me hate

I want to be better today. I don’t want to ###$ them I just want to live aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Why am I so lost I need to be put in a mental institution and never let out. I just saw a picture of a local girl who was kidnapped and all I could think was yeah I could see why she was taken she was nice and sexy ######6 stupid sick … god I hate you. How dose that song go nobody knows what its like to be the bad man well what is it like to be the ######6 boogeyman. I sleep down the hall across the street I go to birthday parties and sing during the whole thing thinking I would kill your daughter and ###$ her innocent child body. I HATE MYSELF I HATE. It I’m ######6 broken I was broken then and there is no fix for. I thought about death by police, walk in to a daycare center with my 45 and indulge before the end... Make another like me. ###$ YOU SIIIIICK SICK I HATE YOU. Little children are to be loved imamonsterjustkillmeplease.

lostson, your post here really disturbs me, what happened to make you post like this? from your other post it sounded like you were dealing with this well, and that you no longer felt that way towards children, now it's the opposite - you want to harm those children, or think of doing it. What makes you believe that if an opprotunity arises where you could be that madman to harm an innocent child, that you wouldn't take it?

You've (i think it was you? and please correct me if i'm wrong as I may be mixing you up with another) touched a child before wrongly?

if that's not you, then disregard that part of the post.


Are you continuing you talk with your therapist, have you considered going to the hospital and letting yourself be committed because you feel this bad? Have you ever been in the past?

What does your wife thing of this change in moods/behavior etc? Or is she not fully aware of it?

What happened to make you post like this?

I was watching the news and I saw a cute little 4 year old dancing with her daddy in a home movie and she looked so happy but all I could think was how sexy she was. Then they said she had been kidnapped and I am so sick I didn’t feel for her or how scared she must be or anything I wanted to be her kidnaper and was thinking how lucky that guy was because he gets to be with her.

from your other post it sounded like you were dealing with this well, and that you no longer felt that way towards children, now it's the opposite

I’m sorry that misunderstood what I was saying in my other post. I was not saying I no longer had sexual feeling for little girls it was more like I had a fantasy and in it I was not interested in having sex with a child. I later said that appeared that the lack of interest was a one time event.

What makes you believe that if an opportunity arises where you could be that madman to harm an innocent child, that you wouldn't take it?


At this point I don’t really know. I feel so scattered I can’t even think strait right now. Maybe I won’t hurt anyone because really I am a good person.

You've touched a child before wrongly?

Yes this is correct I touched a little girl inappropriately when I was 10 I have not since although I do think about it frequently.

Are you continuing you talk with your therapist?

Yes I still have weekly contact with my therapist and I have let them know my feelings. I saw my offender therapist the one I am doing the EMDR with this morning and he feels that since we talked and did some EMDR he feels I am in a better space and doesn’t feel that I am an imminent threat.

Have you considered going to the hospital and letting yourself be committed because you feel this bad? Have you ever been in the past?

Yes it crossed my mind and yes I have been there before. It was a few years ago that I felt that I was a danger to the community. I knew that I was either going to kill myself or a child and I went as far as putting a gun in my mouth to try to stop myself in the end I was to selfish to pull the trigger.

What does your wife thing of this change in moods/behavior etc? Or is she not fully aware of it?

From what I can tell from our conversations is that my wife constantly sees me swing wildly from one point to the other. Some days I am full bore on my recovery and others I seem like a totally different person. She has said that she wouldn’t stay with me if she thought I was a danger to her daughter or any other child. She also said If I am not trying to change she will not stay with me. I would say she is very aware of how I am progressing.

Ahh this world's ###$ up.

You have a wife? you know what I'd do to have someone like that in my life right now?

I know it's small consolation and you can't help how you think, but you don't realise how lucky you are.

morning star wrote:
I know it's small consolation and you can't help how you think, but you don't realise how lucky you are.

Actually I think I do realize how lucky I am in so many ways but just because I have so many good things going for me doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle.