A new question about me and my mind

I had a violent fantasy involving a child today. It has been almost 2 months since I had a violent fantasy involving a child. I was doing real well with regards to that aspect of my life. There were 2 things that I thought I should be concerned about was I didn’t know what to attribute the laps in fantasies too. I know that is a good thing however if I don’t know why they stopped I don’t know how to continue the progress. I took stock today and noticed that I had done some EMDR work on a survivor issues and it left me feeling very vulnerable. No more that 1 hour later I had already had the fantasy and masturbated to it. The thing I find really interesting is not that the vulnerable feeling made me want to act out that should have almost expected by this time.

What was strange was that I went from a somewhat sweet almost consensual fantasy to a very violent fantasy with no real motivation. See when I normally have a violent fantasy I have a “reason” to be violent, either the girl rejects me or does something to make me angry or infuriated. However that was not the case this time the girl was being compliant and smiling and all of the sudden I changed gears and I don’t know why.

Hey! Maybe you've become used to violent fantasies and so the child didn't need to do something wrong for you to become violent, or maybe you were more triggered than usual and that lead to this unusual behavior in your fantasy. You know, it'd probably be a good idea to try to do something else or to fantasize to something else when you feel this need.

jasmin wrote:You know, it'd probably be a good idea to try to do something else or to fantasize to something else when you feel this need.

Yes that would be good and I have been over that with my wife, friends and therapist what feel like hundreds of times. I don’t know if some of them are right and this is just a lack of willpower on my part. But it seems that almost every time I go to a sexual fantasy of a woman or man it slides to a little girl. Now the violence doesn’t always come but the Pedophilia always comes.

Lostson wrote:Yes that would be good and I have been over that with my wife, friends and therapist what feel like hundreds of times. I don’t know if some of them are right and this is just a lack of willpower on my part. But it seems that almost every time I go to a sexual fantasy of a woman or man it slides to a little girl. Now the violence doesn’t always come but the Pedophilia always comes.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I can't help but to wonder if it would be possible to break your fantasies down into two parts? Such as violence and pedophilia. Then would it help to try to overcome the violent aspects of the fantasies first (eh... giving more attention to, but not all), and when that has been nearly dimished, then you'll be able to focus more on overcoming the pedophilia? It seems to be far more difficult trying to tackle two urges at the same time.

I could be wrong, but it's just an idea I had.

Neuling wrote:I'm not a psychiatrist, but I can't help but to wonder if it would be possible to break your fantasies down into two parts? Such as violence and pedophilia. Then would it help to try to overcome the violent aspects of the fantasies first (eh... giving more attention to, but not all), and when that has been nearly dimished, then you'll be able to focus more on overcoming the pedophilia? It seems to be far more difficult trying to tackle two urges at the same time.

I could be wrong, but it's just an idea I had.

I think that is a good Idea separating it out and focusing on one at a time. So how do I make the fantasies not violent I wonder? Perhaps I could try how I got started fantasising as a teen and just imaging little girls dying by accident or of natural causes.

There is a funny story about that actually. When I was in high school I accidently let it slip while having a drug induced hypothetical situation about the end of the world that I would have to have sex with all the girls I wanted quickly before they decomposed too much. Thankfully this was with one of my closet friends who brushed it off and never raised the topic again.

Lostson, I honestly think that continuing with these fantasies of little girls would be a bad idea. Have you ever tried stopping yourself if you start thinking about girls and then trying to take it back to adults a bit later?

Well yes it would be great to stop fantasizing all together about little girls however that is out of my control at the current time. Believe me I have tried a number of ways from stopping if I started to have a deviant fantasy and changing it to a normal one. Just replace the child with a woman and still having the violence. I have tried thinking about a little girl and changing it to an adult right before orgasm, using ammonia to disrupt deviant thoughts and fantasies, quitting cold turkey the longest I have ever gone with any method was 2 months and that was when I was in basic training.

Don't give up, though. Who knows when a change could happen and you could start to feel more comfortable with fantasizing about adults.