Help me - I AM a Pedophile

Well this is one hell of a way to introduce myself, aswell as a first post. Here goes then.

Before you read on I want you to understand this is not something I enjoy having. It is destroying me. I have never committed an act of sexual harassment or molestation of any form. It began when I was 14. I had just started masturbating and at this stage it was all out of curiosity. At school I noticed I was attracted to a boy in class. One night I experimented masturbating with him in mind. I enjoyed it and this continued. After another year I was no longer attracted to this boy; he was growing. I soon found other boys in the years below for me to fantasize over. Another year later and I was masturbating over little boys every night. After realising the addiction was only craving more and more I decided to limit my masturbation to only once a week before it becomes too out of hand. I have stuck to that up until today, although the urges are starting to get to me. I would literally cut off my fingers if what I want most were to become completely legal and consensual.

Even though I only feed my urges once a week I still fantasize every spare moment of the day. I know where this road leads and I do not want to go down it. ATM I am 17, straight towards girls of my age, although on the pedophilia side only to little boys who look between the ages of 10-14, with some exceptions of around 7-8. The worst thing i've done thus far is stolen a boys P.E. clothes.

What I am trying to ask is what should I do to control my urges? My self discipline/defense mechanism of only once per-week is not going to hold out much longer and while I doubt I would ever rape a child, at this rate a few years down the track could be a different story.

Hi, Soci0path and welcome to our forum. I don't think you should have to deal with this on your own. Is there any one that you could talk to about this? Even if you can't tell them exactly what it is, you could ask for some help in finding a good psych.
Actually, you could go to your own doctor and tell them that you've been having some scary thoughts and you need advice on how to find a psych that can help with that.

Welcome to the forum Soci0path. There are a few good therapeutic methods that you can try if you find the right professionals. Nothing you've said here would get you in any trouble if you confided in a counselor of some kind who could refer you to the right people, but, if you're still a minor, your counselor will likely have to consult with your parents about your attraction. I know all of this from unfortunate experience.

For starters, I, and several people I know in real life, use ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)
Many others, including fellow paraphiles on this forum, use CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

From what I've read, they're both pretty good. I'll stick with ACT though. It's sort of got a zen twist that I like.

I think you'll benefit from exploring your attraction and the feelings behind it in a safe environment like a private journal. Whenever you feel comfortable enough, you'd probably benefit from talking through the things you have confusion about here on this forum or with an ACT or CBT group. I prefer to use a group and post here, personally. This way I usually have more to talk about with my psychologist and my group members.

There are ways to learn to live happily in spite of your attractions, but you may always have an affinity for boys despite whichever therapy you try.

Gosh, 17 really is quite young to be weighed down with all this. Awwh *hugs*.

I had sex with a much older man when I was 14 but never considerd him a peado. If I could have, I probably would of had sex at even younger I think.

Hmm it must be confusing to switch between having heterosexual fantisys to have homosexual peado ones.

Hey Soci0path, I understand what you are going through. But don't be so hard on yourself. You're 17 and in the prime of your hormonal sexual drive. If your sexual fantasies and development worries you then take it back a notch and masturbate to images in your mind.....and try not to masturbate to actual little boys and stay away from that sort of porn. But perhaps watching porn depicting girls of your age group (girls in their late teens/early adulthood) more and masturbating less and less to little boys will help too. You can ween yourself off the attraction little at a time.

But don't worry too much man......you would never harm a kid right? If so then awesome......that doesn't mean your a paedophile. You have sexual fantasies, there's not much more to it......and as long as you don't act on your urges that you know are wrong then there is no problem. You know your values are ok and your post easily shows how you do not ever want to go against them.

If you see you are really attracted to "children/kids" then try looking for childish-looking women.....you know those petite, small breasted type. It's just a sexual preference and I'm sure if you look hard enough you will find porn of adult women with more kiddish features to satisfy that preference.....and despite most internet porn having big breasted babes.....those small breasted ladies are definitely out there for you to find.

And still dude....when it comes down to it there are many more reasons than paedophilic desires......and for christ's sake your only 17.....you're still somewhat a kid yourself.

And btw I'm only about a few years older than you and I've asked myself similar questions on what I used to think are very unusual fantasies.......well not paedophilic fantasies......but other sorts of fantasies like sadistic rough sex sort of stuff and I know how it can screw with your mind. A lot of the fantasies I wasn't comfortable with (the sadistic sex stuff) I had went away with time and since your pretty young this fantasy with young boys might go away as well. Remember bro that your only 17. And always remember fantasies are at a totally different level than reality and as long as you can distinguish between the two you'll be fine.

If you really think you may act on your attraction I would definitely recommend discussing it with a psych....but I really wouldn't worry too much.....you seem to know the difference between fantasy and reality.

Be well!

pulszer wrote:Gosh, 17 really is quite young to be weighed down with all this. Awwh *hugs*.

I had sex with a much older man when I was 14 but never considerd him a peado. If I could have, I probably would of had sex at even younger I think.

Hmm it must be confusing to switch between having heterosexual fantisys to have homosexual peado ones.

Well he you may not have thought that he was, if it was consensual, but it definitely was illegal.

Anything sexual content either online, or in person is illegal unless you are 18 usually, though it depends what country you are in.

Hi, well, I have been googling for some good support group on this subject and have been unable to find one.
I am personally sexually attracted to young girls, but I dont act upon the urges. I wish I wasent. especially because of the social stigma. one cant even talk about the subject.
anyhow, I decided to make an IRC chatroom on dalnet called #pedophile_support_group so we can have real time interactive chats... at least being able to talk about the subject should releave the stress.
and BTW, I dont think going to a church is a good idea. a church is probably a place where you will find much social stigma.

I can relate to your experience of being attracted to boys at school, and then as you all get older you realise "oh God, those cute boys aren't attractive anymore". Nobody should have to deal with that terror. I know people are saying "you're only 17", but personally, I wish I had started really seriously tackling my pedophilia by the time I was 16. We live in a horribly unfair society, and something like this can lead to terrible consequences. I'm in my early twenties, and I'm still stuck in the same intractable situation I was in when I was 15.

My two cents: don't worry about the masturbation. It doesn't hurt anyone, and you're gonna have to do it one way or the other. In terms of self-control mechanisms, the best is to avoid situations you don't think you can handle. If you feel like you can't control yourself, then leave. I think you'll find self-control to be the least of your worries, really.

And don't think of it in terms of addiction, pedophilia doesn't resemble an addiction at all. It's really closer to a sexual orientation, though obviously quite different from homo-/heterosexuality. I'm saying this kind of generally because I see people talk about it as an addiction a lot and I don't think it's helpful to think that way.

Good luck, I know how hard it is. I wish I had something better to tell you.

[quote=pulszer]Gosh, 17 really is quite young to be weighed down with all this. Awwh *hugs*. [/quote]

It's really more common than you'd think. I realized it when I was 12 - it's like getting hit in the head with a sledgehammer. Onlysleep hits it on the head - "Nobody should have to deal with that terror."

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