sexual sadism- nature vs. nurture

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:You have really good advice regarding the situation. Thank you. I'm going to start feeding him again. I felt so bad when this morning (yesterday morning, I guess; I have a weird sleep schedule), he came up to me and wanted breakfast and a quick pee. I just pet him and let him alone, though. I'm still kind of scared of him, so I'm limiting contact. For now, I think that my trying to walk him would do more harm than good, so I'm going to start slow. With food.

I stumbled on the show "It's Me Or The Dog." Didn't even know it existed! The timing couldn't be better, though.

Have you ever seen it? I saw a couple episodes, and the one that struck me was where the host made the distinction between being submissive and being non-threatening.

Let's face it, I don't exactly exude dominance/"alpha-ness" these days...And even if I did, I would have to adjust my behavior to the dog's moods. I can tell when Red gets this weird look in his eyes, and I think it's especially important during those times for me to be non-confrontational unless absolutely necessary. I think it's best for me to pick my battles. For now, I need to solidify myself as a non-threatening caretaker. There are some trust issues. I need to make him initiate contact with me. From there, I hope he will realize that he depends on me for food and love/pets/scratches. I wonder if "topping from the bottom" works with dogs?

I wrote more about this; what do you think?
living-with-mental-illness/topic46491-20.html#p328387

So my situation is getting better. And yes, I did want to talk, and we have talked! Thank you again for your help and for being so understanding. I think I'm ready to return to our original discussion now. Any new insight/progress with your situation?

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:I stumbled on the show "It's Me Or The Dog." Didn't even know it existed! The timing couldn't be better, though.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:So my situation is getting better. And yes, I did want to talk, and we have talked! Thank you again for your help and for being so understanding. I think I'm ready to return to our original discussion now. Any new insight/progress with your situation?

insincerity wrote:I think in my case it's definitely nature and not nurture.

Sintara wrote:

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:I stumbled on the show "It's Me Or The Dog." Didn't even know it existed! The timing couldn't be better, though.

I was just about to suggest that show to you. Glad you found it! It has great advice and I agree with Victoria almost always.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:So my situation is getting better. And yes, I did want to talk, and we have talked! Thank you again for your help and for being so understanding. I think I'm ready to return to our original discussion now. Any new insight/progress with your situation?

So I take it the situation you were going through was related to Red? And you're welcome for any help I was able to be. Anytime.

I have thought about our previous subject but will have to write about it tomorrow because I haven't got much time at the moment.
Talk to ya soon

insincerity wrote:I think in my case it's definitely nature and not nurture.

Do you know if you ever have had any sadistic relatives?

So I take it the situation you were going through was related to Red?

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:

So I take it the situation you were going through was related to Red?

Yes, this one, anyway. I'm always working through something or other in my head.

The other big thing right now is bridging the gap between my fiance's "every 2-3 weeks" sexual schedule with my own "every 2-3 DAYS" schedule. I need to start setting up dates for the two of us again, as well as "dates" for myself to supplement any missing interaction.

“One of the most interesting findings of neuroscience is that the brain cannot tell the difference between a thought that is vividly imagined in the ‘mind’s eye’ and something that is seen by the natural physical eyes.”
-- Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C, “The Language of Recovery” (NOTE: this quote is taken out of context)

He seems to be getting it, though. He made a very nice meal for us over the weekend, which we actually ate at the table. Even the TV was off, for a change!

I doubt I'll ever get anything more kinky than the occasional spank from him, but I'm pretty sure that he can make up for it in other ways. I just have to figure out how.

I'm gonna go check on the laundry before I get on an "I haven't been sexually satisfied for ~ 3 weeks now" rant.

sintara wrote:

insincerity wrote:I think in my case it's definitely nature and not nurture.

Do you know if you ever have had any sadistic relatives?

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:

sintara wrote:

insincerity wrote:I think in my case it's definitely nature and not nurture.

Do you know if you ever have had any sadistic relatives?

I know your question was meant for insincerity, but it got me thinking, too. In my case it's both nature and nurture. My family was always very kind to me and around me when I was little. I remember making fun of a deaf-mute man just because I didn't know better and I saw my friend doing it. I went home and told my grandfather, and his reaction of empathy for the man actually made me feel pain. So it's neither in my genes nor my upbringing to derive pleasure from others' pain. I just take it out on myself if I need to.

I did, though, for a period of time, consider men disposable. Probably because my grandmother was really biased against the opposite gender...

I do know that my "gene-donor" father (he wasn't around much), as well as my grandfather on my mother's side...and my mother...had/have a rather high sex drive. And so do I. At some point I got on the whole "free love" bandwagon (even though I was about 30 years too late for it), so that adds a small nurture aspect.

I'm gonna be married to a guy who was raised Roman Catholic (now agnostic), in a household where sex was discussed rarely, if ever. Guess I must really love the man for who he is! LOL. He and I discussed possible influences for his sex drive, and all he could chalk it up to was his upbringing...so I don't really know what the deal is there.

Well at least you know you're with him for good reasons.

God, it's so easy to manipulate guys into having more sex with you it isn't even funny.

On some level all guys compulsively need it, so it's not really hard to break through whatever conscious reasons they have for not wanting it.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:See, that's what I always thought, too. Maybe on some level I initially enjoyed the challenge of my fiance. But after 8 years, I'm ready to chalk it up to our different schedules. At some point, things just become frustrating.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:The other big thing right now is bridging the gap between my fiance's "every 2-3 weeks" sexual schedule with my own "every 2-3 DAYS" schedule. I need to start setting up dates for the two of us again, as well as "dates" for myself to supplement any missing interaction.

“One of the most interesting findings of neuroscience is that the brain cannot tell the difference between a thought that is vividly imagined in the ‘mind’s eye’ and something that is seen by the natural physical eyes.”
-- Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C, “The Language of Recovery” (NOTE: this quote is taken out of context)

He seems to be getting it, though. He made a very nice meal for us over the weekend, which we actually ate at the table. Even the TV was off, for a change!

I doubt I'll ever get anything more kinky than the occasional spank from him, but I'm pretty sure that he can make up for it in other ways. I just have to figure out how.

I'm gonna go check on the laundry before I get on an "I haven't been sexually satisfied for ~ 3 weeks now" rant.