Trying to Cope...

I'm not entirely sure how to go about this, but I will certainly give it try.

There are undoubtedly many things in my past they may have had a hand in this, but I won't delve into all of those details right now, other than to say that I was forced to be sexually active at a very young age. I am bisexual, but tend to favor longterm relationships with males more, but cannot keep from thinking sexually about females (much to my dismay). I have also noticed that I am attracted to not only teenagers but those as young as 10, on some occasions; as well as maintaining a more 'healthy' interest in men and women who are 'of age' and beyond. These traits are not only unacceptable for a 24 year old female (or anyone for that matter), but leads to much self-loathing.

These feelings are very easy to disregard, in that I do not feel an overwhelming compulsion to do anything inappropriate. However, I do make a point to try to not be without a 'chaperone' when I am to be around those who are fairly young. Though there have been times when that wasn't possible. I am happy to say that I was able to shut out such thoughts, and even be friendly in an acceptable and plutonic fashion. I had endured such tragedies as a child, and a sense of protectiveness often overwhelms whatever sexual desire I may have. I am also very aware of the consequences, and do not want to hurt (disgrace) my family. So I have my personal experiences of receiving such pain and a sense of loyalty to my family that seems to quell this 'bad' part of myself.

I have a boyfriend who has similar 'problems' in that he finds himself attracted to girls who are far too young, as well as having a 'healthy' attraction to women. We did not share these things about each other until much later in the relationship, though suspected a similar sort of strangeness in each other. I do not know if this helps or may cause problems later on, but in our sexual intimacies, we 'roleplay.' Often times the themes involve pretending we are with those who are much too young (or actually are 'children'), acting as those we are related (incestual), or both. The purpose of the roleplays is to offer a sense of 'taboo' while being conveyed in a very loving fashion. I have noticed that these games we play together, seem to dwindle the interests I have in daily life of these 'forbidden' things. I feel happily depleted and capable of looking at others without thinking 'bad thoughts.' My boyfriend says he experiences similar, in that his desire seems satiated and doesn't bother him much in daily life either.

Him and I both have had a very long discussions -- some lasting nearly two weeks, about these urges we have - the consequences of acting on those urges, how we'll never fit in society, how despite how pleasant the scenario plays out in our minds -- in real life it would horribly damage a child, and the idea that we may never be able to have children of our own and guarantee their safety. The last bit weighs heavily on my mind, in that I'd like to think the desire to protect any children I were to have would outweigh any sexual desire... but I'm afraid to gamble with someone else's life... especially my own childrens'.

This is pedophilia, I'm sure... and I guess the 'games' probably do more harm than good... but I do feel I have a safe way to release these feelings (but then again, I could be wrong, yet repression doesn't seem to help).... and maybe it's not a good idea to be with someone who is so similar to me either, even though he does remind me about the consequences as much as I remind him. I'm wanting to be able to be happy in life... while at the same time, not putting anyone at risk --- not hurting anyone.

I'm terrible with first impressions... if the original post seems quite odd... well for one I was nervous as hell, trying to make sure I didn't say anything that could be taken the wrong way.

I really am a rather likeable person, or so I've been told. I do have my own little worries... which is understandable... because I live in an area that doesn't tolerate homosexual tendencies, and would undoubtably crucify me for some of my other tendencies and thoughts.

I've had a chance to read over some more posts... and am starting to relax a little more with the idea that I'm not going to be shipped out the doors because of how I think.

Well first and foremost welcome to the forum I am sorry that you have a need for such a place but am glad that you found us and have the courage to speak out about your issues.

Speaking as a fellow a fellow person who is troubled by paraphilias including pedophilia I too am troubled by my thoughts and desires that involve lust for small children and even though I am troubled by my thoughts and I know the harm I would do I just cant stop viewing them this way. I am glad you have found someone with whom you feel comfortable talking to especially that this person is an intimate partner. I have a somewhat similar partner in my life. My wife is my confidante and although she does not have similar attractions she is understanding and a huge supporter of mine.

It is a very positive thing that you know the damage that sexual molestation can do to children it is admirable that you would take steps top protect them from yourself even though you feel confident you wont harm them it really shows great integrity.

From the sound of your post it seems you are self-diagnosing I did that for years but I really can’t tell you how valuable it has been to talk to a professional about everything from my own abuse to my fantasies.

Thank you for welcoming me. I seem to have both a need to talk about this (figure it out), and also I need to know I'm not alone. I have my boyfriend to talk with... but he's dealt with this for years by trying to keep it hidden... repressed. I too have tried to ignore how I feel at time... and shut out where my thoughts try to wander. For both of us, it just leaves us feeling empty and shameful. So we share in these fantasies together... but I can't shake the feeling that even doing that is wrong.

The feelings I have towards children may not involve a physical desire for them immediately... but over time, it progresses towards that. I look at the children at a park and think to myself, how can I think in such a way about them?... and for a little while, I honestly can't see it. Then as I watch them play, I discern their personalities... imagine playing with them... the sweet innocence of it all... the mutual feelings of love... and that turns into inciting curiosities in the child and then it becomes a sexual fantasy. In my mind, the child is not hurt or harmed... merely a curiosity satiated... something innocent... but I realize this wouldn't be the case in real life. It's coersion and manipulation of the child for my own benefit. A child can't consent, and it's my obligation as an adult to protect a child.

I do worry that because both my boyfriend and I have the similar attractions... even similar fantasies in regards to that attraction... that temptation is increased. Is the desire to keep ourselves and each other from hurting others, and ourselves, always going to be enough to overcome that temptation? We dream up so many things together... and desire these things and for a brief moment, think Why not? Then the reminder comes into play with all the reasons and consequences... showing that is why we are even fantasizing. Fantasizing is harmless.

I feel that despite how firmly I may hold to my sense of right and wrong, that it's the fact I keep a distance from children that has helped the most. I have never had to deal with them on a day to day basis. I can't help but to wonder if I would be nearly as sure of myself if I were to be given opportunities to have them alone often enough to develop trust and so on and so forth. With preteens and young teens, the temptation would be even greater, as they do seek you out... and they are aware of some of their curiosities.

For now, I do not have the financial resources to talk to a professional. So I'm left to try to sort this out on my own.

Neuling wrote:Thank you for welcoming me. I seem to have both a need to talk about this (figure it out), and also I need to know I'm not alone.

As I always seem to say yes, unfortunately we are not alone there are many people like us. Most have the problem and either don’t see it as a problem or don’t care about the effects it has on the children. The rest of us know we have a problem and try very hard every day so that we don’t hurt or compromise the objects of our affections. Congratulations on being this side of the fence good for you and boyfriend.

Neuling wrote:
I do worry that because both my boyfriend and I have the similar attractions... even similar fantasies in regards to that attraction... that temptation is increased. Is the desire to keep ourselves and each other from hurting others, and ourselves, always going to be enough to overcome that temptation? We dream up so many things together... and desire these things and for a brief moment, think Why not? Then the reminder comes into play with all the reasons and consequences... showing that is why we are even fantasizing. Fantasizing is harmless.

As for playing out your fantasies with your partner I understand the drive to do that. My partner does not engage in that kind of role-playing with me. In her words she insists that it reinforces bad thoughts. I do act out my fantasies in my head while masturbating to them, although with in the past few years I have tried to cut back and limit myself, with minimal success.

Neuling wrote:
I feel that despite how firmly I may hold to my sense of right and wrong, that it's the fact I keep a distance from children that has helped the most. I have never had to deal with them on a day to day basis. I can't help but to wonder if I would be nearly as sure of myself if I were to be given opportunities to have them alone often enough to develop trust and so on and so forth. With preteens and young teens, the temptation would be even greater, as they do seek you out... and they are aware of some of their curiosities.

As for keeping your distance I find that is a very good way to limit the temptation as well as ensuring the safety of the children. I do try to remove myself from needless interaction with children so I stay away from playgrounds and schools and department stores as much as possible. However there is a slight problem with that and it is I have a child so unfortunately I am thrust into these scenarios more often. In addition to that I must say that I am attracted to my daughter and so that temptation is there a lot. I take a lot of steps to ensure her safety, including not allowing myself to have any fantasies about her even nonsexual ones.

wow a female paedophile.

I always forget how dark this forum can get.

pulszer wrote:wow a female paedophile.

I always forget how dark this forum can get.

I take it that either female pedophiles are rare... or they do not seek help as often?