Advice is needed. I don't know what to do.

Hello all,

I'm glad to have found this site, as it seems like a good place to get advice on things that I would otherwise be mortified to talk to others about. Please bear with me me if what I'm about to say is completely disorganized - my thoughts are scattered. Since I've never before spoken about this, it will be hard to write everything out.

For as far back as I can remember, I have had a really weird fetish. I've always been turned on by the stomachs of other guys. One of my earliest memories was getting turned on as a toddler, while in the arms of a family friend as he held me at the beach. At the time, I didn't even know what an erection was...only that it felt good.

As the years went by, I paid little attention to the fact that I had this fetish even though shirtless guys always turned me on. Even throughout my adolescence, when I would google images of guys' stomachs, it never once occurred to me that something was wrong. This is where things started to get bad.

When I was in middle school (14-15 years old), My little brother (of 5 years) would always bring his friends over. I would always hang around them and try to get them to show me their stomachs. Some of them did and even let me touch it. I never was interested in their genitals, only the stomach. Sick, huh? It didn't take me long to realize that what I was doing was wrong. The thing is that I'm not a pedophile. I only touched their stomachs because it was kind of an outlet for my fetish. At the time, I wasn't really aware that what I was doing was WRONG...I just figured that, since they were considerably younger, they wouldn't judge me. I knew that if I tried the same thing with older boys, I'd be made fun of or reprimanded. After middle school, I distanced myself away from my little brother and his friends. I think I did it just in time to avoid looking like a total creep. While I didn't make it obvious that their stomachs turned me on, I still feel awkward when I see them because they probably know (or will know when they learn about sexuality) that I'm pretty sick. Thing is, I'm not a pedophile - I am just not attracted to kids - but I'm sure I came off like one at the time.

When I reflect on my past, I feel sick. At the time I couldn't help myself because I didn't fully understand what I was doing. Once I realized that my fetish was in fact...a fetish, I repressed myself sexually. Throughout high school I never had any relationships or found myself attracted to anyone; the fetish was (and still is) the only thing that can turn me on. Today, I find myself severely depressed. I am tormented by my past (and will be forever), but cannot hope for a better future. I feel like a really sick person. I also feel that the fetish will control my life. I'm currently seeing a therapist and am planning on talking about my fetish...I just don't know whether i should tell her about my little brother's friends, because I don't want her to label me as a pedophile. I don't know what kind of advice you guys can give me...but any would be appreciated. I feel almost suicidal.

Boxofrain, don't hate yourself over it, it doesn't sound like what you did was very serious and you say that you're not a pedophile. You can't change the past.

I agree with what jasmin said. Your problem actually isn't as unique as you think. Somebody posted about having a similar fetish not too long ago... see the following link:

http://www.psychforums.com/paraphilias/topic54445.html

Stop hating yourself. You're not "sick," you have a sexual fetish, nobody knows how or why these things develop. The fact that you feel so much guilt over this shows that you are not a bad person. What you did was poor judgement, but you were young and not thinking like an adult.

I am not belittling your distress at all - it is clearly significant. But it is out of all proportion to 'what you did'. What you did was not in the slightest bad or wrong or sick or perverted and there is absolutely no reason to torture yourself over it. The only thing 'wrong' with you is your overdeveloped guilt about a total non-event. I'm sure your brother's friends have all forgotten the incident(s) or think it was a hoot. Even if you told them now there was a sexual element to it, do you really think they'd care? I wouldn't - why would I? And even if they pretended to care in order to, say, sue you, do you really think they would genuinely feel violated? I strongly doubt it.

So...go and be happy and love those sexy stomachs and have a great life!