Might Seek Help...

There has been much that has happened to me in the last two years. It would be rather time consuming to go into detail about those events but generally involve a nasty divorce, loss of several jobs, much debt, reliance and subsequent betrayal by family members, and eventually time spent living on the street. All of this I endured with very little emotional response aside from occasional sadness and forced numbness of emotion so I can focus on what I need to do next. My boyfriend has been much help these past few months, but I do not share everything with him as I feel I would be troubling him too much if I did so. I'm sure this is irrational, but I've always kept things to myself, rather than worry those around me.

I find myself daydreaming about sexual themes or wanting to look up porn, and now favoring erotic stories with those who are under age, or very nearly so if I can't find under age genres. The appeal to withdraw into such thoughts and desires is very strong, though I try to counter this, and as a result I have isolated myself more so than usual.

There is an impending sense that I will eventually reach a state of emotional instability if I do not do something soon. These are not thoughts I have shared with anyone. I cry for apparently no reason at all, and with very little warning. My thoughts linger more on suicide as a viable solution... with only my fears of hurting what few family members I have who care for me, my boyfriend, and the couple of close friends I have, keeping me from taking such notions seriously. It is very difficult to concentrate... even on things that normally hold my interest. I shy away from social interactions. Generally I feel tired, weary... emburdened. My sleep is erratic with bouts of insomnia. Often times my thoughts are of the past when they aren't focused on some pleasant distraction.

I feel I have just about gone as far a I can go, and will break soon under the strain.

On the internet I have looked up the local mental health facilities. There is one within 20 miles, and it seems to be free or offering low fees. The website didn't offer much information, but I did find a number. I think I'll call them tomorrow to find out more information, particularly about their confidentiality agreements and what all that entails.

As far as I can see, you are drifting off track a bit in your life and are in danger of losing control. You have mentioned going to a mental health facility, but i believe that talking to yuor GP / local doctor first would be a better idea. He/she could then refer you to a specialist. You know that the urges you have in your head are wrong and would not be accepted by society. As such, you have to dismiss them in your head. Focus on other things in your life, such as certain short term goals that you'd like to achieve.

Kevin

Wait. I'm not sure dismissing the thoughts is the right way to go. Isn't part of the reason for your distress here, in fact, that you have the fantasies and can't get rid of them despite wanting to? Yet isn't it the fantasies that allow you to escape from the harshness of reality in order to maintain some semblance of sanity? Are you worried you'll act out your fantasies? If not, then is it shame that's making it so hard to accept the nature of your attractions?

My heart goes out to you. No doubt your numbness is catching up to you. The full impact of your life losses can't always remain covered in fantasy or forgotten by concentrating on what's ahead, despite how effectively sex and porn may distract you. Your happiness doesn't lie in keeping all of your burdens to yourself. As frightening as it is to allow yourself to show those emotions the risk of self exposure to people who love you will be an invaluable part of you finding peace.

That much I know and I still have trouble being open with people close to me and accepting what I feel. I hope that, wherever and from whomever you seek help, they'll accept you without reservation and help you to understand that every part of you,even the darkest most desolate corners inside you, are worth loving. It's what we need most I think.

Have you already made the call, or have you decided to see your general practitioner for a reference? I'd like to know you're doing all right and if there's anything you need.

S3 wrote:Wait. I'm not sure dismissing the thoughts is the right way to go. Isn't part of the reason for your distress here, in fact, that you have the fantasies and can't get rid of them despite wanting to? Yet isn't it the fantasies that allow you to escape from the harshness of reality in order to maintain some semblance of sanity? Are you worried you'll act out your fantasies? If not, then is it shame that's making it so hard to accept the nature of your attractions?

Dismissing thoughts isn't the right way to go, but I do not know of any other way that offers much success... hence the need to talk to someone who knows more about how the mind works than I do. The fantasies can be a double-edged sword in that I both enjoy and despise them, coming to rely on them isn't in my best interests yet stress has a way of persuading your emotions against your logic. I'm not overly concerned with acting out my fantasies because I tend to favor hurting myself instead of hurting others. I am not sadistic, so it pains me to hurt others. So when I do fear that I'm treading into territory that may result in me hurting a child I tend to choose isolation. Knowing I've probably avoided hurting a child offers little comfort to the loneliness I feel at times from my self-imposed isolation -- once more, another coping strategy that doesn't work in my favor and needs to be replaced with something better.

S3 wrote:No doubt your numbness is catching up to you. The fe ull impact of your life losses can't always remain covered in fantasy or forgotten by concentrating on what's ahead, despite how effectively sex and porn may distract you. Your happiness doesn't lie in keeping all of your burdens to yourself. As frightening as it is to allow yourself to show those emotions the risk of self exposure to people who love you will be an invaluable part of you finding peace.

My upbringing and the lessons I learned later in life made me a responsible individual when it came to others. However, it did not equip me with much in the way of coping with my own stresses, as I was rarely of much concern to anyone growing up. There has never been any ‘need’ to show emotions towards those who supposedly ‘love’ me as I rarely felt the need to connect on that level or have felt much warmth emanating from them that would encourage me to really share. The fact that my boyfriend accepts me so readily and is so expressive in his feelings is something strange that has piqued my curiosity. I think his acceptance of me has made me realize how barren my life is and reflect on all the missed opportunities of such acceptance in the past.

S3 wrote:That much I know and I still have trouble being open with people close to me and accepting what I feel. I hope that, wherever and from whomever you seek help, they'll accept you without reservation and help you to understand that every part of you,even the darkest most desolate corners inside you, are worth loving. It's what we need most I think.

I intend to be very careful of whom I trust -- professional or otherwise. If they do not have a very understanding and accepting temperament, then it wouldn’t do much good in encouraging me to trust them.

S3 wrote:Have you already made the call, or have you decided to see your general practitioner for a reference? I'd like to know you're doing all right and if there's anything you need.

I had an appointment set for last week, but life intervened and had to reschedule for Monday … Tuesday at the latest. Financially speaking, I do not possess the means to see a general practitioner or any doctor for that matter unless they are at a clinic -- which is very rare here. If I were still in the city I could make so much more happen, but this more rural area leaves much to be desired for the lower-class.

Neuling wrote:Dismissing thoughts isn't the right way to go, but I do not know of any other way that offers much success... hence the need to talk to someone who knows more about how the mind works than I do. The fantasies can be a double-edged sword in that I both enjoy and despise them, coming to rely on them isn't in my best interests yet stress has a way of persuading your emotions against your logic. I'm not overly concerned with acting out my fantasies because I tend to favor hurting myself instead of hurting others. I am not sadistic, so it pains me to hurt others. So when I do fear that I'm treading into territory that may result in me hurting a child I tend to choose isolation. Knowing I've probably avoided hurting a child offers little comfort to the loneliness I feel at times from my self-imposed isolation -- once more, another coping strategy that doesn't work in my favor and needs to be replaced with something better.

It's true there are a lot of different quick-fix methods that never have a lasting effect, including but not limited to: knee-jerk reactions of pulling away mentally from thoughts, distraction (i.e. music/entertainment, hobby, work, routine), and, perhaps least effective, isolation. I'll add: exercise, meditation, sleeping and eating properly, talking/writing with others about it, journaling, calling on a higher power for help, scripture study, relying on a loved one for support, limiting or eliminating the opportunity to use porn or fantasize at all.

The list goes on, and each thing on it has varying degrees of effectiveness short term. Only consistency can guarantee a constant control over one's impulses. My experience is that I'm usually too lazy, too discouraged, or sometimes not trusting enough of others to do all of these things consistently, and I feel least in control of myself when I lack that consistency. When I am consistent in doing everything on that list, (minus the less effective things like isolation), I feel great. Sometimes I feel let down by my wife when she can't or doesn't feel like talking to me or lending me the support I need, and that makes it more difficult, so obviously I have to rely more heavily on my backups, writing, prayer, etc. In any case the weakness I possess, (anxiety, depression, trauma, and the impulse to escape with sexual fantasy), will likely remain with me for many years, if not decades, even after I've never lost control for an extremely long time. When someone maintains control over certain impulses for a long enough time, they're likely to stop feeling those impulses completely. Consistency is the key after finding the right strategy to control sexual impulses, (and it's my Achilles' heel). Don't get discouraged. We all make mistakes, some worse than others, and we can all still change and one day be healed completely if we persist until we're consistent. Throughout and afterward we can look back on our experience and have the satisfaction of using it to help others.

Neuling wrote:My upbringing and the lessons I learned later in life made me a responsible individual when it came to others. However, it did not equip me with much in the way of coping with my own stresses, as I was rarely of much concern to anyone growing up.
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I intend to be very careful of whom I trust -- professional or otherwise. If they do not have a very understanding and accepting temperament, then it wouldn’t do much good in encouraging me to trust them.

I'm really glad your boyfriend has opened your eyes to the possibility of being emotionally close to someone. Of course it's a risky business trusting anyone and made more difficult by your past experience and society's general lack of concern for anyone they label unsafe or abnormal, (pedophile). I think we have the right to be closed to everyone who we know won't understand the real nature of our attraction, who might reject us, and to be extremely cautions with those who may understand, even love, us. When you find someone you might be willing to tell, let things out at your own pace. I've enjoyed sharing and talking about music, art, and literature that reflects how i feel with my psych and my wife. It's been a great segway into talking about more serious things. That's only an example. Start somewhere, anywhere you're comfortable, and take the risk of building on that slowly. I rarely talk about my impulses and choose instead to focus on the anxiety behind them that drives me to escape with them.

An exception to my right to remain closed is that, before marrying her, I did feel obligated to make the leap and tell my fiancee I'm attracted to girls, which I wouldn't have done if I weren't asking total commitment from her. That's one of the nice things about a psychologist though, that the relationship with one is fairly one-sided and you're never obligated to keep them. They're trained and willing to help and obligated to keep confidences unless you pose a threat to yourself or another individual. Threat is a very narrowly defined term for adult clients fortunately. Even the admitted stalking of a child will not get you reported, but an attempt at kidnapping might, (I'm not sure). I don't know the limits of self-injury, but others here do if you need to know. If you don't get along well or feel uncomfortable with one professional, there's no offense taken by your current professional if you choose to switch, and you're never forced to continue visiting them if you can't switch.

Neuling wrote:Financially speaking, I do not possess the means to see a general practitioner or any doctor for that matter unless they are at a clinic -- which is very rare here. ... this more rural area leaves much to be desired for the lower-class.

Limited resources will likely be one of my problems too once I inevitably finish work at my current job. As long as you have internet access you'll have these forums to vent or contemplate in. The free things on that list above, among other things, might have to be your main support for a while. Please remember, you're never alone unless you wish to be.

I had an appointment at 1pm yesterday. They did a basic screening and went over finances. Basically since my income is so low, the treatment will be free.

Today I had an appointment with a doctor at 10:45 am. She was nice enough, and I answered her questions as truthfully as I could. Afterwards she prescribed some medication which should ease the depression, and will be arranging therapy for some time next week.

I'll have to return tomorrow to pick up the prescriptions.

I feel a little better now.

closed

It's great to hear you don't have to worry about payment! I'm interested to know how the treatment goes.

Good luck on the therapy Neuling. Hope it works for you..

Thanks S3 and Lostone.