Suspect my friend has Paraphilia

I need some feedback and advice from people. I am sorry if my post sounds too general or accusatory to some. It is not my intent to judge, but only to try and figure out if what I perceive as subtle clues and hunches would make others think twice as well. I am also sorry that this is so long.

I have a friend that I met in Thailand. We were teachers there, and now work in another Asian country as teachers. I am female and he is male. I met him through a group of other teachers, and most likely would not have self-selected him as a friend or social contact on my own. I think the fact that we are both foreigners in another country is really the biggest reason for our continued acquaintance.

He is in his late thirties. In Thailand, about 2 years ago, he had a relationship with a Thai teenage girl for a year, who was about 17. This was a significant relationship for him, and he still talks about her. He said that she lied about her age. That is not too uncommon in Thailand. He also said that he had relationships with two other Japanese women, but all of his relationships were always very secret or hidden from his social networks, so I have never seen or met any of these romantic interests, nor has anyone else that I know.

All of his romantic contacts seem to be online or in other countries. They also seem to be exaggerated. He often describes these contacts as "girlfriends" to others (especially other men) when I know he has only had superficial contact, which may possibly have a financial motive on the female's part. Over time, I suspect that he exaggerates a lot of his social contacts. He also boasts of having girlfriends all over the world to other males, that he meets on the internet. I know this because others sometimes talk about it slightly amused, because it is so obviously a classic overcompensation of some sort. He is small stature, bald, very hairy and mild mannered, so he does not conform to an overly macho image at all which makes it all the more amusing I guess.

He is a very effeminate male, and almost everyone who meets him thinks that he is gay, and I mean everyone. But, he does not identify as such. He is from a very conservative family, that seems inordinately close. His parents divorced when he was an adolescent. His mother is very controlling and involved in his life, and when he was younger, he tells stories of how she forbid him and his sister to eat sweets and junk food, but then the mother would bring sweets into the house and consume them in front of them. He developed anorexia nervousa at one time and his sister is obese. She has tried to commit suicide a couple of times.

He is informed and educated, but very child-like in many ways, and seems to have a superiority complex at times. He tells stories about how he's his mother's baby, uses childish phrases at times, and talks to his family without fail every weekend. He tells a story about how he thought a prank on an internet website was a real monster and he ran into the bedroom of his last girlfriend and hid under the covers screaming, because he was really scared; this was just 2 or 3 years ago.

Also, before Thailand, he worked in Mexico, where he was accused of being a pedophile and had to leave the school and the country. However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because many effeminate men can become targets of corrupt and unscrupulous people who seek to frame or extort someone. But, I believe there may be signs of other paraphilias, which give me reason for pause.

My instincts tell me something is not right, and the above provides background. I will now tell you about what I think are subtle indicators. Some of the photos that I have seen him take, and some of his comments have a slightly voyeuristic quality about them that give others a sickly kind of feeling to be on the receiving end. For example, he shows a picture of a school scene, but somehow there is a prominent shot of a woman's body part that seems to be the real object of the photo. Or, he makes a frequent joke when others or couples stay in his spare room that he will be entertained by their sex sounds, which he thinks is funny, in the same way that he thinks his monster story is funny. It just comes off as inappropriate.

I have also stayed on his couch because I live in another city. I have gotten the feeling that he bursts into the living room unexpectedly after retiring when he thinks that I am disrobing for bed. I have usually already disrobed and am under the covers, and have ignored him, and he goes away. He has done this a few times. I have never given him any indication of an attraction at all. I also get the feeling that he listens to me while I am using his bathroom. There is also something about his gaze on my body sometimes that doesn't feel like the gaze of a "healthy" heterosexual male. He also seems to make a point of exhibiting his gaze at females on television, and sometimes to his adolescent female students, but something doesn't seem right about it.

He has told a story about running into male students at the public bath house and having them sidle up to him, and he wrestled an adult male friend nude at one bath house in the segregated male side where all males are nude. The male that he wrestled was showing signs of interest in me (although I had no interest), and we were all supposed to meet in the co-ed (dressed) section, but it was delayed by my friends antics. Another male friend there also felt that it was strange, exhibiting kind of behavior, but of what I don't know. He is also very passive-aggressive. I also feel that sometimes he is making very mildly sexually suggestive poses but they are so subtle you can't really call him on it. The problem is that they feel a bit like a non-consenting and inappropriate behavior, like putting a bananna in his lap rather than on a tabletop very suggestively and prominently but holding a conversation as if nothing is amiss.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I think it is a collection of incidents and behaviors that are significant yet very subtle. Much of it is hard to explain, because it's a feeling. Does anything here sound amiss to anyone else?

Thanks so much for your patience and reading this far.

friend wrote:Does anything here sound amiss to anyone else?

Nope, sounds perfectly normal to me!

Hey friend,

what you've described does sound like a lot of subtle and very strange innapropriate sexual behavior without anything being too obvious.

The question you have to ask yourself is this. What do want to do about all of this ? Unless you have solid proof that he is having sex with underage children the only other thing you can do, is limit your contact with him.

He sounds very emotionally immature, with some personality issues there. What do you want to do about all of this?

If you suspect something and tell him, your likely to get a negative response and make things worse for yourself.

If you feel uncomfortable being around him, then don't stay over at his place anymore,. If you have to be involved with him, then can you make sure that other people are around when you are. Outside of the working environment can you make sure that you are not alone with him.

If you suspect that all of those girlfriends are underage children, is there someone you can speak to about your concerns. Apart from the police is there some other person whom can report your suspicions too?

I have also stayed on his couch because I live in another city. I have gotten the feeling that he bursts into the living room unexpectedly after retiring when he thinks that I am disrobing for bed. I have usually already disrobed and am under the covers, and have ignored him, and he goes away. He has done this a few times. I have never given him any indication of an attraction at all. I also get the feeling that he listens to me while I am using his bathroom. There is also something about his gaze on my body sometimes that doesn't feel like the gaze of a "healthy" heterosexual male.

Having read this part, I think you should stay well away from this man. He may well be a paedophile, but your own safety could be in danger, he seems a bit of a weirdo, no need for you to be around someone like that as nothing good can come out of this.

Forensic2 wrote:Hey friend,

what you've described does sound like a lot of subtle and very strange innapropriate sexual behavior without anything being too obvious.

The question you have to ask yourself is this. What do want to do about all of this ? Unless you have solid proof that he is having sex with underage children the only other thing you can do, is limit your contact with him.

He sounds very emotionally immature, with some personality issues there. What do you want to do about all of this?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post, and reply.
Forensic2, you ask very good questions. I don't feel endangered physically by him at all, and I don't want to paint him as an evil person. He is a very considerate person with good qualities, and I don't know or have any proof that he is a pedophile or offender or anything else, except for a persistent feeling that something is amiss; I am not the only one.

But of course, I could endanger myself emotionally by feeling violated if something weird does happen, like his peeping me or something. I have a very strong personality and don't present like a victim at all, which may be why his signs are so subtle. I am no longer going to crash at his house, even if I have nowhere else to stay when I escape from my tiny town for a weekend or whatever (he lives in a bigger city).

If he is a repressed or closeted gay guy, then I hope he can feel comfortable coming out and finding support. If he is exhibiting paraphilias like voyeurism or exhibitionism due to his childhood trauma, I'd like to subtly or indirectly encourage him to get help, if possible.

You see, I think he is smart about whatever his issue is, and may not bee acting on it, but it has obviously affected his persona to the degree that others notice that somthing doesn't seem right. But of course, no one wants to discriminate or accuse on the basis of "gut feelings" or hunches.

I already had an indirect chat with him on Saturday, alluding to the fact that therapy can be good for everyone. I am slowly going to try and distance myself. I think many people with sexual disorders or paraphilia can hide them very well, and the people close to them may just be left with a "feeling" that something doesn't feel right.

I think that if he mentions to you about such a thing you should take it seriously and it should be reported to the authorities.

two things(among 30 others)

1. While in Mexico he was accused of being pedophile.....why would children lie, after all you have observed....I don't think anyone was lying against him.

2. Go with your gut feeling, always.

3. ok one more, you might want to rethink sleeping in the same abode as he, I bet there is a camera, or two or three.

Be careful please,
red

SmallTalkRed wrote:two things(among 30 others)

1. While in Mexico he was accused of being pedophile.....why would children lie, after all you have observed....I don't think anyone was lying against him.

2. Go with your gut feeling, always.

3. ok one more, you might want to rethink sleeping in the same abode as he, I bet there is a camera, or two or three.

Be careful please,
red

Well put Red!!

Butterfly Faerie wrote:

SmallTalkRed wrote:two things(among 30 others)

1. While in Mexico he was accused of being pedophile.....why would children lie, after all you have observed....I don't think anyone was lying against him.

2. Go with your gut feeling, always.

3. ok one more, you might want to rethink sleeping in the same abode as he, I bet there is a camera, or two or three.

Be careful please,
red

Well put Red!!

First of all, thanks Red, Butterfly and everyone for your thoughtful comments.

Of course, if there was any confirmed incident or scenario that revealed beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was hurting children, I would tell authorities and validate the child. However, I believe that jumping all over someone with the law and branding them a pedophile or sex offender based on a hunch is also wrong.

I agree that children don't lie about abuse, but parents with an agenda can lie if they want to frame or extort someone, especially in a governance system that is based on accusations rather than the rule of law. This doesn't cancel out the possibility or fact that abuse happens there as well, but there are more angles to consider.

According to his version of events, there was a class of probably 10-13 year old kids that were promised a Halloween party, but they misbehaved, so that privilege was taken away. One of the most difficult boys in that class who also has rich and well-connected parents objected. The person and teacher in question stood firm, and the kid and parents made a huge issue of it, and zoomed in on the fact that he is effeminate and therefore must be a pedophile. They tried to create all kinds of problems for him in the country, but the school and other teachers were always behind him. Apparently, status and money often rule in Mexico and these people thought they could bully anyone. He left for fear of his own safety, because the parents started a crusade against him.

Now, that is his version of events, and entirely plausible, especially for an effeminate male in a Latin American country. It could be that he is a closeted gay male, which is also not healthy but deserving of support. However, it is this prior story, IN ADDITION to everything else that I observed that has me trying to analyze him more closely. However, I do not believe in publicly branding someone in such a way until I am sure, and I don't even think it's legal anyway.

If I had the time and resources, I think the thing to do would be to find the school and call them, under the guise of an employer, to find out their take on the situation. If I new how to inspect someone's computer harddrive, I think there would be information on that as well, but I don't. I think the real information would be to see what kind of porn he uses.

Oh yeah, he once openly went into a porn website in an adjacent room while I slept on his couch in the living room. Creepy for sure, but that doesn't necessarily make him a pedophile or sex offender.

But, here's what I've got so far:

the general creepiness that I detailed above, and suspected but very, very subtle possible indicators for a paraphilia of some sort.

terrible childhood background hinting at control issues and abuse of some kind. messed up sister. children of divorce. still talks to both parents, but almost too much.

sometimes uses child-like phrases or stories that most people think is off.

the Mexico story.

most of the women and "girlfriends" that he seems to have come from the internet, or live in other countries such as Asia and Latin America.

I noticed that many of his friends have children, but that could also be because of our age now. Many of my friends also have children, but I'm a single female by choice over 35, and I'm definitely not a pedophile. You see what I mean?

I know that he had some adolescent boy who is the son of one of his Asian friends come and help him clean a fish take a couple of months ago, and he is thinking of relocating to Japan again, because his Japanese "niece" made him feel sentimental.

That seems weird to me, and part of the reasons why I'm on here seeking feedback.

Hi Butterfly-Thanks!

friend: You don't have to defend him, everyone is just trying
to look at the facts. One important fact, he is always the victim, he
does not take responsibility for anything like a 17 yr old lying about her age.

peace to you,
Red