Help wanted - zoophilia/pedaphilia

Hi all,

I went looking on the internet for information about treating paraphilias and found this forum. I've read many of the posts and I feel like this is the place to air my story. I'd like help but I'm not sure what I should do. Anyway enough introduction, to the story.

I don't expect much sympathy, that's not what I'm hear for. My upbringing was good and I don't suffer from any mental illness (depression, OCD, etc). It's just that I have some problems with inappropriate sexual fantasies.

Brief sexual history (in case it's relevant): went through puberty later than other people in my school, always shy around the opposite sex and so was late in losing my virginity (21) though I've heard that sort of age isn't so uncommon in guys. Had some problems with sexual dysfunction (inability to get an erection) that were due to performance anxiety. Now I'm able to have healthy relationships (whatever that means!) though I'm currently single.

So far I sound like some fairly normal guy. And I am. With one quirk. I have fantasies involving bestiality, incest and child sex. As I was late in losing my virginity I spent a lot of time downloading porn from the internet. I did it at my college (never got caught) and also at home. It was my masturbation fantasies. From searching the net for porn I'd stumbled across animal porn. I wasn't at all aroused by it but I think it led to desensitization.

I'm not exactly sure when I first found child porn on the internet or whether I actively searched it out. But I have a memory of masturbating to porn and finding a CP image. I was disgusted but aroused at the same time. I orgasmed and immediately felt disgusted. I believe that orgasming looking at the image probably caused a link between CP and orgasm however.

So, throughout the years I started downloading more CP, it was very easy to access years ago (I also searched more often) and started chatting to others on chat sites who had similar fetishes. I'd also started looking at animal porn. After a while I decided to swear off it - I deleted all my pictures. It was over.

It lasted a year or so. And I was back downloading. Another few months passed and I decided no I have to stop this. So I did. And again deleted all my pictures. This has happened a few times. I've now been able to avoid relapsing into seeing any pictures of CP as I know it's wrong.

Along the way I've met a few girls online who were interested in these fantasies. What's bizarre about this is that I found them when not seeking. I even met up with one who was 17 at the time (she'd pretended to be 18 on a dating website, though had told me she was 17 before we met). She has lots of the same fantasies as I do - this tended to reinforce the fantasies as being acceptable. I ended up having sex with her (17 is above the age of consent in this state). She was sexually promiscuous when we met so I never felt bad about it. But when thinking of things to write in this post I suddenly had the feeling that I'd harmed her. I'm still in contact with her but I feel like she might lead me into a path where I progress further with my fantasies.

I've been really good with avoiding any CP. However, I've been more lenient on animal porn. The fact that it's legal in a few countries and so is more readily available is a problem. It's hard for me to rationalize not looking at it from a legal stand point (I could just move to a country where it is legal for example). Morally I know my friends would never look at me the same. It's that which makes me ashamed. The illegality is just a concern about getting caught.

I've been pretty good lately. I've not seen much animal porn (once or twice in 6 months). However, I still frequent chat rooms to talk about my fantasies. These have been fueling the addiction. I can't chat about "normal" sex and always seek out others who will talk about my unhealthy fantasies. Also, there are story sites which contain graphic descriptions of my fantasies which I still use on occasion for masturbation.

Basically, I want to stop where any of this is leading. I don't think I'd ever hurt a child as I don't really think about it. Nor do I think I'll ever end up in inappropriate sexual relations with an animal and a girl (my fantasies are about girls with animals not me personally). These are quite easy to avoid as I don't like pets and I've never liked children (I don't have the patience to look after them).

But still the desires are there. They are inappropriate. I feel that my fantasies could interfere with a healthy relationship. Or worse lead me to have a relationship with a girl who shared my fantasies where we would fuel each other's curiosities - I could see that leading to experimentations with animal sex as it's not as harmful as child abuse (sorry to all the animal lovers).

I've considered consulting professional help. But that is difficult on two fronts: finding time as I work during the day and being worried about reporting requirements. I see a lot of people here have said that they've found shrinks who wouldn't consider my case to be report worthy. But perhaps I wouldn't be so lucky. I'm also considering self help - Butterfly Faerie's great treatment guide which is stickied is what I'm thinking of. I was considering the orgasmic reconditioning but am concerned about a treatment where I have to start thinking about these fantasies again when I'm currently in a space where I'm disgusted by them. I want to move on. But perhaps I have to confront it and then move on.

I really think I can get over this for good, and I don't know that a shrink would be that useful to me (I feel better for having this forum as a sounding board already). The anonymity here is better. I just hope for a bit of advice from those that have gone through similar treatments and hopefully I can get rid of these nagging fantasies.

Thanks everyone for listening. Hopefully, I'll be back on tonight if anyone wants me to clear something up. Sorry if I haven't made sense.

Hi, anon33! I think you have to stop talking to any one who might make you have these fantasies or who might make you think that they're ok. Animal and child abuse are wrong no matter where you live and you do live in a country where you'd go to prison for it, right, so you have to get better for that reason as well.
If you're not looking at illegal porn now and you've never hurt any one, the psych probably doesn't have to report you. Look for a girlfriend who does not have any of these tendencies and look for a psych who you can talk to about everything. Don't give up if you can't find something right away, these things can take time.
Again, it's best to get yourself out of any environment where you could feel that this stuff is not wrong or that it's healthy.
Many people on this forum give support to eachother and you're welcome to talk here, I'm glad you found it too.

jasmin wrote:If you're not looking at illegal porn now and you've never hurt any one, the psych probably doesn't have to report you.

This has always been my dilemma. "Probably" don't have to be reported doesn't really work for me. I know I should take the plunge but it's just too scary. Even if they don't have to report me what if they think they have to? It won't matter that they shouldn't have reported me I'll still be accused.

I'm only concerned about the accusation - I'm not doing anything illegal now. But an accusation would presumably out me to my friends as a pedophile. And that'd ruin me.

I'd rather solve my problems here than have to find a sympathetic shrink and hope that they don't report me.

I just realised what it must be like to be a recovering alcoholic. How do you know if you are really over your addiction for the rest of your life? (ie one slip up and you are back to your old habit). I feel like that already. And I've only just decided I have to stop. At what point do I know that I'll never have these fantasies again .....

Alcoholics still have cravings from time to time, but it gets easier to deal with, just like any addiction. You could look for a psych that has worked with pedophiles before. If you go back to your old habits, people around you are going to find out any way at some point.
You can try to keep things under control by posting here too, though.

Well, I've taken the plunge. I rang up a specialist therapist today (I did a google search to find someone with appropriate experience in my area). I don't have an appointment yet because they are booked out for the next few weeks (especially with it being the holidays). I'm still nervous about their reporting requirements. I've researched it and decided that my case isn't black and white. It depend on if they think CP = CSA, if so I think it's reportable. So I'm still worried about opening up completely to a therapist.

I'm feeling a weird mix of emotions - the realization that I have this problem is so overwhelming at the moment. It's all I think about. And I'm so disgusted at myself. But I feel so happy at the fact that I'm disgusted. It's like the pain of being sick, or the unpleasantness of thowing up. You know it's bad but you'll be better when it's over. So you almost look forward to it. I guess it's the kind of pain which cutters experience and like.

It's such a mix of emotions. So low and so high - not as in mood swings but at the same time. That and I'm really confident that I'm going to be cured (though that is getting dented reading others stories and lack of success at being cured). But I'm still confident.

Don't lose the confidence. I think this kind of thing is different for every person and your urges or triggers might go away or be very manageble, so don't give up.
If you tell the therapist that you will never watch CP again and that you just want to get treatment, I think they'll be resonable.
I can see why you feel good about feeling disgusted, it means you can tell right from wrong.

I've been afraid to talk about my problems with my psych in the past as well. Mine isn't a specialist for pedophilia or bestiality, but she's been understanding nevertheless. If you haven't already, you don't have to take that plunge blindly. Talk with your psych first about what he/she feels responsible about reporting. Next, try moving into hypothetical situations. You don't have to confess outright about having viewed CP in the past, by any means, especially if you feel yourself in danger.

One or more of the treatments in the sticky thread may or may not be right for you, but without a professional's support the treatment may not be as effective, or it may even be damaging. Do ask your therapist whether he/she thinks you should pursue any of those before seriously trying any of them.

I hope you do feel comfortable posting on this forum as long as you feel it will help you. Many times I've used this forum when I would otherwise have surfed for porn or worse. I admit that sometimes even my participation here is obsessive, but it's better than the alternative.

S3 wrote: I admit that sometimes even my participation here is obsessive, but it's better than the alternative.

the OCD forum is that way >>>>>

Did you talk to the therapist?

anon33 wrote:the OCD forum is that way >>>>>

Duly noted.
Funny thing is, I recently underwent testing for OCD among other things. I'm still waiting for the rest of the results.