I'm scared and ashamed. [Moderators and members]

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Nobody in this world is sick - jk2k8 - if they can come and talk about their problem as you have done right now. The fact that you are seeing a therapist is positive too. So - no - you certainly are not sick. Everyone has issues, ranging from the very serious to the very minor. I will say this though: Don't let this define you forever. I mean, don't let yourself be forever wracked with guilt over this issue.

Kevin

Hi,

When was the very last time you looked at child pornography? Have you taken off the filters on your computer to get that peak?

As well as, how often when you see a child that you get that excitement, is that still going on?

It is pedophilia yes, I'm glad however that your mother is helping you with this because it is a problem which you understand, not to mention illegal which you know as well.

Have you been able to stay away from those thoughts, pictures etc ?

Hello jk2k8,

I hope you can get the help you need. Look on the bright side. You were able to tell your mother about it and your seeking professional help. Also, you're still 19 and nipping this problem in the bud instead letting it fester.

jk2k8 wrote:But I'm afraid it might be a therapist that may not understand or tolerate my behavior.

It may be better if you get a therapist who is intolerant of your behavior and recognizes that it's wrong. You don't want somebody who's going to tell you "don't worry man, it's okay to have those fantasies just don't act out on them".

Yeah, you're probably right. I just hope whoever it is, they aren't extremely intolerant of it. But then again, they'd have no business being a therapist in the first place if they were that bad.

I just can't wait to start talking to therapists and find one that can help me. I've already got four names down that I'm calling tomorrow. Tonight the computers I have are going to be unplugged and during the week my Mom will have the cable modem to eliminate any use of the internet.

I hope to have a therapist by the end of next week or in a few weeks. I just really want to get rid of this compulsion or whatever it is that's causing it.

I'm not a bad guy, and I really want to be a good person.

I don't think I'm a pedophile. I'm not going to self-diagnose myself as that either until a professional confirms that that IS my problem. I'm not going to give up on myself.

You don't want somebody who's going to tell you "don't worry man, it's okay to have those fantasies just don't act out on them"

Nonsense. Any other advice is just false hope. Paraphillias cannot be cured - only managed.

But I doubt you will take my word for it. Only jk2k8 can find that out for himself.

Word of advice. Be careful when describing the pictures that you viewed to your therapist. In some countries those child model websites are illegal, even if there's no nudity, so I'd be careful if I were you.

Unfortunately, this seems to be happening more and more often. Men who would never psychically hurt a child but feel it's okay to get sexual gratification from child porn.

I'm not sure if you're a paedophile, but you have some paedophile tendencies, the same way a straight man who views gay porn may have gay tendencies.

Chances are you'll never hurt a child, but those pics you're looking at, remember many of those children will be scarred for the rest of their lives.

jk2k8 wrote:I'm not a bad guy, and I really want to be a good person.

You're not a bad guy... ...you have come here and have presented your problem and situation very well, and there is a genuine sense that you feel 'afflicted' by what is happening to you. So, there is no way that you come across as a bad guy. Like I already implied, we all have little addictions and problems, but they take many different forms. What's important is that you get a real plan for improvement into gear.