Conscience self vs. pedo self

I'm one of those pedophiles that have used child pornography. That's got deleted, though and I haven't used in 10½ months, now and I'm hoping that will be permanent. For me the hardest part was the fight against myself. Of the sexually aroused pedosexual me, vs. the at the same time rational and conscientious me. I HATED myself after masturbation. Of course, the constant fear of "getting caught" was also wreaking havoc with my mind, in other words selfish self-preservation. I could also plainly see that the girls were either manipulated or forced. And I felt like a psychopath when I was ("pedosexually") aroused by that. I'm not exclusively pedophile, but heterosexual, and I'm even attracted to women 10-13 older than me (I'm in my late twenties), and the arousal I feel when aroused by children, especially early preteens is different than the arousal felt with "age appropriate" women. My hope, in my own opinion, lies in a stable, healthy relationshop.

I once visited sites that were for pedophiles... but for pedophiles that defended pedophilia. "Childlover" forums, in other words. People that relativized ethics and humanity, to justify having sex with children, to justify selfish desire at other's expense. I was a hypocrite even then, arguing against that logic while getting aroused by sex stores and preteen model pictures. I still fantasize about little girls, and some of those thoughts are insane. I've made rules for myself, that I am not allowed to get too drunk or do any sort of drugs. I will not allow myself to lose control. I cannot help feel that even despite the progress I've made these last months, it doesn't even matter. That my conscience and rational self will lose to my sexual self, eventually. I am scared of relationships, because they might end up with children, and though I have always been disgusted with notion of incest, even as a pedophile, I get worried mostly about how my interaction with kids will be awkward and be singled out as "weird" and curious. I do not feel comfortable around little girls, precisely because I feel fear of getting aroused by them.

Right now, I feel i'm in control, and actually atm, my pedophilia isn't my biggest of problems. But to be honest, I don't know what to be believe about my "condition". No one seems to knows anything about pedophilia, except pedophiles, and it would be extremely relieving to know some certainties. Simply to know wether if I am over-worrying or not taking it serious enough...

There are others in the world like you, and i believe that this is quite apparent. However, society takes a no tolerrance approach to this type of problem, and it will probably never be accepted. I commend you for admitting to what you have done - but others will be much less accepting and forgiving as I. You have broken the law - that is fact - and you have to prove to everyone that you are genuinely regretful of what you did and also show that you are prepared and are trying to change.

Kevin

Hang in there Rumpesko. 10 months is a long time to have struggled against these urges, and yet you have succeeded. What you did in the past should remain in the past, there's nothing you can do about it now, except keep fighting the good fight and ensure yourself you won't do it again. I know what you mean about the sexual self - it's a real beast without reason. That's why you must keep your conscience self stronger than it, or sexual self will take over, and you will crack.

Chucky: I know there is zero tolerance for pedophiles in general, and the use of child pornography in particular. I have zero tolerance of those parts of me, myself, after all. I'm also somewhat certain (or perhaps it's just a hope) that pedophilia in itself is spawned by psychical/sexual insecurity and poor self-worth leading to a desire to seek a sexual partner that is "beneath" one's own place in a "confidence hierachy". I've analyzed myself to bits, really, which is probably why I never touched a child, and don't want to (in the conscienctious sense, that is). But it also leads to intense self-hate, at times.

You say "prove to everyone" that I am genuinely regretful. How? And who is everyone? I AM sorry for what I did. At least 97% of society in the "real world", though, will not believe me if they don't know me. The public image of a pedophile is too stupidly stereotypical to engage in a conversation with it, so how should I prove myself? Castrating oneself seems to be one of the frequent advices pedophiles are given. That is not an option, I will not live a life in celibacy, not from a normal heterosexual life. The pedosexual part of me is forced into celibacy by myself, I want myself to control myself. Besides, I don't see how castration would lead to less suspicion. I don't want to be outed as pedosexual (I actually don't get why it's called pedo-"phile"; has nothing to do with love). I've even went as far as buying a new pc, and even though I deleted everything from the old pc, I put that on the rubbish dump (it was also quite old..i'm not *that* paranoid).

And how do I "show" I am willing to change, and to who? Who would even care the slightest? No one (except a psychiatrist i talked to a year ago) knows I am pedophile, and I have no convictions. And even more so, change into what? A non-CP user, or a non-pedophile?

Ok, it just re-read what I just wrote... and wrote yesterday, and your "prove to everyone" bit. I might come across as someone who simply has become afraid of getting caught, someone who "burned the evidence" to conceal his crimes, rather as one genuinely remorseful. Well.... if getting caught is how you prove that you are sorry, then I am NOT sorry. I want a life. Even though a criminal charge is unlikely, other factors could possibly still out me. Like being drunk and talking of things no one should hear, etc. And if that happened, I would simply kill myself. There is no life for me as an outed pedophile. Being a pedophile is not like being a thief... or even a murderer. You cannot get rehabilitation. And is that so wrong of me, to want to protect myself? It certainly is hypocritical, I agree, considering what I did even though I did it as a viewer (I've heard someone to compare it to masturbating to someone getting raped... very vivid and correct interpretation).

And sorry for the many questions, I am new to talking about this so openly to someone who isn't a pedophile or a shrink.

G!r : Thank you. This has so far been the longest running try for me to stop using. I did try several times two years ago, when seeing a psychiatrist. The longest times those tries lasted was one month... :S But he did give me the tools to accomplish a more permanent solution, even though I couldn't realize them early on. Like watching regular porn, and imposing pedophile fantasies unto those videos, whenever i felt an urge to download child porn. I felt that was silly when I tried it, and it didn't work at the time i went to therapy, but i've made it work now.

And yes, I guess most (conscientious and rational) pedophiles will know this feeling, and this is why I'm happy I found this place. If you are pedophile as well, how do you deal with the (pedo-)sexual self?

And yes, I guess most (conscientious and rational) pedophiles will know this feeling, and this is why I'm happy I found this place. If you are pedophile as well, how do you deal with the (pedo-)sexual self?

I have been fascinated by the subject of pedophilia for years. I am interesting in why the condition exists at all. I also have my own personal reasons. In my opinion after reading loads of experience stories, I believe that there are two ways to deal with it. You can either pretend you don't have those feelings (repression but for some it works) or you can talk about it. For many people who talk about it, the thoughts can become more frequent and distressing as time passes. For some it's a release. You'll never get rid of the sexual thoughts completely - however, you can shift them aside. Believe that those feelings are just another side of you, it doesn't have to be a reflection of your true nature.

And of course. You're not only attracted to children, like some pedophiles. Focus on adults. Be grateful that you are able to. Many pedophiles would kill to be you. If you feel like you're about to download some CP again, just calm yourself down and masturbate to whatever you wish in your head, even if it's children. Your thoughts alone can't hurt anyone.

rumpesko,

Welcome to the forum, and congratulations on your 10 month freedom from child porn. Imagine how good it will feel to be able to say 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years! I'm also glad that you have confronted the rationalizations that you used to employ to justify your behavior.

I think your situation is hopeful, because you have been able to stop, and many are not. This is a very good sign. Another good sign is your attraction to adult women. I think you should pursue that attraction, and if you are really worried about having children, there are ways of preventing this.

As far as pedophilia goes you are right there is not much (any?) research done on non-offenders, and for obvious reasons. From what I have read most paraphilias never go away entirely, but they can diminish over time as other sorts of sexual thoughts and experiences begin to replace them. The brain is configured to maximize pleasure, so the more pleasurable sexual experiences that you have with age-appropriate partners (even imaginary ones), the more your brain will start to "rewire" itself to find those sorts of thoughts and experiences pleasurable as opposed to the inappropriate ones you have been having. That is the theory.

Your situation is very hopeful, as long you do not allow yourself to relapse into these old habits. There are other men who have posted on this forum are pedophiles (even the exclusive type) who are married and have good relationships with their wives, so people figure out how to make things work. I wish you the best of luck!

G!r wrote:I have been fascinated by the subject of pedophilia for years. I am interesting in why the condition exists at all.

You may be able to gain more insight by asking the opposite question, that is why do non-pedophiles exist? In other words, why are most adults attracted primarily to those of their own age group? What are the mechanisms that determine this and what causes these mechanisms to fail in individuals suffering from pedophilia?

G!r wrote:If you feel like you're about to download some CP again, just calm yourself down and masturbate to whatever you wish in your head, even if it's children. Your thoughts alone can't hurt anyone.

That's kind of true. Actually, when you masturbate to something, even if its in your head, it reinforces the reward structure in your brain and makes it harder to stop becoming aroused by it in the future. It's a much better idea to try and masturbate to thoughts of adult women, if you can.

likewise, you had better back that claim up about S3 and Lostson, as I am sure they would not like to be called that by another user. Or, you can edit your post instead.

Kevin

Kevin,

I don't think they would be offended, since I was more or less repeating what they had said in their posts, and not in a derogatory manner (pedophilia is in my opinion neutral, it is a mental affliction and does not imply a character flaw). However, I have edited my post to remove the names, perhaps you should do the same.

Oh, you edited it? In my post, I was just indirectly making sure that they had previously mentioned it (without having to trawl through the records myself to find evidence). Your reply assures me that you have definately read posts previously to back up what you said though.

TAke care dude,
kevin