focus on the ground or something else when kids are around. This seems to keep any thoughts at bay. Some young girls in swim suits on the walk home, just looked at the ground and walked past. It does nothing for me but it seems to wrong to even witness such a site I find it disturbing.

We talked about my childhood issues with sex etc etc and the guilt it caused and that it was nothing to really be guilty at. I was always thinknig what I did when i was ten or so, hell i cant remember exactly how old I was, defines that I will always be evil and that i should never ever have any happiness. Also how I cant view past through adult eyes etc.

We also talked How true sociopaths really do not have concern or remorse or always wonder if they are evil etc. How too many people think they are pedophiles when they have pocd. etc etc.

It was good to get it out there and he assured me that his views of me did not change etc as well. I am always scared of scarring people and staining the world. We shall see come Tuesday when I talk to my other therapist who prescribes me my meds. Man going through that again may be tough twice. Again i never over thought this stuff nearly this much, excluding with cars and dentists, till i went on this meds and it was upped.

Still keeping myself on a short leash just in case I really am whatever and I am not just imagining it. If I were a sociopath and did not know it, yeah that would cause me quite the mental break.

Its hard enough to realize I have OCD all these years and never realized it. Well mental ocd. Fleeting recurring thoughts that scare me, blowing every little flaw out of proportion, etc etc.

I just hope to get to a normal place and protect myself and anyone near me. It was a tough time but seems like it was a life changing event.

Well the doctor agreed that taking me off the zoloft is a good mood. Been on a lower dose two days and I am definitely feeling better.

She was afraid that I may have had a psychotic episode if i stayed on it. Again it seems the root cause of everything is a giant fear and paranoia of myself.

After I detox off of this for a few weeks she wants to start me on paxil. We shall see how that goes. I am considering getting a second opinion from another therapist. I want the meds to make me better. Not have delusion that I am an evil person and have me curl up into a ball every time a picture of a kid comes up or one runs by.

I have stopped viewing any porn and partaking in self pleasure. So far so good. Don't miss it. It's over been a week. Granted I did have a pleasurable intimate encounter with a close female friend of mine over the weekend. It was her idea, she took the lead, and she is 24 so I see no issues with it. Again never imagined anything but grown women in normal situations. I figure better safe then sorry and also find out how ingrained these behaviors are to me.

If nothing else I hope by sharing this it will help some one to better be able to talk with their therapist about similar issues.