Uncovering secrets and spiralling downwards.

Hey boys and girls of this wonderful haven of the internet.

You may or may not remember me (my guess is not as i wasn't here for long)
I had some dilemmas and issues i wanted a non-confrontational opinion on, they involved an obsession with "young girl model" images (Newstar, PR models etc)

Over the months of using the forum my mindset started getting more bleak and tragic with innocent fantasys of having sex with my younger cousins turning into full-out rape and kidnapping fantasys with classrooms of girls.
My taste in "imagery" declined accordingly.....

I left the forum to try and find a balance to see if i could ween it out. I moved onto Stickam stuff with JB chicks ######6 etc that did the job for maybe a month.
But of course the big black hole started to beckon again but this time with a nasty twist. My innocent "library" of images got more and more risque and organised. Now i dont know how secure this site is with what i can say because things have gotten quite illegal i dont think i should elaborate on that (you get the idea).

What was once a normal Hebephile has now devolved into something that i cant bear to type never lone admit.

I started to ponder why this happened and why it occurred so drastically. I came to a realization that i never really looked at before...... From the ages of about 5 to 13 me and my older cousin (who is male) would frequently have muted sex, i have always blocked it out and this is quite possibly the first time it has made it to wording. I dont think that i had ever initiated it but at the same time i dont think i was sexually abused its a very Grey area (Maybe you can enlighten me more on this area of my blurb)

So of course this had me questioning whether my sexual experiences from age 5 have something to do with this new monster inside me?

Any help would be appreciated to the bottom of my core because i have seen now what happens to people with the same ailment as me i need to get out of this.

f0rk

Hi Wolfparade (f0rk?),

I have not been here long myself, but reading your post made me feel that I had to respond.

Others may well have different or more expert opinions, but I have been in a similar position so perhaps it puts me in a good position to offer some insight - or at least insight from my own perspective having been in thrapy for several years.

I can certainly relate to the 'downward' spiral of imagery. I have been there, and served the time.

Two things jumped out at me immediately reading your post.

1. There is not a 'monster' inside you, nor I suspect is there anything new, apart from perhaps a change in your external actions as a way of dealing with your emotional state.

2. I have been through the very same issue with not feeling that I was 'sexually abused' as a child, although in my case for different reasons which I may feel able to share in due course. I have come to realise though that it is quite possible to be 'damaged' by childhood experiences, regardless of whether there was anything that would fit into a neat label like 'abuse'.

Having said that, I think many (the majority?) of children go through a sexual experimentation stage with siblings, friends etc. and I don't think that it has to necessarily cause any long term damage. However, the fact that you only now seem to have been able to recognise is suggests that it did have some long term impact on you. You don't say how much older your cousin was, which may well be relevant to the power balance in the relationship.

Oh, and by the way it is entirely possible to experience 'sexual abuse' as a child and not look back at it as an unpleasant experience. I am in that situation and something think I would find things easier if I had been beaten or raped in a way that I could clearly define as 'abuse', rather than the more pernicious 'corruption' that I can now see I experienced.

That is not to denigrate those who have been through that experience of course, and is almost certainly a fallacy of course, but I say it because I wonder if you may have similar thoughts about your experiences.

I'm afraid I don't believe there is some easy fix in terms of a pill you can take, or treament that will solve all your problems. However, I can certainly advise that you try and stop the risky behaviours that are almost certain to get you into legal trouble. I don't know what the laws are where you are, but in most places these days even 'Newstar' can be enough to cause you immense difficulty, even if it were not end up in a conviction.

I am not telling you flat out to stop it because CP is 'bad', because I feel you already know that and you clearly know it is illegal. The question you need to ask is perhaps more what role it plays in your life as a coping mechanism.

If you can start to see that, you may start to be able to find other, healthier coping mechanisms for the feelings that are driving your behaviour. I have found playing computer games a good outlet for me (its still quite acceptable to role play mass murder, go figure), as well as finding other outlets such as this forum or other totally unrelated ones where you can post and let off steam.

I would certainly suggest that you download a good file eraser and clear your computer properly.

Then perhaps make a concerted effort to look for legal outlets for your sexual desires - there is more than enough legal porn out there and while it may not have that same 'kick' it can fill a hole (no pun intended!)

I am sure other people will have their opinion but it sounds to me like you need to seek some form of therapy, or at least find a way of exploring your thoughts in a non judgemental setting.

Extreme fantasies are not (in my opinion) an indicator of real life danger, as long as you recognise them as just that - experiencing an alternative universe that has different rules (created by you), specifically so that you can explore things that you know can never happen in the real world.

I do understand your distress, and hope that you are able to find some assistance either here or elsewhere. It can be a long road but it is not entirely bleak and sometimes the journey can be a positive experience (god can you tell I've been in therapy lol)

Best Wishes

Hopeful

First of all thank you for such a good reply, i wish i could address everything you brought up but you have helped.

What i will talk about though is the "help" side of things where i can progress....
I have a issue with this first of all i dont know where to start with a problem like this, i went into a GP to try an get a recommendation for my suspected bipolar about a year ago and since i have heard nothing - it certainly makes your confidence in the whole system take a hit.

If i were to go back and tell them i need a Psyche for both my BP and Paraphilia, would they take me more seriously?

I know that help will make things better in a big way im just soo scared of confrontation especially with a topic like this. The internet is good because it frees me up a little to talk about it

Also how did you bring yourself click that delete button forever? for me my library is one of those things that keep me warm and happy.
They are girls i feel connected to, i dream of them and those countless sets are all little memories its just such an attachment it would be hard to bring myself to get rid of it.
I understand it can land me in alot of hot water but its soo god damn hard....

But thank you ever so much for your reply its given me something to ponder, i am just uncertain about how to initiate the first step.

f0rk <---(Psycheforums wouldnt let me use 0's in my name )

ps. if there was an online Psychiatrist that i could talk to it would change my life forever

Hi,

Glad you found something of use in my ramblings....

And I'm not trying to pretend that its easy to click that delete button, nor to claim that I managed it in one easy step.

However, perhaps I am lucky in that there is some (still) legal porn that I can turn to. Even so, I know that it will never quite have the 'buzz' of those early days when I first discovered such things. For me it was an escape from a real world life that had nothing for me. But I can also see that it was harmful in so many ways.

Experts may not agree, but I do believe there is a whiff of addiction about the downloading and storing of more images than could possibly be viewed at any one time. Maybe not in the direct sense of addict with things such as drugs, but perhaps in the same way as gambling can be an addicition - the buzz, whatever is actually happening chemically, is real enough.

I can also identify with your frustration and worry about the 'system' if/when you are brave enough to seek help. I have no idea what it is like in NZ, but here I waited 18 months. In my experience though, my GP was very helpful and understanding. It may well be the best place to at least explore what options may be available locally.

Having said that, opening that pandora's box and exposing a part of yourself to someone else in person can be incredibly difficult and stressful (and in some cases even dangerous). In my case, it took external circumstances (publicity) to force the issue. Looking back though I wish it had happened at least 10 years earlier, but either the help wasn't offered, or I wasn't able to seek it out.

I can't say what the best option is for you - but all I can say is that continuing to think about things is almost always better than avoiding them.

Hopeful

Hey f0rk and tryingtobehopeful,

You guys have said a lot of things I relate to and it’s so comforting to hear others have similar problems.

I read your posts in the other forum and I hope you weren’t put off by some of the responses. I feel as though I’m in the right place and I hope you do to. We need to share this stuff!

As for CP, I know exactly how you feel but I still agree with tryingtobehopeful. For me, when I started looking at this stuff it was all just nudity and erotics, but then the authorities shut those sites down and the only recourse my stupid adolescent mind had was to dig deeper, but the stuff I found was WAY worse. When I was your age I had a massive collection of stuff that I kept stored on several (lots) of discs, but over time I’ve steadily got rid of it. Partly because of the fear of it being discovered but also because I had started reading a lot about history, philosophy and the nature of ethics/morality. However much I wanted to keep it I couldn’t justify it anymore, I felt that it was tainting my parents house just by being there, that it was tainting me on the inside, not to mention the well-known message about the suffering that took place in order to produce it.

It took a while, but I managed to get rid of it a disc at a time, only keeping my favorite items from each disc and combining them with something less severe and more legal. Then, later on, I would go through the process again, keeping the favorites from those ones and getting rid of the rest, adding more legal and morally justifiable stuff into the mix. Eventually it got down to only a few files remaining with almost all of it being more suitable materials. By that stage I found it much easier to get rid of the last ones. Maybe this staggered approach to it could help you too?

I'd say keep the positive fantasies going. They need to be explored. I do all the time now because I tried to block them out by forcing them into the depths and stamping them out of my mind, but they would just resurface later more sinisterly. If you force them into the darkness they just seem to toxify. I tend to take a classical approach to this, that love can be divided into two areas, eros and passion. To oversimplify, passion is the darker stuff, the rampaging animal beast. Eros is about love, aestheticism, beauty, bonding, sensuality i.e. the human side. I’ve found that seeing my attraction as divided like this helps me to fantasize much more often about eros which is uplifting, light and benign and only occasionally delve into the Dionysian (a half man, half animal god of of drinking and faunication). You’ve gotta fantasize about those kind of severe things you mentioned sometimes, but as long as it’s balanced with a lot more lighter stuff. When I do, I just remind myself that I’m providing a catharsis for the animal side, so that it doesn’t overwhelm the eros. I don’t want that side let off the leash, so I give it just enough of what it needs but no more.

I know what you mean about feeling in danger about trying to seek help about this. Although I’m sceptical about psychotherapy in general, I did try to do some research on therapy/councilling for pedophiles in my area and I got up a whole bunch of articles up about how pedophiles had been chased out of their homes/streets/communities by the residents (some areas very close to where I live) even though they had served their time for past mistakes and were currently in therapy. The residents didn’t care, and some of the statements from them scared the s**t out of me!

I’ve heard horror stories about peeps like us going to a therapist, only to be turned away because they were deemed too disgusting for the therapist to deal with or the therapist notified the police behind their backs! Which I always thought was illegal for them to do, but this article said that they had used the ‘danger to the public’ clause. I really want help with this too but I’m too scared to seek help incase it backfires and I get a community backlash even though I haven’t done anything. I live in an area that isn’t exactly liberal and forwardthinking, and I’m pretty certain they’d go nuts at me regardless. As I read in an article a while ago “As for the claim that you’re a non-practicing pedophile, they’re hardly going to take your protestations at face value.” People on here seem to encourage us to seek therapy but the actual, physical world I live in does totally the opposite! I feel trapped.


As for seeking an online psych, I tried this recently and it went absolutely nowhere. She came back with a whole load of stuff that I’d already found out for myself and said nothing new or specific to my situation. When I questioned her about it she was dismissive and seemed cold. Waste of money! Sorry to be negative but I got my hopes up only to have them dashed, but you may have better luck, who knows.

For now, I think you should keep talking it over on here because I’m listening and I want to help and I’m sure others are too. If therapy is what you really feel that you need, then maybe we can give you support until you find a safe way of getting it.

I think it’s great that you’re letting what happened between you and your cousin make it into wording! The popular opinion would no doubt put it into the category of being sexual abuse. But the fact that you don’t think it was and consider it a grey area kinda suggests that you got something out of it? I don’t know, only you can say, but I know my own sexual experiences as a youngster (10-11) was something I got a lot of pleasure/stimulation out of, but then again there was no intercourse involved. As for how it affected your feelings now, I can’t see how it wouldn’t have had some sort of effect on you.

Evidence out there shows that someone who was molested or raped as a child won’t necessarily turn out that way themselves, even if their behaviours get a bit messed up, their actual attraction doesn’t always get fixated on youths. You seem to say that your’s has, so maybe it was the level of stimulation you got from those experiences that had an impact. Again, only you can say, but I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.